3 Easy Ways to Change Your Mindset After A Major Break-Up

There is no good or bad, there is only thinking.

Everyone has their own narrative. The view of the world through their lens. I used to always think that my life was rather smooth-sailing, almost too much. I can’t quite decide whether it was that I was more resilient, or that I just didn’t delve too much or let myself spend too much time deliberating about how I might potentially feel about a happening or incident. It was much easier to let all that thoughts go and “go with the flow”. Spirited and cheerily. But was I really? I still can’t say for certain but I think, not.

They say that only in adversity do you grow.

Three years from my first major-break up and losing my dream job, I found myself much more intentional with the way I live. I am (or I try to be) aware of the emotions and thoughts that I have.

Some of which I still tend to sometimes overshare. I say “over” share, because not all emotions and/or thoughts need to be acted on.

But in this journey of finding my footing again: I wept, I felt helpless and confused about how to find a new purpose when an entire world that I thought was planned out collapsed, I tried new activities, I had rebound relationships. But here’s what felt like my biggest hurdle in life taught me in terms of changing my mindset:

Focus only on what is within your control

There is a fundamental tenet of the Stoic philosophy: that you have no control over the happenings for most of the things in life. You cannot control the external events and things that happen to you. The only thing that you have control over is your attitude and the way you react to these external events.

“You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength.” — Marcus Aurelius

This was difficult to swallow, but in hindsight, true to its word. I can’t speak for any of you, but one of the deepest burning questions that stopped me from carrying on with my life was the “Why”s.

Our relationship was going so well, we had it our lives all planned out we talked about our dream house, where it would be, what we needed to do to get there. Why did it happen? Why has someone I thought would always stand by me decide to give up on our relationships.

Whilst some answers might provide an ease of your mind and give you “closure”, the truth is that it doesn’t matter.

You will never be satisfied with the answers.

For as long as you continue to give in to your thoughts and your emotions (and I was, very, emotional), the questions will be endless. The better way forward, albeit a challenging one, is to accept that things happen for reasons that are not within your control. Forget about the whys, once you realise and learn to let go of the questions, you would find that instead of trying to change what has already happened — how can you change how you react to it instead? Do I want to keep crying over spilt milk, or would I rather think about how I can turn this challenge into something that I can learn and grow from.

Treat yourself like you would a good friend

Unless you are a friend who would talk your friends down, which I think highly unlikely, treat yourself like you would a good friend.

You wouldn’t tell your friend that she must have been the cause of terrible things that have happened to her. That she was not good enough. That she was not lovable enough. That she should have tried harder.

We each easily have more than 5,000 thoughts a day.

If anyone, the person that we have the most conversation with in a day, is obviously ourselves.

So try and imagine the impact there is if even 5% of those thoughts were negative self-talk that was aimed at beating ourselves up.

That means 250 times a day you’re telling yourself horrible things about yourself that we all know is less than constructive!

Be kind to yourself. If you would treat a friend with kindness and support, why should you treat yourself with any less?

Memento Mori: the limited time we have left to live

I confess that this is sometimes a rather daunting way to look at life, but not more than it can be empowering.

The truth is that every second you spend is every second of your life that you are not getting back.

This was one of the most poignant and impactful thoughts, that once I came to understand and appreciate, propelled me to growth and progress.

Why would you want to spend the limited time on earth excessively ruminating over things you have no control over?

This is a balance though, because I am not saying that you should sweep things under the rug and act as if you are not bothered by what has just happened.

But the point of it is that after you’ve spent some time labouring over your emotions, it’s time to gear up and move forwards.

Keep growing, keep learning, keep working towards making sure that you are spending your time according to your values and what is most important to you.

Because death is an inevitable outcome for all of us some day.