The Definitive 2019–20 NBA League Pass Watchability Rankings

Serge and Brandon go deep as the NBA season tips, ranking the league’s most watchable teams from 30 to 1…

THE NBA IS FINALLY BACK, AND IT’S BEEN A HECK OF AN OPENING WEEK. The Sixers are invincible, KAT is the MVP, James Harden just missed another three, the Warriors suck now, and everything is different. NBA Twitter gets pretty dark around mid-August, so it’s mostly just a relief to have real, live games again. One can only read so many fake trades and KoBe iS tHe GoAt posts, you know? But no matter. Basketball is BACK.

And there’s still only one way to watch it all — with an egregiously expensive NBA League Pass subscription that never actually works. Still, for that rare Tuesday one week after the first full moon between 11pm and midnight when the LP gods deign to grace your screen with streaming basketball, you need to know whether to catch a Suns-Cavs scrimmage or a Spurs-Pistons snuff film.

So I grabbed serge and we each ranked every NBA team, argued back and forth, and finally agreed on this year’s official NBA League Pass rankings. For the tradition, y’all. We start at #30 and go from there. Giddyup.

TIER IX — PLEASE DON’T MAKE US WATCH

30t. Charlotte Hornets (Last season: 21) 30t. Washington Wizards (15)

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Well, we agree on the two least watchable teams in the league. You had the Hornets last. I had the Wizards. Call it a last-place tie.

Washington and Charlotte play each other four times this season. What would I have to do to bribe you to watch all four games in their entirety?

SL

I mean, enough to retire somewhere a lot less cold than Toronto in the winter.

The better question: if you were to combine both these rosters, does the rating move even an inch? We’ve already had our annual Nic Batum injury (that train is never late), so Charlotte is basically handing the keys to… hold on, I have to Google their roster… Terry Rozier, I guess? At least watching Beal put up volume could be fun if it wasn’t so devastatingly sad.

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At least the Hornets have highlight reel Miles Bridges dunks and the off chance that Malik Monk catches fire for the five minutes the coaches give him that night.

Washington has nothing. They have the single least watchable team in basketball AND football. I’m not even mad — that’s amazing!

SL

Remember that time when the Wizards really thought they had a shot at Kevin Durant? I don’t even think he’d make this team more watchable and that’s all kinds of tragic. Someone needs to save Bradley Beal from this mess, except that they can’t.

TIER VIII — SO MANY HORRIBLE EAST TEAMS

28. Cleveland Cavaliers (30) 27. Detroit Pistons (27) 26. New York Knicks (29)

SL

Someone should have really explained “positionless basketball” to Jim Dolan and the Knicks front office before they signed every available power forward in the league. It’s hard to see where the Knicks will get any good basketball or any kind of entertainment value. Though I do tune in every December for the fan meltdown. Those are fun.

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The Knicks stay out of the cellar for the same reason as every other year: it’s hard to turn away from a train wreck. Besides, they actually have interesting young guys. Mitchell Robinson is fun, and R.J. Barrett and Kevin Knox get to compete for worst player in the league (shouts DSJ and Frankie Smokes, who can’t even get off the bench).

Just once this season, I hope we get a real live Randle-Knox-Mook-Bobby-Taj lineup for at least a full quarter. I don’t ask for much.

SL

My dream lineup, right behind the Bucks running out double Lopez.

I actually fooled myself into thinking Detroit may be watchable? And then someone uttered “point Drummond” on Twitter and I had to quit the idea of this team entirely. We’ll get two or three Derrick Rose games where he looks competent again and I’ll have to log off Twitter because it absolutely becomes unbearable. I’d watch more Pistons if they brought back their old jersey.

Also, I think it may be more entertaining to watch Kevin Love’s Instagram than it is to watch the Cavs play basketball. Do with that what you will.

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If you’re talking about that trash 90s teal jersey that was single-handedly responsible ending Grant Hill’s career, I don’t even know you. Come to think of it, that might be the last time the Pistons were entertaining.

I don’t totally mind the Cavs, at least compared to the rest of these teams. John Beilein knows how to run offense, I’m in on the Dylan Windler experience, and we finally get to watch Darius Garland and Kevin Porter Jr. play semi-pro ball. It could be much worse. Last year, for example.

TIER VII — MAYBE IF THE RIGHT GUYS ARE PLAYING

25. Orlando Magic (28) 24. San Antonio Spurs (25) 23. Chicago Bulls (23) 22. Phoenix Suns (14) 21. Oklahoma City Thunder (11)

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If you’re counting at home, that’s six East teams in a row at the bottom. The East isn’t just bad. It’s mostly unwatchable.

And that’s why it’s time to petition the NBA to move the Spurs to the Eastern Conference. They’re going to waste a playoff spot from a team we want to watch anyway, so why not just give them an East spot and throw their games on at 4pm Pacific so none of us have to watch?

Endless long twos from DDR and LMA are just too much. I’m done. I’m done with the Spurs. Pringles was wrong. Once you Pop, the fun does stop.

SL

Ugh. It pains me to see San Antonio this low, but even Dejounte Murray can’t make me tune in to much more. I think Pop is bored and just hates what the game has become. He takes weird satisfaction in ruining someone’s playoff chances for the love of the game. At least the Spurs aesthetic is still a classic.

