3 Things I’ve Accepted 6 Months After Breaking up With My Best Friend

A confirmation, two surprises, and a question mark

I wanted to create space.

To free up the time and energy I was giving to a friendship that had started to feel exhausting.

I didn’t want to get rid of my friend, not exactly.

There was something about our friendship that no longer felt right. If I wanted things to change, then I first had to change something.

That’s why I decided 6 months ago to take a distance from my closest friend. Here is where it’s taken me, 6 months later.

This Is Part Of Growing

I thought we were in it for the long run, that we would grow old together.

It’s hard to picture the end of a friendship that brought you so much.

Like other unhealthy relationships, it takes a long time to see how challenging or draining it has become. I don’t even know how long it took me to realize that this friendship was bringing me down more than it was pulling me up.

I had to acknowledge that this connection wasn’t taking me in a direction where I wanted to go, that we’d developed different interests and priorities.

It’s hard to face the truth and let go of a relationship that lasted for years, break a bond you thought was indestructible.

Nothing is permanent, even our closest relationships.

If you’re also questioning the strength or health of one of your friendships, here are questions you can ask yourself:

• Do we share similar values?
• Would I make different decisions if I wasn’t consulting them?
• Do they take me closer to the person I want to be?

This may sound selfish.

It isn’t.

Of course you don’t want to be friends only with people who share all your interests and agree with everything you do and say. But a minimum is required.

The break I took from my friend has helped me see these things more clearly. And there was a couple of things I was surprised to notice.

Two Important Things I Was Surprised to Find Out

We’ve shared so much.

There were times we only had each other.

How could I even remotely consider putting an end to it?

I was caught inside this friendship, this dynamic, without paying attention to the obvious.

This wasn’t a safe space for me.

I didn’t feel I could share some important things about my past — and my present. I thought there were stories she couldn’t hear, she wouldn’t understand.

It took me this break to notice this lack of safety — and acknowledge I wasn’t myself with her.

Life’s too short for wearing a mask even with your friends.

When in doubt — or even as a regular check-up — here are prompts to reflect on your friendships too:

• Who am I with this person by my side? Would I behave the same way without them?
• Are there things I keep away or hide from them?
• Do I fear being judged?

You’ll need to clarify what you want from this connection. We don’t all see friendship in the same way, and it varies from one of our friends to the other.

I want to be authentic and open — and safe — with my close friends. Otherwise I’d rather not be friends at all.

I was surprised not to feel this. I thought stopping to interact with her would make me feel lonely.

This hasn’t happened, and I haven’t felt the need to compensate — by getting closer to another friend for example.

We think we need certain people in our life. That our life would be empty without them.

The people we spend time with are like the habits we sustain: we just get used to them (whether it starts from a conscious decision or not).

You think you’ll miss a friend because you’ve talked to them everyday for several years; but it doesn’t mean this friendship makes you thrive.

Friendships can come and go.

Some start as a genuine loving connection, others grow because of a specific context, or out of convenience. And it’s not always easy to identify which is which, and to know if they make us happy.

This Is Still Hard to Identify

What did I expect from this break? I can’t even clearly remember (luckily I wrote an article about it).

I felt overwhelmed, I needed space.

I thought this would be just a break. I’m not sure anymore.

Last week my friend asked to meet up and talk. I thought this was a good idea. I thought that, even if it was going painful, it would be good to be honest to each other, face-to-face.

Except now I’m scared.

I’m worried about the outcome this conversation could have:

• A complete break-up — am I ready to face it?
• Deciding to talk and meet regularly again — I know this wouldn’t be good for me
• A transition to taking more space into each other’s life, without getting back to the way it used to be — I’m pretty sure I can’t do this

Taking a break was a hard decision to make. Deciding to see each other again — or not — may be an even harder one.

As I’m trying to make this other important decision, here are questions that help:

• Do I see her in my future: if I was to get married, would she be on the picture? Would I wand to go on holidays with her?
• Do I feel like sharing my wins with her?
• Do I refer to her in conversation with other friends or family?
• What do I feel when I think about her or talk about her?

If you’re in a similar situation, these questions may help you too. Wherever you are on this path, I hope you find tools that help you see if the connections you sustain are lifting you up and making your life fuller.

Moving Forward

It’s an entire process, more complex than only taking a break.

I can’t deny it’s helped me getting closer to who I want to be now. It’s removed a dose of doubt and overthinking. It’s given me clarity, direction.

6 months later I don’t know yet where this friendship is eventually headed. But I’m grateful for what I’ve realized and accepted along the way:

• Growing apart is a healthy thing, it’s part of life
• A healthy friendship means a safe space
• It doesn’t have to be black or white, we’re only humans

I’ve seen I can be happy without her.

But I’m wondering if, with what I’ve learned, I could be as happy with her back in my life.

Only time will tell.