20 Brutal Lessons Everyone Should Learn In Their 20s

Life is a strange journey.

Sometimes it is incredibly beautiful, other times it is merciless and brutal. One day you meet the love of your life, and another day you might get diagnosed with cancer. Up and down, fortune and misfortune.

Over the last few years, I had my fair share of those ups and downs.

During this time I learned the following lessons.

I wish I had known them earlier.

1. Life Will Punch You In The Face

You will get hurt. Your heart will break.

There is no way around it. Your parents will die, family members will get sick, you will get sick, and you might lose your job.

When we accept that pain is a part of life and that bad things will happen, it is way easier to deal with them. Don’t hope for a life without problems. Instead, hope you will be strong enough to deal with them.

Because problems and bad things are unavoidable.

2. Talent Is Overrated

“You’re so smart”

Children are often praised for their talent, which leads to the feeling that talent is what counts.

But this is not true. In fact, talent is severely overrated. A growth mindset and grit, on the other hand, are underrated. Don’t rely on your talent, work hard.

Because hard work beats talent every time.

3. Your Purpose Isn’t Found. It’s Created.

“Find your purpose” is bullshit advice.

At least for most people. Some may wake up one day and know exactly what they should do with their lives.

Everyone else has to create their own purpose.

Most of us have to try a number of things, fail, work hard to acquire skills, define our values and stick to them in order to eventually find something that is meaningful to us.

This thing can be called purpose.

4. Money Does Buy Happiness

You read that right.

Or let’s say, it can buy happiness if you spend it on the right things.

That’s what a study found.

“Money doesn’t make you happy” is a phrase I’ve heard over and over again. Ironically, only from those who don’t have much money anyway. So how would they know? Is this just a coping mechanism?

The study says yes. It showed that as income increases, both positive feelings increase and negative feelings decrease.

It makes sense, after all, money can buy back your time and freedom. Why shouldn’t that make you happy?

5. Not Everyone Wants The Best For You

In fact, few people do. And realizing hurts.

Most people only want to see you win until you are more successful than they are. Your success might make them feel insecure and shitty about their own lives. This is also part of human nature.

When you become successful, you will have to deal with a lot of envy. Friends become acquaintances. Acquaintances become nothing.

Other people will want to be friends with you just because of your success. That’s probably the price you have to pay. But there is a bright spot: the real friends stay.

It is the same when you are the opposite of successful. Once you hit rock bottom, you’ll know who is actually a friend.

Having some real friends in your life is crucial, which is why I encourage you to find out who the real ones are and to keep them close.

6. Everything In Your Life Is Your Responsibility

Do not confuse fault with responsibility.

Once something affects your life, it is your responsibility to handle it as carefully as possible. Even if it is not your fault.

Here’s an example by Mark Manson: If someone leaves a newborn baby on your doorstep, it’s probably not your fault. However, it is your damn responsibility to take care of the baby.

The good thing is that no matter what happens, you can choose how you react.n You have the ability to respond.

Responsibility. Response-ability.

7. You Can’t Control What Happens To You. Only How You React To It.

Life is unpredictable and we cannot control what happens. But we can influence how we react. So why not focus on that?

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own…” — Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4–5

8. It’s You vs. You

Comparing yourself to others is bullshit.

You can’t influence what others do and achieve anyway.

The only person you should measure yourself against is yourself.

9. Life Is Unfair. It’s The Nature Of It.

Darwin was right. The fittest survive.

In some sense, we as humans have to play by the same rules of nature as animals living in the wild. You might know it from animal documentaries. In these movies, we see nature in its purest form. And nature can be cruel. Have you ever seen a video where a tiger relentlessly hunts down a deer and rips it apart?

It may seem brutal and unfair to us. But that is nature.

Nature is where the fittest survive and the less fit gets eaten. Natural selection as Darwin called it doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings.

Fortunately, we as humans have the ability to care about morals and fairness. We have social welfare systems to support those who need it the most. Fortunately, we do not have to kill others to survive, as is the case in the animal kingdom.

However, in some aspects of our lives, we experience the mercilessly unfair nature of life.

• Tall men make more money, are more attractive and are happier.
• Attractive people are further attributed positive characteristics due to the halo effect, which brings them enormous advantages.
• Dating can be harsh for a man. Statistics from Tinder prove that almost all women only want the most attractive guys. Hypergamy really seems to be a thing. However, this is nothing we should blame women for, but merely a preference shaped by relentless mother nature.

