Feeling Exhausted As A Mother? Here’s How To Fix It!

11 proven hacks to take action and get rid of your mental load

Let’s be honest, aren’t we mothers exhausted?

With few options to get through this pandemic, parenting has become a 24/7 marathon. I often hear awed non-parents exclaim breathlessly, I couldn’t do what you’re doing!

Awesome, thanks. But we didn’t receive special powers when Covid waltzed into town — we just HAVE to get on with it. Frankly, what mothers need isn’t admiration, but a way to shift the mental load.

For me, parenting a small baby from home during the pandemic has been incredibly stressful🤯. But I asked myself, what it is in particular that makes me feel so exhausted?

Crunch Time Parents Are Busy Around The Clock

The moment my baby was born, my Mom-me was born, too. And instead of wearing my former ‘product manager uniform’ in professional life, I put on the ‘Mom-me-uniform’ for my new lead role in family life.

I quickly realised that parenting a baby — changing diapers, comforting, feeding — was like a full-time job. But instead of having fairly fixed working hours and being able to shut down the computer in the evening, parenting doesn’t have that. It is a permanent crunch time and, with our current restrictions, feels more like a marathon than ever. Whereas before I worked a lot of overtime that I was able to take off later, now I’m working unpaid overtime non-stop.

Hand on heart, dear mothers, isn’t it true that we are busy around the clock? If not physically, then mentally? When we recently moved into a new flat with the baby, it opened my eyes. My head was full to the brim with a hundred thousand things. I realised that besides ordering and unpacking boxes, and so on, I also had my baby in my arms, who kept interrupting my work or simply waking up at 5 a.m., screaming and partying.

The feeling of having to manage the move, at least mentally (although my husband did most of the physical work), keep the household running, keep the baby alive, and put on a fresh pair of sweatpants was overwhelming.

The mountains of tasks piled up in my head and formed themselves into Mount Everest.

Everything You Do As A Mother Is Simply A Matter Of Course

Weeks later, I am now coming to reflect on my new main role, which I call ‘Family Manager’. As a new mum, I suddenly felt like, if I don’t do X or Y, no one will, combined with the task of having to be there for everyone, especially my baby.

And I found that there is very little sympathy for new mothers in such a position, especially when we’re brought up to believe that all the tasks that need to be done, including childcare, are the mother’s responsibility, to be completed simply as a matter of course!

Even in the first week, my mother-in-law told me that everything I would do as a new mother was simply a matter of course.

She said she never complained about all the tasks she had to manage because that was just the way it was supposed to be

The climax came when after I had done everything necessary so that our little one was in a good mood at his grandparents’ (full of milk, a nap in the car, perfectly timed). When he fell asleep on his grannie’s arm after a long stint of playing and happy gurgling, she boasted that she could easily manage parenting him despite the household, work, and so on — even at her age.

Family Managers Aren’t Allowed To Whine Or Wish for Self-care Time

Acquaintances weren’t much more helpful: That’s what parental leave is for so that the mother can spend the whole day just looking after the child.

I quickly understood that, as a family manager, you are expected to be grateful, loving, and reserved. We’re not allowed to whine or wish for self-care time.

For example, time to write these lines? If we do, a dark cloud starts to follow us — the label of ‘bad mother’. The following sentences come to mind: She should also be there for the little one in the evening. I also took care of him all day. That’s just the way it is as a mother. If only she knew all the things I did and had to do.

It was precisely because of such statements that I allowed myself few breaks. And even though I have the best husband in the world by my side, who took on many tasks and helped where he could, the daily grind quickly got on top of me. I was just exhausted and felt more powerless than ever.

Where had all my energy and strength gone?

Is Permanent Exhaustion Actually Part Of Being A Mother? No!

In my search for that lost energy, I wanted to get to the bottom of the question of whether it is really part of being a mother that we are so exhausted. During my research, I came across the concept of ‘mental load’. Now I knew what I, and so many other (working) moms, was suffering from!

‘Mental load’ also explains why around 80% of mothers suffer from burn-out🤯.

I went from being a product manager to a family manager, which you could also call a project manager. That’s a well-paid job in the free economy.

In family life, you are a manager on the side. It’s exhausting and stressful.

Because it’s not just a daycare centre for baby, it’s also all the supposedly self-evident, invisible managerial tasks with little to no appreciation that I take on in the background.

What Is Mental Load?

The buzzword ‘mental load’ refers to the mental burden that arises within the family. As a (new) mother you become the project manager. The person who keeps everything from falling apart.

