3 Reasons Why Women Go for “Bad Guys”

Narcissism may advance short-term mating in men, due to a “willingness and ability to compete with one’s own sex”

When I was younger, I did have a thing for stereotypical “bad guys”. I found them alluring, daring and undeniably sexy. The rough and gruffness was a turn-on. The emotional rollercoaster did have crashing lows, but the euphoric highs unleashed short-term amnesia that made me forget all past digressions or sins. There was also a part of me that believed I could change them. I thought that being able to transform them was the most epic display of love and commitment.

But once I approached my early twenties, I began to grow out of that childish delusion. I decided that I appreciated stability and a gentle nature over sudden earth-quakes. I grew out of going for emotionally unavailable men (though I am prone to falter). From looking at my female friends, I think the majority of us have all gone through this phase.

What we were looking for in our early teen years isn’t anywhere close to what we want now. The majority of my friends are in long-term committed relationships with textbook “nice guys”. This is a transition most women find themselves going through as they grow up. Which makes sense, why would you look to build a family and house with someone who will crumble the earth around you?

There have been many studies that have shown this to be true. One found that women found altruistic men more attractive than those who didn’t mention such qualities. Another found that women prefer men who are confident, easy-going and sensitive, and very few preferred men who were aggressive or demanding. Though they did like confidence and assertiveness, other studies have even shown that characteristics such as warmth, basic decency and warmth can make us appear more attractive, regardless of gender. Nevertheless, there are a select few who never went through this change and go for men who are no good so I set out to find out why.

1. We have a culture that romanticises toxic monogamy

I believe to a certain extent; we have been conditioned through the media, film and TV to see many toxic things as grand displays of attraction and romance. E.g. we have romanticised jealousy and control to the point that we see it as a sign of ‘true love’ rather than what it is — insecurity.

Toxic monogamy refers to “monogamy as a cultural institution [that] has been interpreted and practised in ways that are unhealthy.” However, it is very rarely seen for what it is due to being romanticised, and the narrative spun. A few characteristics include:

• The normalisation of jealousy as an indicator of love
• Your partner needs to fulfil every social, emotional, and physical need that you have
• The idea that love concurs all
• The requirement that you meet all your partner’s needs (if you don’t you aren’t trying/loving them hard enough
• The idea that love causes you to stop feeling attraction to other people
• The belief commitment and exclusivity are anonymous
• The belief that marriage and children are the only justification for being in committed relationships
• The notion that your partner’s happiness is an indicator of your value

2. They were deceived by their partner

In cases of abuse, many women would have had no idea the person they were with was trouble until it was too late. They may have already fallen in love/ become pregnant when the abuse starts. A significant indicator of domestic violence is isolation which creates this paradox making it impossible for a woman to leave (it takes women on average seven attempts at leaving before she goes for good). In such cases, being with a “bad boy” was unintentional and accidental.

For others, they see themselves as undeserving or too damaged for a securely attached mate. They don’t want to “ruin” someone so keep their options low. For others, abuse and mistreatment are all they’ve known, so it is what they subconsciously look for in a mate. They see mistreatment and toxicity as passionate love.

3. “Bad” people are attractive in the short-term

Research even shows that men with Dark Triad traits demonstrate more reproductive success by comparison to their peers (however due to the men reporting on their own sexual prowess, these results should be taken with a grain of salt). The researchers came up with two conclusions to explain the results:

First, sexual selection might be at work. This would mean that women are responding to signals of “male quality” when it comes to reproduction. And concerning short-term mating, women may be drawn to “bad boys,” who demonstrate confidence, stubbornness, and risk-taking tendencies. Second, sexual conflict may be at play. The investigators state that “Women may be responding to DT men’s ability to ‘sell themselves’; a useful tactic in a co-evolutionary ‘arms race’ in which men convince women to pursue the former’s preferred sexual strategy.”

They note that like a “used-car dealer,” men with dark traits may be effective charmers and manipulators, furthering their success at short-term mating. The authors are also careful to note that though women rated the DT character as comparatively more attractive, it does not necessarily mean that they would have sex with them.

Those with psychopathy and machiavellian traits tend to display attributes such as superficial charm and be opportunistic and manipulative, which would serve them in the short-term. With regards to narcissists, studies have shown that they tend to put more effort into their appearance. They’re more likely to wear flashy expensive clothing, have an organised, neat appearance requiring a lot of preparation, and (in females) wear makeup and show cleavage.

The study also found that their desire to be the centre of attention serves to promote and maintain their status, which is why in the short-term they would seem more entertaining, attentive and well-adjusted. They have also been found to be at the advantage in short-term mating situations, due to “a willingness and ability to compete with one’s own sex, and to repel mates shortly after intercourse.” However, as evidence shows, over a long-term period, they would falter in the maintenance of this favourable impression being given, revealing themselves to be arrogant, selfish and even hostile.

As I wrote in a previous piece, on the whole, women do go for nice guys. The issue is that many of the men who would like to call themselves one aren’t. However, it would be erroneous to claim all women behave in this way. There is no single reason as to why we find the concept of danger attractive, but I hope that I have shared a few perspectives and views that may shed some light on the conversation.

As with all things, the answer isn’t black or white but a murky grey. However, I am hopeful. I believe that as we become more educated on topics such as domestic violence, more people will know the signs and be able to get out of dangerous situations early. By becoming more honest and open about our mental health, people are seeking treatment and working through their baggage, choosing instead to work to identify and tackle their toxic traits vs bringing them into a new relationship. We are also experimenting with different relationship styles, catering them to our needs rather than adhering to the status quo.

All these things mean that we are working to improve and be a magnet for secure relationships. Therefore I believe, it won’t be too long until the myth of the bad boys is gone for good.

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