RANT

3 Reasons The World Needs Helicopter & Lawnmower Parents

Admit it, we covet their parenting prowess

“When did you get your helicopter pilot’s license?” texts a friend. I was walking to pick up my daughter from work. It was dark, dammit. She’s 14.

These are the new generation of helicopter parents, who take overparenting to the next level. Rather than hovering, these parents actively prepare the way for their children to succeed, they mow down all obstacles they see in their child’s path; make sure their kids always look perfect and if they don’t, they’ll intervene and make it better right away. Laurence van Hanswijck de Jonge

Why are H&L (helicopter and lawnmower) parents the best? Three simple reasons. All centering around what the world needs, obstacle removal, and sacrifice.

1. The world always needs more whiny, dependent people.

We are already overrun with polite, kind, thoughtful folks. We don’t need more “well-adjusted” plebians who can slice their own avocados or who are capable of committing to their own work schedule. We have enough Powerhouses who empty the dishwasher and fill their own gas tanks using their own hard-earned buckaroos.

Screw these folks. They think they don’t need any help or anyone.

We need indecisiveness. Thirty-year-old basement dwellers too weak to decide whether their dads should cut their hot dogs into four chunks or five.

We need youngsters who believe the world owes them a penthouse and a 2-day workweek.

Thank you, H&L parents. You’re providing us with these gems!

2. Obstacles are bad.

Raze all trees within a mile of your property. Kids can fall out of them and break shit. Clean up after your kid. They could trip on their own Lego and break shit.

Crush and eradicate any child or adult who refers to your spawn in any non-praiseworthy way. Kids don’t need negativity in their lives. They will feel unhappy and rejected and commonplace. And then go break shit.

Solving problems is for losers.

3. Parental sacrifice.

Parents deserve more credit. Especially H&L parents. Do you know how difficult it is to give up your own life, time, and energy to construct a kid?

My nearly-50-year old spine damn well aches every time I bend to tie up my 16-year-old’s Vans.

But what’s the alternative? A teen with calloused fingers? A lifetime of hospital visits and physiotherapy? All because he tripped over those too-hard-to-knot laces and stumbled into oncoming traffic?

Not okay. Remember. We need these sniveling milksops.

“My helicopter license arrived with her birth certificate,” I shout to the wind. Because my daughter in piggyback position doesn’t allow for great conversational acoustics. Or return texts.

Are you a successful helicopter parent? Take this brief survey to find out.

☐ You email your child’s teacher 12 times a day — even now that they are a few months away from officially adding Dr. to their credentials and name.

☐ You sherpa your kid’s backpacks from car to school door. Precious might trip under the weight of a cellphone and a fruit-to-go.

☐ You believe that your child should never do their own homework, lift a spoon to their own mouth, or walk more than four steps.

☐ You show up to your 27-year-old child’s 3-month performance review. You don’t ask. A good parent is there for their kid. All. The. Time.

Did you check one or more of the boxes? Congrats! Thanks for your diligence in raising such l̶o̶s̶e̶r̶s̶ champs!

©Jennifer J. McDougall 2022