Who The Hell Needs 80 Bras?

Summary

The article humorously questions the necessity and practicality of owning 80 bras, as suggested by a lingerie company's marketing email.

Abstract

The author of the article expresses skepticism over the need for an extensive collection of 80 bras, as promoted by La Senza in a marketing email. The piece humorously critiques the idea, suggesting that even with financial means or a career in the adult film industry, such a large number of bras seems excessive. The author uses wit and sarcasm to highlight the impracticality of owning so many bras, considering factors like laundry, cost, and the space they would occupy. The article also playfully suggests alternative uses for bras, such as hammocks for support pets, while questioning the marketing strategies of lingerie companies and the societal expectations they perpetuate.

Opinions

The author views the suggestion to own 80 bras as absurd and impractical, especially considering the cost and space implications.
The article implies that La Senza's marketing strategy, which includes frequent promotional emails, is aggressive and out of touch with the average person's needs.
The author sarcastically suggests that owning 80 bras might only make sense for those in the porn industry who need various costumes for their work.
There is a humorous suggestion that bras could be repurposed as hammocks for support pets, indicating the author's view that 80 bras have little realistic use for the average person.
The author questions the societal pressure to constantly purchase new undergarments, as reflected in the persistent marketing messages from lingerie companies.

What exactly will I do with them, La Senza?

Almost daily a lingerie company sends me little reminders that I should dole out more of my paycheck for undergarments. Despite finger-poking “unsubscribe” half a dozen times my phone continues to ding as images of models in lacy gitch arrive.

“Sale!” La Senza always screen-shouts. Often I delete them but sometimes my curiosity wins the arm wrestle. “Forget groceries. Forget your mortgage. Spend all your cash on lacy crap that will remain on your frame for 6.7 seconds.”

Today’s email hit a new low. Or should I suggest ‘a new high’?

Screenshot by author

Why the hell does anyone need 80 bras? Even if your pocketbook is more flush than Lichenstein’s GDP or you look as damn hot as the model above. I’m fairly certain she’s raising her hand to tell me why but I haven’t yet perfected my telepathy skills.

So why 80 bras? As my therapist would say, “let’s unpack this.” I don’t mean literally. The number of suitcases needed to bundle up those eighty bras would make my teeny bedroom look like an episode of Hoarders. Help me make sense of why you might need a closet filled with honker hankies.

1. You don’t own a washing machine.

Apartment, no laundry facilities. I get it. Handwashing takes up time. Having 80 tit slingers means 79 days between scrub-a-dub-dubbing. You can’t afford to exchange your avocado toast budget for a cleaning device so you buy enough to sport each one 4.5 days a year? I’ve got some very positive numerical news for you.

I may not be a descendant of Isaac Newton. But I have taught maths to grades 1 and 2 for the past few years. Since 80 is below second grade standards of composing numbers up to 200 I’m good to go, y’all. My mathematical prowess can actually be of use in this instance!

Those puppies are $52.95 Canadian a pop! Cripies. That’s $4,236 worth of over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders encroaching on prime dresser drawer real estate. For that amount of moola you can get a super duper top-o-the-line washer dryer duo. Or buy the non-Kardashian model and still have enough buckaroos to pay someone to press the buttons and wash those titty tents for you.

2. You work in the porn industry

After a busy day onscreen it’s easy for things to slip your mind. Of course, the odd rack pack traps itself in the filming studio’s gunk-covered couch.

I didn’t realize that “Cam girls” often provide their own costumes. Hm. Maybe having 80 bras does make some sense? And dollars. Groan.

“We’re actually considered independent contractors, so it’s similar to makeup artists and stuff, how they purchase their own makeup,” pornographic actress Chanel Preston explains.

3. Your support pets need safe zones

Bras are quite versatile. Both your Boobsey Twins and the Emo-support parakeets you rescued from a wretched existence in the wilds of the Amazon need snug and supportive hammocks.

“All pets need a safe and secure environment to live in. It is not just for pet safety but for their emotional well-being as well.” Paws en route

If your adorable but previously abused hedgehogs aren’t refreshed, how will you be? Plus, your reference letter for the Humane Society wouldn’t look so great if any of your 37 re-homed cats mingled and mangled your comfort critters.

Who The Hell Needs 80 Bras?

What exactly will I do with them, La Senza?

Here are some possibilities.

1. You don’t own a washing machine.

2. You work in the porn industry

3. Your support pets need safe zones

Yes? No?

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