3 Lessons I Learnt About Communication From A Recent Conflict with My Childhood Best Friend

Also, are relationships beginning to feel more disposable these days?

Recently, I had a conflict with a friend — my closest one since we were 12. It’s a pretty big one considering how we rarely had any over the years, and hardly disagreed.

This time, we were both unhappy with each other and almost ended our 9 years of friendship. There was too much that was built up. From this big conflict, there are 3 lingering lessons that still stick with me.

Lesson #1:

I learned that having the victim mentality with the thinking that ‘the person was at fault’ causes you more emotional turmoil and pain than ‘actually, I share the blame and I have things to work on too’.

When I was feeling the former, the rage was engulfing me. But when I felt the latter, I somehow felt a little calmer and a little less resentful.

At some point, we were both blaming each other. It felt, releasing. But that’s not the type of ‘release’ you want to have. It solves nothing.

It takes more to admit you’re part of the conflict than simply blaming the other person. Most of the time, it’s the ego that’s in the way. However, it’s still a shared responsibility at the end of the day. Rather than stressing and being upset about the ‘other person being at fault’ — which you can’t control, focusing on what you can control — what you can work on on your part, for yourself. It feels a little better, and a little more grounded. At least for me.

Lesson #2:

Speaking up about what you’re unhappy with is good and can be healthy — but only if the other person is comfortable with that. Otherwise, things won’t work out.

I’m someone who’s learned to speak up and set boundaries to protect myself and my feelings over the years while choosing my battles wisely. Don’t get me wrong — I’m not the type to speak up or confront about every little thing — that can be really tiring for anyone, I believe.

My friend isn’t the type to ever speak up, however — at least with me. She thinks small matters should be let go of and not let get in the way. She hardly spoke up about things that she’s unhappy about with me, ever. Our communication is so different. She only spoke up after I did — which is recent.

It is only through this conflict (only our second in 9 years, by the way) that I realized there was so much that was built up, more than we ever thought. The little things we let slide which initially didn’t bother us were all suddenly brought up. Suddenly, I could come up with so many reasons to leave, even if it didn’t bother me before. These same reasons that I was (or am) still looking to leave now seem so much more bothersome to me.

Both of us had so much against the other. Everything was poured out. It was the toughest conversation I’ve had with my closest friend of all time. The way we communicate (at least for me) has never been the same ever since. Even though we decided to patch up and work things out together afterward.

Honestly, I still feel some resentment from that conflict. I’ve never admitted it outwardly to anyone but I’m still healing and need some time to rethink certain things. I need some time to seek closure for myself.

All the times I thought speaking up would help work things out and make the relationship better and eventually a better one for both parties. It makes the relationship last. I’m always open to the other person giving feedback too. But it takes two to clap, especially when it comes to communication style.

Pure communication doesn’t work if it’s merely said and not understood.

Lesson #3:

I would probably reconsider calling someone a true, true friend until we’ve been through a conflict together, I think?

Probably — it still seems a little extreme and excessive to me and I’m probably still being emotional about it. I’m still processing things and it’s a sudden thought. This thought is still on hold, but the general idea is there. Honestly, I can’t seem to find the exact words to articulate that vague idea in my head.

Of course, that doesn’t mean stirring up unnecessary drama. We’re too old for this. But going through conflict is part of the ups and downs people go through together. It’s so different from you going through bad times outside and seeking comfort from the other person, but rather a direct conflict between you and the other person. It speaks volumes about you two and shows different sides of both parties.

Conflicts make or break the bond — sometimes it strengthens, sometimes it weakens. The last friendship I almost ended was because we were unable to solve things together. Since I brought up something for the very first time that hurt my feelings (invalidation), she started walking on eggshells around me. She and I both found it hard for us to communicate normally again. After some time of trying to work things out and letting things go as much as I could, I decided it’s not worth it anymore. That was earlier this year.

(Update: This friend who previously invaliated me reached out and we reconnected with the sincerity to work things out again. Since we later both showed the sincerity to change and work things out together, we’ve both decided to give it another chance. I have a lot of things to work on too.

I figured that I should not let go of someone who genuinely cares for me just like that. People like that are hard to find nowadays.

Shoutout to Eduard Sebastian’s response to this article. I found his advice really helpful and decided to keep going and it saved this current friendship and the one with the childhood friend I talked about in this article. Thank you once again, Eduard.)

It’s hard. And maybe sometimes for some people, it can be a deal-breaker. I’m tempted to want to prioritize communication a little more in general. I hardly speak up to avoid conflict as much as possible, so I only speak up when necessary (which is hard), without any intention of hurting anyone or tiring them out. In cases like that, I’d want it to be worth it.

One other thought; something I’ve been thinking about for a while now:

However, in the process of thinking through so much, it really gets me thinking about something I read some time ago. Are relationships — particularly friendship or romantic relationships — disposable, in this day and age? It feels like it, somehow.

Leaving someone because they didn’t treat you right seems to be increasingly common advice I see online. This also came from some of my friends when I asked for advice on past situations with different people (including the same friend but about others). I remember receiving a few, ‘you’ll have to decide if you still want to keep that person in your life’ kind of messages. Unless that person is toxic or disrespectful, then of course I understand that usually, the answer is to leave. Generally, it also depends on factors such as the situation at hand and the people involved.

After reading this article by Alberto García 🚀🚀🚀, I have a new outlook on this. Is it because mental health, self-esteem, and self-worth are much more commonly discussed these days? People learned to prioritize their mental well-being and self-worth, so leaving people for your own good became a more common concept? Maybe relationships aren’t exactly disposable — people just learn to have different priorities?

But what if it’s not a toxic person? What if, it’s anything else? I’m not sure. Am I overthinking? When do you decide to let go or fix things? Are relationships today disposable? This may seem like a childish concern, and I know that certain things ‘will all make sense when I am older’ (Olaf!). But please share some wisdom with this girl — I’d really love to hear and absorb some wisdom from you guys.

Thank you in advance!

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