16 Sex Questions You Should Ask Your Partner If You Want Hotter Sex

Let's start with the biggest sex organ — the brain.

I grew up in a strict Catholic household where sex was like peeing in the ocean. Done but never discussed.

The first time I had sex, I thought I was going straight to the bowels of hell. (I think the nuns even used the word "smite" when discussing sex before marriage). Now, as a proud sinner, I have become both realistic about sex (STDs, pregnancy, catching the feels) and positive (it's loads of fun).

But I also have made enough relationship mistakes to know the worst thing you can do is not talk about sex. That silence will not only harm your sexuality but will also slam the breaks on intimacy.

Discussing sex should be as pleasurable as the act itself. So why not make talking about sex a game?

Here are the rules. Oh, wait, there are none because you make them. That's the fun part. Now, grab your favorite person (or two) to get naked with, and let's play the sex question game…

16 Sex Questions To Ask Your Partner

First off, the best time to play the sex question game is when you have your partner's undivided attention. So wait for a quiet time alone together before you get naked (metaphorically and literally).

I recommend starting with the lighter questions and working your way up to heavier ones. And if you are in a new relationship, you might want to save those childhood trauma questions and kinkier confessions for a later date.

1. What do you wish I would do more of?

In every relationship, there's always room for even hotter sex. The problem with wanting to improve your sex life is you must tread carefully with negative questions such as — "What am I not doing or what am I doing wrong?" That sounds critical. So not fun.

Instead, frame the question with a "more" instead of a "not" to keep the discussion positive. Maybe you give great oral, but your partner wishes it was more frequent. Or perhaps you have a favorite position that isn't making it into the rotation enough.

2. What are you most grateful for in our sex life?

We all know that gratitude is the key to any successful relationship, but sometimes we expect sex and then take our partner for granted.

3. How did your parents shape your sexuality?

Everyone's childhood shapes their sexuality in some way. And although Freud's Oedipus Complex was a bit hyperbolic, there is some truth to it — our parents gave us the blueprint to great sex. It's why we are attracted to familiar people more than someone hot, intelligent, funny, yet unfamiliar.

But when reading your partner’s sexual operating manual, you first have to check to see if you have all the parts. Did your partner have a strict or religious upbringing? Then they may have stifled their sexuality. Was there neglect or abuse? Then they might be a slow burn with a more anxious attachment style.

This can be a more challenging question, so save this question for a committed relationship.

4. Name your biggest turn-off and your biggest turn-on.

This question doesn't necessarily have to include a sexual act. It could be loud chewing or people not returning their grocery cart. So many people forget that sex begins the moment your partner walks through the door.

Part two of this question is to ask your partner how they turn themself on. What you do to relax your partner and what your partner does is not always the same.

5. What is your earliest sexual memory, and how do you think it shaped your sexuality?

That very first sexual experience can color your future desires. If you answer this question, focus on your senses — sight, smell, taste, feel, touch, and intuition.

And unless you have an ethically nonmonogamous relationship, refrain from talking about specific people from your past. That can unnerve even the most confident lover.

6. What is your secret erogenous zone that isn't your genitals?

Everyone has weird sexual quirks. Maybe she gets aroused by you kissing her neck, or he gets turned on by you rubbing his ear lobes.

Either way, you should probably ask this question earlier in the relationship because it will be harder for your partner to confess it later. Many of us get embarrassed by our idiosyncrasies.

7. What part of your body do you most love? What part of your body do you feel insecure about?

Unless you are a raging narcissist or a supermodel, most people have parts of their body they love and parts they wish were a little firmer. We most desire the people who make us feel desired despite our flaws.

This might be the time to review how to give a great compliment.

8. How are you afraid of letting me down sexually?

This question will require the old vulnerability to spill out, so only fire off this one in more committed relationships.

9. What gets you most in the mood for sex?

I really hate the word foreplay. I use it too because we don't have a better word for the gas pedal. But the problem with referring to everything that is not penetrative sex (penis in vagina or PIV) as "foreplay" is that it makes it seem like anything that is not PIV is just the side dish or appetizer. But for many, what falls under the umbrella of foreplay (oral stimulation, petting, massaging, etc.) is the main dish.

Our society continues to equate signs of bodily arousal (getting wetter or harder) with brain arousal. They are not always the same. This is called arousal non-concordance. Great lovers understand that the brain needs to be in the game before the body.

10. What fantasy do you love to dream about but would not necessarily do?

I like what-if questions because they are extra naughty. And you never know…your crazy fantasy might be something your partner is willing to try. But you still have an escape clause by putting it in the “just fun to fantasize about” box.

This question is also a good opener to talk about porn. Many people find porn harmful because it feeds into unattainable fantasies. But really, it depends on whether you maintain a healthy relationship with your fantasies.

Overall, it’s better to have the porn talk with your lover now than to feel intimidated by their fantasies later. Remember that fantasies are often just a way to act out our desires in a safe space.

Joe Duncan recently did a piece on maintaining the porn/fantasy balance that I recommend reading.

11. What sexual act have you not done, but you want to try?

This is a variation of the above question, but this question addresses fantasies you want to happen and not ones that are just fun to imagine.

Remember that this is a very intimate question, so please…no judgment. Nothing kills trust in a relationship more than feeling judged for your desires.

12. My sex life got better after _______ happened.

Everyone has their sexual awakening moment. Many women don't even experience their first orgasm until later in life. If your partner is a woman, you can even ask about the first time they had an orgasm. That story can be very eye-opening.

If you answer this question in a monogamous relationship, steer clear of talking about ex-lovers and discuss more of the experience. Make sure to keep the focus on you and not what your ex-lover did. Again, unless you are polyamorous and extremely confident, talking about old lovers can kill the mood quicker than a cold shower.

13. What most surprised you about me sexually?

This is one of my favorite questions to ask in a new relationship because I think everyone has that moment when sex suddenly got amazing with their partner. Reminiscing about those steamy moments builds intimacy. And it says — I like where we are going and want more.

14. What are you most inhibited about?

This is a boundaries question. It's not only your partner's answer that matters but also how they answer it. So pay attention to body language. Maybe they are scared of anal sex but still curious. Inhibitions are not necessarily limiting. They are a chance to release your fears and discuss overcoming them.

Some people get off on surrendering, while others are more aroused by seducing. It's why many people love anal sex. It is the ultimate surrender.

15. If you could go back in time, would you change anything about our first sexual experiences together?

This is another reminiscing question, but it also can address funny mishaps or miscommunications. (Yes, you should be able to laugh at your sexual mistakes.)

If your partner answers this question with a positive response (i.e., I would have tried that crazy "Magic Mountain" position sooner), then that is a sign you are on the same page. If they answer it critically, try to steer the conversation back to their wish list.

16. How have you changed sexually since we first met?

Our partner changes us in small and big ways. And sometimes even a short relationship can change our sexuality more than a long-term relationship. Your sexual energy should never be stagnant. It will ebb and flow. Bloom and lie dormant. But it will continually be growing.

So many couples fear stagnancy in their sex life, but this only becomes a monster under the bed if you don't address it. For example, maybe you have younger children or a big work project, so your sex life has slowed down. It's not a problem if you understand that it is a temporary state and then take the steps to fix it. (A sex game can help.)

Humans are built for novelty. It is why the best lovers are curious lovers. So always stay curious. Now go have some hot, wild (safe) sex, you crazy Medium kids.

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