Editorial

Maybe We DO Need Some Stinking Badgers!

Ya ever think of that, Mr. Smarty?

To meet the needs of the American people “in these times” the federal government will be sending a live badger to every household in the country.

“We wouldn’t send a dead one,” remarked the President, “That makes no sense.”

Apparently, the US Constitution allows extraordinary latitude to the executive branch in any matters related to the Mustelidae family, which includes not only badgers, but polecats, weasels, wolverines, and ferrets.

“Okay,” I can hear you saying, “All I know about badgers is they dig holes under my house and are snappy dressers. How will badgers improve my quality of life?”

First of all, that house thing is a lie. Here’s what we’ve learned about the value add of having a badger in the house.

You can rely on your badger.

Badgers are great with kids. When your sister stops answering your calls, and your mother has staged her own death to avoid talking to you and you really need someone to watch your kids because the school is shut down yet again for an outbreak and you have no more time to take off because you’ve used up all your sick days — take a breath — you can rely on your badger. Yes, badgers are curmudgeonly, like Professor Kingsfield or my grandfather. They are stern but fair. As long as you let them watch All Creatures Great and Small on PBS, the badgers will be content and the kids safe.

And they’ll help with the homework. Really, do you have any idea what your kids are doing in school? Of course you don’t. But your badger does. They’ve been eavesdropping all day. Geometry? They do that shit for fun.

You’ll never find a badger losing its cool.

When society crumbles, as we all suspect it will, badgers will provide tactical support. Historically, badgers have a reputation for military excellence. In 1779, as mercenaries, they were hired by Washington to counter the Hessians who fought for the British. Badgers are fearsome — with that badass stripe on their face and the sharp pointy finger end things — and they’re known to train in open paw, closed fist, and weapon martial arts. Badgers are also famous for quick thinking in stressful situations. You’ll never find a badger losing its cool.

They will also dig defensive fortifications and entrenchments. As sappers in the Pacific War, secret badger regiments dug extensive labyrinthine tunnel systems on Corregidor and Peleliu before being disbanded when Congress cut funding to the Department of Forestry and Wildlife’s combat division.

Badgers will introduce you to the classics in their book groups. Maybe it’s tied to the wonderful snacks they make? One participant said, “Our badger, Federico, made War and Peace almost effortless. His depth of understanding and empathy for the characters — it moved me to tears almost as much as the book itself.” Note, though, that badgers generally prefer Dostoevsky to Tolstoy. Upon reading Notes from the Underground, Federico commented, “This could have been written by a badger.”

They are amazing editors. We’ve had two badgers on staff here at MuddyUm since October and the quality of our publication has improved markedly. Their editorial instincts are on the button and their work ethic never flags. The queue hasn’t backed up for months, and the editorial meetings run like the proverbially well oiled. Badger.

They will freshen the air. It’s long been a slur to refer to stinkin’ badgers. As in, “We don’t need no —. ” And for many years this was, in fact, a hurtful epithet, flung out to badger crowds as they marched at IWW rallies in the 19aughts. Lately, though, the pro-badger community has reclaimed the word. The most recent badger PSA campaign is built around the slogans, “Own the Musk” and “Yeah. That Is Me.” A badger in every house will certainly change the ambience of our homes, but only the badger-phobic would deny that it’s an improvement over the vile stink of humanity’s greed, cruelty, and hubris that we’ve all grown accustomed to.

As Neil Postman wrote, “When you add a badger to an ecosystem, you don’t get the ecosystem plus a badger; you get an entirely new ecosystem.”

So, yeah, maybe we do need some stinkin’ badgers.

Thank you Andrew Rodwin, Amy Sea, and Susan Brearley HSDP, ICF ACC, IMBA for elevating the funny.