3 Signs You Are Spiritually Abused
And you may not be conscious of it
Spiritual abuse is any attempt to control or manipulate people to get them to conform to certain mindsets and behaviors using religion or spiritual beliefs as the basis.
Believed or not, spiritual abuse among Christian churches is prevalent. It is not limited to conspicuously cultic churches. It can happen in any church or any Christian organization. It could be happening to you now.
The list of signs I share in this article is not exhaustive. The purpose is to give you some ideas of what spiritual abuse may look like, so you can detect it on your own in your context.
An essential tool to detect whether you have been spiritually abused is your heart (though sometimes it may fail too, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves). Only your heart knows whether you have been hurt or not, so you need to pay attention to what’s happening to your mind, emotion, and body.
Remember, according to your own belief, you are the temple of God and you are precious in God’s eyes, so it is actually part of your responsibility to take care of yourself. Knowing how to detect spiritual harm and when to avoid it is a manifestation of spiritual wisdom.
I had been a Christian for over twenty years. I participated in over ten churches in various parts of the world, in some cases as a leader. I was trained in counseling (though not licensed) and have a Master’s degree in applied psychology. I also have a Master’s degree in Divinity. So I know what I am talking about.
Let’s get started with the most common sign of spiritual abuse.
1. You are denied your individual identity
To get you to conform, religious leaders need to prep you first. This is usually done by convincing you to disarm yourself and put yourself at the mercy of the church authority. The key is to make you believe that you should not think for yourself, you are unimportant, and that your opinions don’t matter.
Church leaders can come up with all kinds of religious reasons for you to let go of your self-worth. They may quote scripture passages such as Romans 6:18:
You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
You are just a slave! Slaves don’t think for themselves but sacrifice their lives for their master.
Or Colossians 3:2:
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
In other words, you should only think about the Gospel, about the Kingdom of God, not your own personal career goals, interests, hobbies, or savings.
When churches claim that gays are sinners, they use similar rhetoric.
‘Your identity is defined by God, not how you perceive who you are. Yes, you suffer from same-sex attraction, but that is not who you are, but your sinful nature. So put it to death (Colossians 3:5).’
Deny yourself; don’t pay attention to what your heart wants; follow God.
Sounds familiar?
You are asked to deny your identity when you are asked to disregard your own feelings and not form your own opinions, and just follow the advice or instructions from your spiritual leader. You are not valued as a person and your distinctive personality is not appreciated.
Yes, it is considered a form of spiritual abuse because you are not given the freedom to explore spirituality on your own terms. Your individuality is not respected. And that can hurt. It should hurt.
If you think this is normative, this is how Christian faith is supposed to be, you could have already internalized that dangerous rhetoric. It means you are used to following orders and relinquishing your ability to make your own judgment and decisions. It’s not a good sign because it sets you up to be manipulated.
When certain religious practices make you prone to be manipulated, that is spiritual abuse because the leaders of such practices do not have your welfare in mind.
2. You are told to listen to your religious leaders because they know more about God.
Yes, you can read the Bible too, but you can misinterpret it. You need to trust your pastor’s exposition and interpretation. He is appointed by God to be your shepherd. You are just a sheep. You need guidance.
With few exceptions, churches that perpetrate spiritual abuse are those that exaggerate the difference between clergy and congregation. Pastors are like Moses, going up the mountain to meet God and coming back to teach the congregation God’s ways.
The idea that pastors or priests have special channels to get closer to God is, of course, bullshit. But this concept is still very much alive in many churches today. Why?
Again, to get the congregation to conform and obey. And it works!
If you are convinced that God reveals His will to your pastor, and your pastor in turn teaches you the spiritual truth he learns from God, you will think twice before disagreeing with him. To disagree with your pastor would feel like disagreeing with God. That’s a scary thought!
Clergies may not have started out their career with intentions to spiritually abuse people, but once they taste the fruit of being the authority in spiritual matters, some of them succumb to the temptation of manipulating the congregation for their personal gains.
To clarify, it is not just the clergies who spiritually abuse, it’s those with power. Depending on the structure of the church, the elders may be the ones in power, and the pastors they hire get spiritually abused.
Elder: Pastor, you are still young, so let me show you how things work around here. I am sure God has a lot of lessons for you to learn here, to mold you into a humble servant. First, we expect your wife to be involved in ministry, without pay, of course. Second, we expect you to answer calls from us seven days a week …
It’s politics. Weak-minded pastors get burned out and disillusioned, while pastors with strong personalities or charisma can turn the table around and become the voice of God.
3. You are pressured to do things you are uncomfortable with
I am not talking about being encouraged to read the Bible every day or attend prayer meetings you have no interest in.
I am talking about accusing you of stealing from God if you don’t tithe, pressuring you to break up with your non-believing partner, shaming you for not adhering to the unspoken dress code, prying into your private or intimate affairs, and pushing you to forgive the deacon who “accidentally” touched you last week (and the week before that).
It’s the stuff that people don’t ask you to do in regular social interactions, but spiritual abusers feel entitled to ask you to conform to. They give you all sorts of religious reasons, and the most common reasons have to do with fear.
Don’t you fear God?
If you fear God, you will not even think about temporarily stop tithing to save for your wedding costs.
The Devil is using you to tempt godly men in the church. God sees it.
If your pastor or religious leader often invokes fear of God, you should watch out. Why would your pastor want you to be in fear? To get you to stop thinking. People stop thinking when they are in a state of fear.
If you are afraid of offending God or sinning against Him, it’s probably not because God is really easily offended, but because you are told He is.
Conclusion
Spiritual abuse comes in many forms. The best strategy to protect yourself is to be confident in who you are. Don’t let your abusers get inside your head, telling you what you can or can’t do. Your spiritual journey is your own business. You are pursuing God as an individual, with your own mind and heart, not as a bot.
There will always be people out there trying to manipulate you and take advantage of you. Stay alert and believe in yourself.
Further reading
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