What Emotional Invalidation Does To Someone And What You Can Do Instead

What having your feelings invalidated feels like, and what you can do about it for yourself and for others

Having your feelings invalidated sucks. Being told something is too small to worry about, being seen as too dramatic, hearing that someone else has it worse, or that you shouldn’t be feeling this way. Sadly, the list could still go on.

Recently, I’ve been feeling dismissed and invalidated a lot. And I’ve been feeling quite bitter about it. Talking it out with the person did not help or go the way I had hoped for.

Here’s a list of what invalidation does to someone. There are additional pointers on how to help yourself should you be in this situation and what you can say instead to help validate someone else’s feelings.

What emotional invalidation does to someone

Understand that nobody will understand you as no two people feel the same emotion alike.

Two people feeling sad will not feel it to the same extent as the other. Having gone through the same thing, you may understand how it feels. But you will never fully feel them the same way another person does. It’s just different from person to person

Invalidating someone’s feelings will make them doubt and invalidate themselves too.

If they were indeed ‘too sensitive’, It’ll make them doubt themselves, not knowing if they should be feeling what they felt, and have them going in circles about who’s really at fault. Even if it’s not their fault, they’ll feel wrong, and not even know if they should feel that way. Because, what if I’m too sensitive? And maybe, it’s my fault?

They’ll dismiss their feelings like the people around them do.

Everything becomes a ‘small matter’ and they’ll start to underestimate the level of severity of things. Until it gets big enough, and even then, they don’t know how to deal with things, because it’s really not that big of a deal, right? Honestly, growing up, I couldn’t always tell. I tend to underestimate things until someone else told me it’s actually more serious than I thought. But now, I’m being told it’s all really small again.

It hurts. It might create resentment towards the person invalidating their feelings too.

They’ll come to learn that they won’t be able to tell you anything because you’ll invalidate or dismiss it anyways. Someone has it worse, or it’s a small thing. Just deal with it.

They probably can’t tell when they’re being sensible or actually being sensitive.

They’ve always been told they’re too sensitive, even when they truly believe they’re acting sensibly. Because the line is so blurred to them, they often don’t know if they’re actually being reasonable or not. They might also hesitate to speak up for the fear of feeling invalidated again — when they’ve probably already done this to themselves. They don’t need anyone else to reinforce that feeling for them, they already know.

They’ll feel bad about being upset at something.

I’m still feeling angry about this when I know I shouldn’t because it’s not a big deal. Now I’m guilty because I can’t help but feel angry towards this person about this matter. Now I feel worse, and I don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t (and I don’t allow myself to) feel this way, but I do because I don’t know how else to feel about it. Sounds familiar? It’s a loop.

Ways to help yourself should you feel invalidated

Validate your own feelings

Find people who won’t always tell you you’re being too sensitive, especially when you’re sure you have reasons to feel why you feel that way, not simply just because. There’s usually a reason. You can’t constantly be too dramatic or sensitive, even if you’re an emotional person like me. Who says emotional people can’t be sensible too? Don’t we all have both sides of the brain?

Journal

Journaling is great. To me, it’s like a friend I can tell anything to, and it won’t talk back, or receive my words with judgement. I can pour out anything — transparently without a filter.

Don’t rant to people who will invalidate you

They’re most likely telling themselves to just ‘deal with it’ for whatever they’re facing. They most likely aren’t sure how to react to yours either. You can’t help them, and they can’t help you either.

Be okay with feeling what you feel

You are allowed to feel what you feel. You can reason and evaluate afterwards if you believe you’re overreacting. But it is also important to respond to situations with thought, instead of reacting with your emotions taking over. It usually doesn’t end well. Walk away if you have to, or let the other person know you’ll get back to them.

We can’t control our emotions, just the way we respond to them

Emotions come and go, and we can’t exactly control them. We can only control the way we respond and entertain them with our thoughts (which can be changed). We don’t have to react with anger and lash out when we’re feeling angry, or make promises you know you can’t keep when you’re happy. Don’t invalidate yourself.

How to comfort or talk to someone without invalidating their feelings

Provide a listening ear without judgement

Don’t tell them ‘it’s not that bad’. Know that everything affects everyone differently. We’re all facing the same pandemic, but some people are having it worse than others. It’s what the government wants to be the new normal, but people are still suffering. Just because something is ‘normalised’, does not make it better or less severe, or that someone isn’t allowed to be upset by it.

Don’t tell them someone else has it worse

Just because someone’s having it worse, doesn’t mean anyone else’s struggles aren’t real, even if they’re having it better. Just because someone is going through family matters, doesn’t mean you being upset about your exam isn’t valid or that you shouldn’t because ‘it’s not that big of a deal’. That’s like saying you can’t be happy to win the lottery because someone out there just married the love of their life. Both are great, I’m not sure which is better, but both are still worth celebrating, right?

Let them know you will be there for them (only if you will be)

Providing moral support goes a long way, and it provides huge much-needed support that goes a longer way than you thought.

Comfort them, validate them, and make them feel heard. Let them know it’s okay to feel the way they feel

That you hear them. You can explain to them if they’re being irrational or are in the wrong but also listen to what they have to say. You wouldn’t want to listen to someone’s lecture after being invalidated without feeling heard either, even if it’s real, solid advice.

Hearing things like ‘I understand why you would feel that way’ is a little more assuring than ‘I know how you feel’

You’re making them feel heard and understood, instead of inserting yourself into the conversation and making it all about you.

Don’t dominate the conversation

It’s okay to share your story, but don’t over dominate it. Sharing your experience to someone to let them know they’re not alone is okay, as long as you don’t shift the focus and make it all about you, how you had it better or worse. It ends up with the person who first confided in you to listen to you, instead of being listened to. It’s draining, and it gets nowhere. They don’t feel like there’s a purpose in talking to you either. They don’t feel better, are still upset, and more things are being thrown at them when they’re already (probably) overwhelmed.

I once had a friend who would end up dominating the entire conversation with her stories. We’d always ended up discussing her situation instead. She talked about what her team faced, what else they had to deal with and that we should deal with it. It felt that I shouldn’t complain since they’re having it worse than me even though she was complaining to me as we spoke. It felt like I wasn’t heard and I was listening to her instead. It got draining, and it felt like it got nowhere. But that’s another story, I digress.

These are all written from my own experience. But I do hope that sensitive and emotional are not recognised to be synonyms within people. Some people I know think emotional people are always sensitive (and vice versa) and tend to be extra dismissive due to that impression. I hope this helps someone, as these are what I do for others, and hope to receive the same. When I don’t, I do these for myself instead. I truly hope this helps you, or someone you know. If you’ve been feeling this way too recently or have felt this way before, you’re not alone. I hope we find (or have found) better people.