Why Mothers Aren’t as Happy as Fathers

Acknowledging and decreasing a mother’s “mental load.”

When our son was about two years old, my boyfriend, Josh, and I invited our good friends over for dinner. While my son napped, I began preparing stuffed shells: chopping and sautéing the vegetables, boiling the water, and making the cheese mixture.

As I cooked, I washed pots, pans, and mixing bowls, creating a mountain of metal and plastic next to the sink. In between stirring the food, I dried dishes to make room for more. I continued going back and forth between the sink and the stove until the timer beeped. The pasta water began to boil over. I removed the pot from the stovetop, turned off the timer, and dumped the shells into a colander. Just then, the mountain of dishes fell. Metal crashed to the floor. I held my breath. Please don’t wake up. Please don’t wake up. Please don’t wake up. My son began to cry.

“I could really use your help with something!” I finally yelled to Josh, who had been sitting directly in front of me at the kitchen island the entire time, reading a book.

A few weeks later, I sat in my therapist’s office telling this story. Josh and I had finally bought a house together — a move I thought would alleviate stress. Instead, I felt overwhelmed with responsibility. I handled most of the childcare and did nearly all the cooking and cleaning. “He’s not even cognizant of what needs to get done,” I lamented as my therapist scribbled notes into the folder in her lap.

She put down her pen. “You know,” she said, “men don’t operate the same way we do. You have to ask for help when you need it.”

Her response frustrated me, as it underscored the inequity of parental and household duties. My responsibilities as a mother included coordinating, implementing, executing, managing, and supervising almost all aspects of my family’s life. Josh’s responsibility as a father was simply “help when asked.”

The “mental load.”

On top of completing daily activities such as folding laundry, doing dishes, and making dinner, mothers often assume more global family responsibilities: arranging childcare, making doctor’s appointments, organizing birthday parties, orchestrating play dates, coordinating extracurriculars like soccer practice or swim lessons, and managing fundraisers. All of this contributes to a mother’s mental load.

Mothers are big-picture thinkers. They know everything that goes into each daily, weekly, and monthly task — and they spend a significant amount of mental energy planning and executing those tasks. One Australian news source explains it well:

“Think of a household like a company running several ongoing projects all in different stages (cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, maintenance, childcare, etc.), and you’re the project manager for all of them.”

Mothers are overwhelmed and exhausted because they have so much on their minds at all times, and they rarely get the opportunity to shut down.

Fathers are happier than mothers.

Not surprisingly, studies show that fathers are happier overall than mothers. Because mothers control most household duties while handling the more stressful parts of parenting, fathers are free to reap the benefits of living in the moment more often.

Think of mothers as event planners. First, they create a vision and a theme for the event. Then, they organize it, tending to all the details: invite the guests, collect the supplies, prepare the food, arrange the entertainment, decorate the venue, and make the favors.

On the day of the event, they check to make sure everything has been set up properly. When guests arrive, they will mingle a bit and maybe try some hors d’oeuvres to ensure things are running smoothly. When the party is over, they clean up.

Even if fathers put up some of the decorations or stay behind to help clean, they’re mostly free to enjoy themselves — eat the food, have some drinks, and participate in party activities and games.

So when a father attends an activity like his child’s soccer game, he is in the moment, watching the game. The mother likely kept track of the soccer schedule and arranged for everyone to get to the field on time. While there, she’s planning out the rest of the day, thinking about what needs to get done when she gets home. Therefore, she isn’t present for the game in quite the same way.

To make mothers happier, we need to reduce their mental load

Parenting takes a disproportionate toll on mothers’ mental health. But there are ways we can reduce their mental load and leave more room for enjoyment.

First, we need to recognize and appreciate everything that mothers do. Not only are they mentally and physically exhausted, they often feel undervalued. I make dinner regularly, and after we eat, Josh will often say, “That was really good. Thank you.” It’s a small gesture, but it makes me feel appreciated.

Next, we need to stop making mothers the default caregivers and household organizers — reject the notion that they’re responsible for everything and aren’t entitled to help unless they ask for it. The mental load may be invisible, but we should still acknowledge it. Josh was shocked to hear about everything I planned out in my head daily. Once he recognized my mental load, however, he began to understand how he could help.

Last, we need to open the door for conversations about household responsibilities so partners can work together to manage tasks. After discussing our roles, Josh and I decided I should continue to make dinner, but he should clean up afterward. He will now fold laundry while I empty the dishwasher or get our son’s bath ready as I pick up toys in the living room — without me asking.

Final thoughts