4 Signs You Are Probably Dating a Narcissist
And it will not get better.
Babe, if you suspect you are dating a narcissist, it will do you good to read these 4 narcissistic behaviors I wish I’d known sooner.
I once was in a relationship with a narcissist. But I didn’t know until I got severely damaged by his behavior. Soon after being discarded, I heard for the first time about narcissism.
Since then, I’ve become obsessed with understanding narcissistic abuse and finding ways to help men and women protect themselves. I became a certified Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach in 2019. So today, I am sharing valuable information about what narcissism is and how you can protect yourself from the abuse that comes with it.
#1: Projection
Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism used by narcissists. They project their own uncomfortable or unacceptable behaviors/thoughts onto you and accuse you of things they are guilty of. When you are on the receptive end of those unjustified accusations, know that it is actually a confession of their inner world. They are giving you the most honest information about who they are and what they're about.
In their delusional minds, narcissists are convinced that these accusations are true. They believe they know your thoughts better than you do. BUT THEY DON’T. Nobody knows yourself better than you do. Remember that they are just vomiting onto you what is actually in their mind because their subconscious knows it is TOXIC. So don’t take in their toxicity. They will feel better, but you will feel worst.
If you try to defend yourself, you have implicitly accepted an unbalance of power. If you are willing to see their perspective, you are already in danger. Narcissists can energetically penetrate your mind to create doubts and better control you.
Instead, use one of these SOLUTIONS to protect yourself:
- Pause. Take a deep breath. Observe.
- Stay grounded. Refer to your narcissist dictionary to recognize the behavior.
- Once you have identified the behavior, repeat mentally, “I am the truth. I am the truth”.
- Imagine a bubble around them when they talk. As they make those accusations, visualize their words rebounding off the walls of the bubble. Those words go back to them. They don’t reach you. You are safe.
- If you have to say something, just reply “I am not going to put up with your accusations. I am going to leave you now”. Take your space.
- Finally, if you still end up hurting you with those accusations, turn that into an opportunity for self-growth. Ask yourself the question, “what do these accusations trigger inside of me?” For example, if you are accused of lying, maybe you need to be trusted and it reminds you of your parents who didn’t trust you.
#2: Shame
Narcissism is the primary defense mechanism against shame. Narcissists have shame-based personalities. Brene Brown defines shame as:
“an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”.
Shame develops in the early stages of childhood. It can start with a shame-based parent who is shut down emotionally and who cannot mirror, nor tolerate, the egocentric child’s emotions as they trigger their own repressed emotions. Rather than being the child’s narcissistic supply, the roles reverse, and the parent looks to be dependent on the child to be their narcissistic supply. Thus, the child is deprived of someone being there for its needs and resultantly experiences isolation and alienation.
By experiencing the trauma of abandonment, the child internalizes that something must be wrong with it and that it is unworthy of love. Unhealthy toxic shame develops and the growing child abandons its authentic self in favor of a false self where pathological narcissism makes its home.
To cover this unbearable sense of shame, narcissists:
- Seek to obtain admiration, validation, or fulfillment from the outside.
- Use classical narcissistic behaviors to neutralize shame experiences (devaluation, silent treatment, passive aggression, etc.)
- Develop addictions — to attention, to drugs or alcohol, to work, to sex, etc — as a way of self-medication against shame
- Organize their entire personality structure around DEFENDING against shameful experiences.
- Withdraw from contact, as from the touch of a hot stove, when their hidden “true self” is exposed.
- Dissociate by disconnecting and detaching themselves from physical or emotional experiences.
This is a state of being, unconsciously adapted to cope with shame. Recognizing that narcissists suffer from unbearable shame may help us to feel some compassion. But it doesn’t make the relationships any more satisfying. No matter the amount of love, compassion, or self-reassurance you provide to narcissists, there is NOTHING that you can do to eradicate their shame. Only they can change themselves.
#3: Blame
Narcissists use blame-shifting to dodge the “shame” bullet and the unbearable emotional pain it causes them. For the fragile self-esteem of the narcissist, being accountable is difficult. When confronted, they place the blame on you to avoid any responsibility.
These are 5 blame-shifting techniques that narcissists always use:
Play the victim
They claim that you hurt them. And you end up being the one apologizing. They use “I’VE BEEN…” or “SHE/HE MADE ME DO…” sentences.
“I’ve been manipulated.” “She made me do that.” “You made me feel…”
Ridicule your feelings
They dismiss you when you express how you feel about their misbehavior. They use “YOU ARE…” sentences.
“You’re too sensitive.” “You’re crazy.” “You’re controlling.” “You’re demanding.” “You’re selfish.” “You’re playing victim.” “You’re over-reacting.”
Other variations: “You don’t have any sense of humor.” “Calm down!”
Argue about the argument
They pull you into pointless fights about the way you approached them with your concerns. Instead of discussing your legitimate concerns, they argue about your tone of voice, your words, and accuse you of lacking love and kindness or playing the victim.
Use pity stories and guilt
If you point out something hurtful they’ve done, they will start talking about their abusive childhood or an evil ex. You end up comforting them, even though they hurt your feelings.
Throw terrible accusations
When you call them out for something they know they did wrong, they throw terrible accusations at you, far beyond imagination. Then, they are waiting for you to defend yourself and use your reactions to prove their points.
“You abused me.” “You hit me.” ”You’re mentally ill.”
Narcissists are good at getting away with blame-shifting because their targets often spend time reflecting on how their behaviors affect the people in their lives. If you recognize any of those techniques, you know who you are talking to.
#4: Victim Card
Narcissists are more likely to obtain attention and feed their need for validation if they can gain the “victim card”. To reach this goal, they will do anything to provoke an aggressive response and push their target to a breaking point. They will manipulate the target to act like an abuser and reverse roles. Soon, they will brag to the world how the target reacted and receive narcissistic supply from others; their need for attention and validation is successfully met.
Narcissists use a “reward system” to reach their goal:
- they positively reward with calm and peace when the target reacts.
- they negatively reward with an argument, fight, dramas, and emotional neglect when the target remains calm.
Sadly, it is common that victims of narcissistic abuse find themselves reacting with physical violence. When that happens, the narcissist can now look at the target and say, “You have a problem. You need to get some help”. Confused, the target is now being conditioned to believe that he/she is the abuser and the narcissist the victim.
What to do if you have reacted to the emotional distress and neglect?
- Be compassionate to yourself and know that you have been pushed to your limits. When facing emotional distress, it is really difficult not to react.
- If you are confused because it seems “you’ve acted like a narcissist”, the simple fact that you’re wondering is a proof that you are not a narcissist. Your identity has been stolen and your mind controlled to believe that you have a problem.
- Recognize that you have been dealing with a personality swap of an emotional predator and that you can get back in touch with yourself and your core values.
Even if you don’t react, leave the space or just repress; sadly the battle is not over. Be prepared to face silent-treatment or passive-aggression. However, now educated to narcissistic abuse, you can keep your head above the water of confusion.
The only true salvation is to quit the relationship before long-lasting trauma and C-PTSD get rooted in your subconscious. But it is not necessarily easy, especially if you are married, have kids or a company together, or if the narcissist is a family member…
