#23 — Mother [Redacted]

Original nursery rhymes uncovered

Ah, the glorious 1800s. Women with parasols. Men in top hats. Everyone with melanin was persecuted. No one bathed more than twenty times a year. Men sported facial hair unironically.

And everyone was horny as fuck.

People have called it simpler times. Maybe even naive times. But newly recovered evidence of nursery rhymes proves this is not the case.

Due to the sensitive (and sometimes illegal or immoral) nature of the original little ditties, I’ve redacted those parts of the well-known rhymes so you don’t get your dander up. Or, you could let your dirty little minds wander, as I did.

Humpty [redacted]

Humpty [redacted] sat on a [redacted], Humpty [redacted] had a great [redacted] All the King’s [redacted], and all the King’s men [redacted] [redacted] Humpty together again!

[redacted] Jack Horn [redacted]

[redacted] Jack Horn[redacted] Sat in [redacted] Eating his [redacted] [redacted], He stuck in his thumb And pulled out a [redacted] and said “What a good boy am I”

Ring Around the [redacted]

Ring around the [redacted], Pocket full of [redacted], [redacted]! [redacted]! We all [redacted] down!

Little [redacted] Peep

Little [redacted] Peep has lost her [redacted] And doesn’t know [redacted] to [redacted] them. Leave [redacted] alone and they will come [redacted], Wagging their [redacted] behind them.

Little [redacted] Muffet

Little [redacted] Muffet Sat on her [redacted], Eating her [redacted] and [redacted]; Along came a [redacted], And sat down beside her, [redacted] [redacted] Muffet away

[redacted] Porgie

[redacted] Porgie [redacted] and [redacted], Kissed the girls and made them [redacted] When the boys came out to play, [redacted] Porgie [redacted] away.

[redacted] Old Man

This old man, he played [redacted], He played knick-knack on my [redacted]; With a knick-knack [redacted] whack Give a [redacted] a bone, This old man came [redacted] home.

Are you still [redacted] there? You [redacted] bored? The best [redacted] is still ahead.

Pop Goes the [redacted]

All around the [redacted] Bench The [redacted] chased the [redacted]. The [redacted] thought t’was all in fun, Pop, goes the [redacted].

[redacted] Dickory Dock

[redacted] Dickory Dock, The [redacted] went up the [redacted], The [redacted] struck one The [redacted] went down, [redacted] Dickory Dock.

Mary Had a Little [redacted]

Mary had a little [redacted], whose [redacted] was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary [redacted], the [redacted] was sure to [redacted].

[redacted], diddle, [redacted]

[redacted], diddle, [redacted], The [redacted] and the [redacted], The [redacted] jumped over the [redacted]; The little [redacted] laughed To see such [redacted], And the [redacted] ran [redacted] with the [redacted].

Baa Baa Black [redacted]

Baa baa black [redacted] Have you any [redacted]? Yes sir, yes sir, three [redacted] full One for the master and One for the dame One for the little boy Who lives down the lane

Pat-a-[redacted], pat-a-[redacted]

Pat-a-[redacted], pat-a-[redacted], [redacted]’s man [redacted] me a [redacted], as fast as you can; Pat it, prick it, and [redacted] it with [redacted], Put it in the [redacted] for [redacted] and me.

Jack [redacted]

Jack [redacted] could eat [redacted] [redacted]. His wife could eat [redacted] [redacted]. And so between them both, you see, They licked the [redacted] [redacted].

[redacted]-[redacted]-[redacted]-[redacted]

[redacted] [redacted] [redacted] a [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]? [redacted] [redacted], [redacted] [redacted], [redacted] [redacted]-[redacted], [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted], [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted].

How’d you do? Were they as dirty as 17th-century bath water or is it just me?

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