I really want the Thunder to be higher on this list. They have low key good uniforms and Shai is going to be a delight. I just don’t know if Billy Donovan knows how basketball works. At least there’s a high chance my son Steven Adams will finally be unshackled in a Chris Paul pick-and-roll. Speaking of Paul, I think he gets a bum rap because he’s such an herb as a person, because he’s definitely a top-3 point guard of all time.

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Oh, are we doing this? Yeah, we’re doing this. The 3 in CP3 stands for top-3 all-time point guard. It’s not even a conversation. Don’t make me break out my advanced stats. I still say CP3 wins a title someday, and I picked him on my preseason All-NBA team, too. If the Thunder try all year, they’ll rank 7 to 10 slots higher on this list.

You know who else might end up higher? The Fightin’ Markelle Fultzes. Is this Fultz thing for real? If we could somehow get Vooch out of here and release Point Fultz with small-ball Jonny Isaac at center and Aaron Gordon smashing at the four, the Magic will become the East’s nerd central team.

SL

Free Mo Bamba. Do it.

Where do we stand on the Bulls? They added some good vets. Their court and jersey are iconic and forever. But… do you want to watch Zach LaVine chuck all season? I really don’t.

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I don’t, but I can get excited about Coby White pushing the pace, Lauri Markkanen doing baby Dirk stuff, and Wendell Carter Jr. organizing everything on defense. I’m not positive the Bulls will be good this season, but I’m pretty sure they’re finally fun again.

Speaking of Zach, where are you at on Gucci LaVine in Phoenix? Cuz we both know I ain’t got nothing good to say about that team.

SL

I don’t know what it is, but the Suns have consistently conditioned me to trust them to be incompetent.

I love their jerseys, I really like their court, but I just don’t know what they bring from a basketball perspective. I get Devin Booker’s appeal, but it doesn’t do much for me personally. Though Ricky Rubio may get me to tune in for more games than I anticipated. He simply brings too much joy as he plays.

TIER VI — GOOD BASKETBALL ISN’T NECESSARILY FUN

20. Indiana Pacers (17) 19. Miami Heat (26) 18. Brooklyn Nets (22) 17. Boston Celtics (8) 16. Houston Rockets (16)

SL

Having Jimmy Butler on your roster gives me a lot more reason to watch, mostly to see who he’s going to yell at next. The Heat are in a weird place where I can almost see them being good, and the coaching is good enough, but I need someone to talk me into them.

Justise Winslow may be doing just that, which would be a very cruel joke by the universe given the number of times I tried to dunk on him.

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I realize we’re still in the bottom half here, but these teams are fun! The East still makes up 11 of the bottom 14 teams in the League Pass rankings, but finally we got to some good basketball worth watching.

That said, Butler actually makes the Heat less watchable for me, but maybe that’s because he’s ruined three straight otherwise fun teams, two of which happen to be my favorites. Jimmy Butler is basically an STD getting slowly passed around the league, so I guess it only makes sense he’d end up in Miami at some point.

SL

I think we can both agree the Nets would rank significantly higher if Durant were playing. They’re going to struggle early, going from an egalitarian system to Kyrie trying to do the slip-n-slide on the final possession down one.

I’d actually pay more money to League Pass to see what it’s like to be in the locker room with Kyrie and KD, and I think it’d be the world’s most insufferable dynamic.

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I’m tempted to do my best Kyrie impression and just ignore that pass, dribble out the clock, and jack up a contested shot I somehow make anyway. Irving may not always be good team basketball, but he’s always interesting. Plus you get Ian Eagle on the call and I kinda dig the new gray court.

I also find it hilarious that Kyrie’s Nets ended up exactly one spot behind the Boston Celtics in our rankings. Your thoughts?

SL

Brandon, you know I don’t watch the Celtics on principle. I’d be curious to tune in to see how much Kobe continues to ruin Jayson Tatum. It’s truly riveting. Tell me when everyone stops pretending Jaylen Brown is a competent basketball player. I can’t believe how much he’s making.

I’m at least mildly curious about the Rockets. I will admit, I’m not prepared to read 55 tweets every night about needing two basketballs, but it might work? Say what you will about Harden, but he will have amazing nights where you just can’t look away.

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I wasn’t really sure how to rank Houston. On the one hand, they’re top-5 among teams I definitely need to watch a few times, just to see how this whole Russ-Beard thing works. On the other hand, I’m almost certain I’m going to spend the rest of the season hate watching the two of them. At least we won’t have to pay attention long in the playoffs.

Let the record show you brought our Celtics grade down a lot. I still enjoy that team, especially when we get to see rookies Grant Williams, Carsen Edwards, and Tacko Fall off the bench. And besides, Kemba Walker deserves this. Real teammates at last.

You know the NBA is good this season because we haven’t even made it to the top half of the league. And you know what? Let’s cut this right here and let the readers come back next week for Part II… ■

serge is a writer & designer from the home of NBA Champions Toronto Raptors. He writes about sports & culture. Sign up for his illustrated basketball newsletter: Basketball, You Thought! here. Follow Serge on Twitter here.

Follow Brandon on Medium or @wheatonbrando for more sports, television, humor, and culture. Visit the rest of Brandon’s writing archives here.