In this context, by the way, the term mother nature is very adequate. Just as nature selects, women tend to select men.

However, we cannot change these things.

To me, a stoic approach seems best. Accept it and make the best of it.

10. Problems Never Stop

No matter what we achieve and how hard we try, we will always have problems.

Stop hoping for a problem-free life. Won’t happen anyway.

Rather hope and work for a life with better problems.

11. Instagram Isn’t Reality

Don’t believe everything you see on Instagram.

Because if you do, it’s a recipe for mental health problems.

99% of users only show the highlights of their life, present themselves in the best light or even edit their pictures.

That makes it easy to feel bad about yourself when compared to them.

12. You Are Not Nearly As Rational As You Think

Our thinking is flawed by nature.

Study cognitive biases.

It’s crazy how much we let ourselves be influenced subconsciously. If you become aware of these phenomena, you might be able to make a little better decisions.

13. ...And Then I’ll Be Happy Won’t Work

You have to enjoy the journey.

Far too many of us chase after a goal with the hope of being happy when we reach it. But most of the time, that doesn’t work out.

The Youtuber Prince Ea sums it up in his magnificent Youtube video by saying:

Jea would always say “When I finish school, then I’ll be happy.” Well, Jae finished school, but he wasn’t happy…

So then Jae said when I get a job then I’ll be happy. Jae got a job but he still wasn’t happy.

So Jae said when I get married, settle down, and have children, then I’ll be happy. Well, he got married, settled down, had two kids but still wasn’t happy.

So then Jae said, okay, when the kids leave home and I’ll retire, then I’ll be happy. Well, the kids left home and he retired, but he still wasn’t happy.

So Jae started going to church and I asked Jae why he was going to church so much. And he said: “Because when I die, then I’ll be happy.”

…

JAE’s initials stand for “Just about everyone”

14. Your Partner Isn’t Yours.

It is just your turn.

No matter how perfect a relationship may be, it might end. In fact, most relationships end at some point.

You have no right to be in a certain relationship. Your partner may change their mind and leave you for someone else. Maybe you will be lucky and you will be happy together. But maybe not.

Of course, you can try hard to be the best version of yourself and the best possible partner, but you never have certainty. That’s why you should never become too dependent on one person.

Of course, a breakup will hurt but remember: you can live without the person.

15. You Should Not Take Advice From People You Wouldn’t Change Places With.

Most advice sucks.

Imagine you want to lose weight and build muscle. One of your friends is fat, another is well-trained. Which one do you ask for advice?

I think the answer is obvious. However, many of us do the exact opposite when it comes to our life choices. I am guilty of this too.

I listened a lot to the advice of my parents and my teachers, even though my goals did not really line up with what they have achieved and how they live their lives. It would certainly have been better to listen to the advice of people I would change places with.

Fortunately, this is easier than ever these days. Books, Youtube, and Online Courses allow us to learn pretty much everything from successful people who might have already achieved what we are looking to achieve.

Let’s stop asking the fat guy for fitness advice.

16. Every Minute Wasted Is Gone. Forever.

Another piece of gold from the Stoics:

People are frugal in guarding their personal property; but as soon as it comes to squandering time they are most wasteful of the one thing in which it is right to be stingy. — Seneca

Every dollar you spent you can earn again. Time, however, is gone forever. Our clock ticks by the second.

When you realize this, you will reconsider whether you really want to spend so much time on meaningless things.

17. Most People Live Other People’s Lives

Our parents, teachers, and society give us a certain “script” for our lives.

If we follow this script blindly without considering our own goals and dreams, we will eventually regret it.

18. Big Companies Profit By Making You Sick

Coca-Cola’s biggest competitor is water.

Netflix’s biggest competitor is sleep.

McDonald’s biggest competitor is healthy food.

Pharma’s biggest competitor is healthy people.

19. Trying To Impress Others Won’t Make You Happy

Tyler Durden knows.

“We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.”

Unfortunately, that doesn’t make others respect or like us more. Nor does it make us happy.

It only makes us broke.

20. You Will Always Want More

No matter how well you’re doing, you will want to do better.

If you make $2000 a month you would like to make $3000. If you earn $5000 you would like to make $7000. If you earn $15k you would like to make $20k.

The hedonic treadmill never stops for most people.

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