But in contrast to professional life as a manager, this is not the management of a factual task, but of childcare. It’s emotional, and my child’s future depends on it.

If I do something wrong in the organisation, not only does it reflect on me as a ‘family manager’, it has real-world consequences for my son.

In a nutshell, mental load means:

memory work + preparation + implementation + follow-up.

The tricky thing is that the planning and completion of tasks take place in the background, is hardly visible, and is taken for granted. Yet the mother’s project management for household and family is very small-scale and drags an invisible rat’s tail behind it.

The Dangerous Disadvantages Of Being An Invisible Family Manager

My ‘To Do’ lists pile up in my head. In my mind, I go through them during the day when I’m on the crawling blanket with my son, or I’m reminded of them when I see the piles of dirty laundry that I’d briefly put in the bathtub because I wanted to clean the floor. The dangerous thing: even in the evening, when I should be giving my exhausted mind a break, I go through the list again instead of relaxing or sleeping.

Moreover, especially with the first child, the trap snaps shut and we fall into the typical role patterns.

One takes care of the family and the other earns the money. This image of the caretaker and the breadwinner comes from our capitalist economy, where man and woman are seen as resources. If you have two resources, you try to double them by each specialising in one task. But this usually leaves one of the partners feeling dissatisfied and unhappy. Especially in times of the pandemic, many men are beginning to see what it means to juggle household and work on the side because they are also physically available and are also asked for help once in a while.

My husband has also offered his support now he’s working from home. After my request, he swings the hoover, takes down the rubbish, or gets nappies. Still, I feel like it’s my job to remind him of his chores. Sometimes it feels like I am his mother or boss and he is my child or assistant.

This assistant job of my husband’s does not lessen the mental load. On the contrary.

You want more sex? Then play a fair game

Since nowadays we mainly enter into emotional relationships in which we want to find private fulfillment, we also expect our partner to satisfy our emotional needs. Those who are overwhelmed by the mental load see supposedly trivial things, such as dirty dishes, as representative of the lack of emotional support and consequently become frustrated.

Eve Rodsky makes the case for fair play in her NYT bestseller. Surveys show that sex and a fair division of household tasks are related.

If the division of tasks is fair, the frequency of sex increases.

If both partners take parental leave (if this is possible depending on the country), this has positive effects on the couple relationship. They feel closer to each other because they understand each other’s world better and do not live in parallel worlds.

So why don’t father and mother feel equally responsible? I often hear sentences like: My husband doesn’t care about anything. Or: I can’t do anything right for my wife. Naturally, I told myself that I would never fall into this spiral of reproach, but despite my best efforts, it has happened to me! My husband and I have found ways to work on it.

I would like to share proven experiences and tips based on Eve Rodsky’s NYT bestseller, ‘Fair Play’ and ‘Get out of the Mental Load Trap’ by Patricia Cammarata with you, so that you can stop arguing with your partner and, at the same time, get your energy back.

Spoiler: In the best case scenario, you both take on 50 % of the tasks that arise. But there are other scenarios, too.

11 Proven Hacks To Take Action & Get Rid Of The Mental Load

1. Your time is diamonds!

Idea: Present your partner with a list of all your jobs multiplied by the average hourly wage. And then insist on half of his income. Your time is not infinite. It’s worth diamonds.

Insight: Your child is already screaming at 5 a.m.and then wants to party? As a family manager, the day starts with your baby’s rhythm. Often the day starts earlier than expected or ends late at night. Maybe some days you feel like you have to be there for your child 24/7. In the meantime, your partner can sleep in in the morning or finish work in the evening, make himself comfortable on the couch or dive into his smartphone. You, meanwhile, are working unpaid overtime for the family.

2. Make tasks visible

Idea: Make the tasks that have to be done at home visible in the form of an Excel sheet. It’s best to sit down with your partner at the kitchen table in the evening and go through everything.

Insight: Project managers love Excel spreadsheets. Try it once in a while, not only at work. Just listing the task packages with preparation, implementation and follow-up is enough.

3. Definition of ‘done’

Idea: As important in family management as in project management. Determine with your partner when a task can be classified as done.

Insight: In project management, a target state is defined. That is, when a task is considered to be completed.

