Erotic Humor
3 Sexy Stories to Get You in The Mood for Rumpy-Pumpy: Christmas Edition
‘Tis the season for erotica…and mince pies!
A merry Medium Christmas to all my bots…I mean followers ❤
As it is the birthday of Jesus and that woman who got pregnant under suspicious circumstances — I have decided we could all do with a bit of festive erotica as Santa empties his sack all over us.
Have you been good this year? Or have you been naughty?
Or have you been average and mediocre? Just like last year?
Either way — your prize, you lucky reader, are three sexy Christmas stories to fill your stockings.
Get buckled up in that sleigh and prepare to be given a very special present from your Medium Santa.
Mrs. Claus and the Spanish Elf
Mrs. Claus kisses Santa goodbye as he steps onto his sleigh.
Mrs. Claus: Oh do be careful my love, it’s awfully chilly tonight.
Santa: I will, my darling.
Santa rides off into the night.
Mrs. Claus gets out her iPhone and FaceTimes her elf lover.
Rodrigo the elf: Hola, Mrs. Claus.
Mrs. Claus: Ooo Rodrigo, I love it when you speak French to me. Come over quick! Santa’s on the late shift tonight!
Rodrigo: Muy bien! I will be over soon with my Sombrero and I shall cover you in olives.
Mrs. Claus: Well that does sound nice!
Rodrigo rocks up and rings the doorbell.
Mrs. Claus opens the door wearing nothing but an apron saying “Well-Hung”
Rodrigo: Hola, Mrs. Claus
Mrs. Claus: Bonjourno Rodrigo, come on in you big Polish hunk of lovin’.
Mrs. Claus and Rodrigo start to make passionate love under the tree.
Suddenly as Rodrigo is about to get out a frying pan and a rubber duck…Mrs. Claus’s left boob falls off.
Rodrigo: Senorita Claus! Your boobie!
To Rodrigo’s horror, Mrs. Claus reveals herself to be in fact…Santa Claus!
Santa: It is me, Santa Claus! This has all been one big rouse so I could get some Spanish loving! My wife and I switched places and she’s doing the presents this year. Equality and all that.
Rodrigo: I wondered why your lady parts were so long!
Santa: Very bueno, Rodrigo!
Mrs. Claus gets back early because she forgot her parking disc and sees the two of them together having a siesta.
Mrs. Claus: Prepare to die you horrible yet sexy men!
Mrs. Claus gets out a rocket launcher in the shape of a Christmas tree and blows them all up.
The End.
The Sexy Snowman
Steve was a sexy snowman who really wanted to find his one true love.
Steve was so sexy that more often than not, reindeer would pass by and suck on his carrot nose.
Steve had a huge crush on Doris “the Dinner Lady” Reindeer. He longed for her to notice him and his bulging twig biceps.
Steve: Oh gosh why can’t I seduce Doris? I love her so much and we’d be perfect together.
Steve sees Doris.
Steve: Hey Doris, lovely weather we’re having.
Doris: It’s snowing. Just like it has been since like…forever!
Steve: HA GOOD ONE! Yeah nice one Doris, erm so, would you like to suck on my nose?
Doris: Steve, I would. But you’ve been out with like every reindeer here in Reindeer Land Ltd. I’m not that kind of deer.
Steve: But Doris…who am I without a deer?
Doris: No Idea
Steve: This is no time for jokes, Doris.
Doris: Look — if you can prove to me you’re a loyal snowman I will make love to you right here, right now.
Steve: I will prove it! I will prove it, Doris, trust me!! What do you want me to do?
Doris: I want you to list three celebrities who look like aliens.
Steve: Erm okay, Kevin Bacon, Julia Roberts, and Patrick Stewart.
Doris: Well done Steve! That’s exactly right!
Steve: How does that prove I’m loyal though?
Doris: Will you just be quiet whilst I suck your nose?!
Steve: Oh boy!
Doris starts to suck on the carrot — but Steve gets so into it he gets too hot and melts.
Turns out Doris is actually a serial killer who has carrot sex with sexy snowmen and makes them melt.
The End.
The Ghost of Christmas Rumpy-Pumpy
Jim was a Christmas ghost who hadn’t had any rumpy-pumpy in like…ages.
He’d tried online dating, meeting other ghosts at Halloween, and even dogging. None of them had worked.
Jim was floating about one day when he saw an attractive lady of the female persuasion walking on the other side of the street.
He made his way over, ready for some ghost loving.
Jim: Ooooooooo
Random lady: Are you okay?
Jim: Sorry, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Jim, the ghost of rumpy-pumpy past. I died from too much rumpy-pumpy in the 1920s with questionable women.
Random lady: Ah, I’m sorry honey. These things happen.
Jim: And what is your name m’fair lady?
Random lady: Gertrude
Jim: That is a horrible name for someone so saucy.
Gertrude: That’s the nicest thing a ghost that’s had too much sex and died has ever said to me.
Jim: I may be being forward here, but would you like some festive rumpy-pumpy?
Gertrude: Well yeah, I’d love to…but….well, how do you do it? Surely Jim junior would go straight through me?
Jim: How dare you insult me! The great ghost of rumpy-pumpy past! It’s not the best sex but it would certainly be competitive. We could cuddle as well?
Gertrude: Yeah, I’m sorry. This feels weird.
Jim: So, just because I’m dead you won’t go out with me? How shallow can you get? I’m gonna haunt the sh*t out of you now.
Gertrude: Yeah good luck with that because I’m going to bolt my door shut so that you can’t get in.
Jim: Damn, she’s good.
Jim, forgetting he could have just passed through Gertrude’s door ‘cos he’s a ghost, went on his merry way and tried to get a hookup with some women at a nearby Zumba class.
Gertrude met another better-looking ghost on her way home and hooked up with him instead.
The Erotic End
A Rumpy-Pumpy Christmas
Do you feel all warm and snug from that erotica?
Yup, me too.
But what have these deep, meaningful, and sexy sexy stories told us?
- Mrs. Claus be packin’.
- We don’t talk about sexual reindeer snowmen murderers enough.
- Women just want one thing — Weird ghost sex.
Some lovely warm sexy shenanigans to put under your tree this Christmas.
Try these stories with your partner and watch your relationships and marriages blossom….for a while — then they’ll crash and burn like most relationships :)
Bye bye and happy reading/shagging/complaining in the comments. ❤
Why not put yourself through this horror too?