3 Feelings I Wasn’t Prepared for when I Became a Mother

And why we need to talk about them.

After having a child, women go through myriad physical, mental, and emotional changes. Often, new mothers expect to feel love, joy, and maybe even post-partum depression, but when I had my son, I struggled with these unexpected feelings:

Loss of identity

I knew motherhood would change my life; what I didn’t realize was how much it would change my identity. I was thrown so immediately and entirely into motherhood, I felt totally displaced. My new position as mother and caregiver had usurped my dominant roles as teacher, friend, and runner. Now, everything seemed foreign, and I was filled with constant uncertainty.

Mumsnet founder and CEO Justine Roberts explains,

“We see so many women expressing a sense of dislocation as a life that was once filled with work, socialising, travel and exploration disappears almost overnight.”

Becoming a mother catapults women into a completely different sphere. Adjusting to new surroundings while navigating this sphere takes time.

In an article published in The Washington Post, a mother of two describes her struggle:

I was stuck in an identity crisis: longing for the “old me” and at the same time unable to remember who the old me was. Nor did I know who the “new me” was.

After having my son, the old me felt unreachable. It was like looking at myself holding a picture of myself in the mirror.

Grief

While I cherished my son, I grieved the loss of my identity and old life. I longed to do the things I once loved — meet up with friends for happy hour or trivia at my favorite bar, take a weekend trip, go for an early-morning run — but it all felt so far away.

Paige Bellenbaum, Director of The Motherhood Center, explains that while going through a major transition like becoming a mother, it’s common to “grieve a loss of self.”

Even when I did get to do some of the things I enjoyed once again, it wasn’t the same. If I went out with friends, I couldn’t stay late because I knew my son would wake me early the next morning, my running schedule changed drastically (mostly, I was lucky to find time to run at all), and making travel arrangements became a logistical nightmare.

Adjusting to and accepting my new sphere took time, but eventually, I threaded some of the old and the new together, creating richer and more intricate life experiences.

Resentment

I had been told that nothing tests a relationship like having a child. I thought this meant my son’s father and I might have different views on parenting or argue about how to handle certain situations involving our son. Turns out, we agreed on most child-related issues and had the same parenting style.

What I never saw coming was the resentment — of the fact that my son’s father couldn’t be with us during the week because he worked three hours away; of the fact that he had rental properties he often had to tend to when he was home; of the fact that he had to drive to Vermont every weekend to pick up and drop off his other son; but mostly because our lives revolved around his.

When my son’s father finally got a job closer to home and we settled into a new routine, I was still responsible for most of the childcare, household chores, and the family schedule, on top of my full-time job. I became angry that while I was drowning under my mental load, my son’s father wasn’t throwing me a life preserver.

In an article for Care.com, family physician Beth Oller describes how resentment crops up:

While resentment can happen in any relationship, it’s especially common after kids “because of the sheer volume of things that need to be done…In a relationship between partners who are parents, resentment is often the word used when the couple feels there isn’t a fair distribution of labor. When one person feels that they do more than the other, it can lead to bitterness and a feeling of keeping score.”

This is exactly what happened with me and my son’s father, and it destroyed our relationship.

Final thoughts

While there’s no way to fully prepare for motherhood, understanding the spectrum of emotions that may develop after having a baby helps. Friends or family members who have young children and online parent forums are valuable resources. My childhood best friend, who lives in another state, went through similar struggles with her son as I did with mine. Hearing her story and knowing she got through the turmoil brought me comfort.

Most importantly, new mothers need to talk to and support one another. Grappling with identity loss, grief, and resentment without an outlet leads to another intense emotion: loneliness.