4. Delegate and let go

Idea: Divide the tasks between you and your partner. It is important to hand over whole packages of tasks. That means planning, preparation, implementation and follow-up. Also determine when a task is considered completed. This is the only way to get the task out of your head. As in project management, define meta-tasks such as “toothpaste” and all subtasks that are related to it, e.g. check how much toothpaste is left in the cupboard, order more toothpaste, receive the delivery, unpack the package and put the toothpaste back into storage in the bathroom.

Insight: Your partner will probably do the tasks differently than you do. Practice patience, give him space, and give secret tips instead of comments. Over time, your partner will make their own experiences and mistakes and will be able to tell you whether they like a task and are happy to do it or not.

5. Declutter your to-dos à la Marie Kondo

Idea: For each item on your list, ask yourself: Do I really need to do this task? Can the task be postponed or outsourced? How important is it? Does it bring me joy? If yes, keep the task. If no, then radically cross it off or let someone else — your partner or a vacuum robot — clean the floor of dust.

Insight: Marie Kondo has dedicated her life to tidiness. In her bestseller, she describes her method called ‘Kondo Marie’. It involves dividing one’s possessions into categories and examining them to see if an item brings you joy or not.

6. Don’t automatically do the tasks yourself

Idea: Doing one task less means a few minutes of me-time and thus gaining more joy in life. Therefore, have the courage to leave tasks, such as doing the laundry, and wait to see if someone else in the household takes them over, for example your eldest child, whom you show how to separate the laundry beforehand.

Insight: Often we take on tasks because we think we have to. But if you just wait long enough, it will either be done by someone else, or there will be protest and everyone will now know that the task exists.

7. WHY?

Idea: Question your actions. Don’t ask yourself how you can do a task better, faster or more efficiently. Ask yourself why you are doing it in the first place.

Insight: If it’s about baking a cake, ask yourself if it can be a simple sheet cake or if it has to be a bought cake from the bakery or a three-tiered rainbow-coloured unicorn cake. Often we do things, not for our children but because we crave attention — that’s only human.

8. Practice serenity and resigned maturity

Idea: Accept things as they are instead of nagging. For example, if brushing your little one’s teeth doesn’t go as planned because you have to throw yourself at him as if he were a crocodile wriggling around, then the most important goal in mind is that the teeth are brushed, not how.

Insight: Resigned maturity as an attitude to life. This means letting go of the hope that the other person will change. Instead, accept them as they are. This attitude is not only good for your excessive demands, but also for your relationship. Instead of constantly nagging, you should simply accept some things as they are.

9. One “good enough” is also enough

Idea: Accept yourself as imperfectly perfect as you are. If you hardly slept at all during the night, it’s normal that you react impatiently during the day or overreact to trivial things. If your partner has taken on a task, but is having a hard time with it, let him gain his own experience and don’t measure him against your own high quality expectations.

Insight: Your time and energy is not infinite. Be aware that your energy is finite, like a cake: you can divide it into 8 or 16 pieces, but it won’t get any bigger. Only if you find solutions to save energy, you can counteract your permanent exhaustion instead of having impossibly high quality expectations.

10. For every time they call Mummy, they also call Daddy once

Idea: After a certain age, most children call for Mama first and foremost. This is the universal call that echoes through the rooms. Establish that your children should call for Mummy for once and for Daddy for once too.

Insight: The term ‘maternal gatekeeping’ means that some mothers take over everything to do with children and the household. They feel good because it strokes their ego that the children call for them.

11. Do what is good for you and drop the ball

Idea: To replenish your reserves, me-time is very important. Therefore, reserve two hours per week in which you can do whatever you feel like. Drop the ball — just walk out of the house and think, you have to figure it out, daddy. But your me-time can also be a date night with your partner. The main thing is that it brings you joy!

Insight: Self-care increases your well-being.

Final Thoughts

The most important thing is that the supposedly small things of everyday life that are invisible are made visible. If you can do that for yourself and your partner, then you will first see what a great woman you are and where your exhaustion comes from.

From all the thousands of things that come up and that you rack your brains over🤯. With a child, you live in a permanent crunch time. At the same time, you can only complete tasks with the handbrake on because you are constantly interrupted. Heed my recommendations and feel revitalised. Don’t carry the mental load alone, but share it with your partner or find a way that you agree with. The consciousness is there, now take action!

Dear Moms, from the bottom of my parenting, pandemic-battered exhausted heart: don’t stress eat and cry, but give yourself a break. Your time isn’t infinite. It’s diamonds. It’s even worth dollars and you are doing your best 👍!

The consciousness is there, now take action😘,

Kristina 💕

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