When You Are Wet But Not Aroused
Arousal non-concordance can lead to confusion in the bedroom
It’s been said many times — great sex requires great communication. And when it comes to bedroom speak, nonverbal cues are an integral part of that communication. Those moans, sighs, twitches, and shudders communicate desire.
But there is one bodily response that might lead men down the primrose path when her desire hasn’t left the barn — wetness.
This became a frequent problem with my ex-boyfriend. He interpreted my wetness as a sign of arousal, and I never corrected him. I wish I had. It would have saved me months of unsatisfying sex without much foreplay. So because I believe in karma, I am finally gathering the courage to help couples who might have this common misconception.
Wetness is not a sign of arousal. It can be. But not always.
Wetness without arousal is an example of arousal non-concordance. Arousal non-concordance occurs when physical arousal (genital response) does not match with subjective arousal (mental engagement in sex.)
Sometimes arousal non-concordance happens when a woman is aroused, but her body is not physically responding (i.e., She is not wet, but she is excited.)
Sometimes it can happen when her body is showing all the outward signs of arousal, but she doesn’t feel turned on. (ie. She is wet, but is not feeling aroused.)
In both cases, our bodies and our minds are not on the same page. And it can be really frustrating for both men and women. According to Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are: The Surprising Science that will Transform Your Sex Life, arousal non-concordance occurs in 50% of women and 10% of men.
But if you understand why this annoying glitch in our sexual response happens, you can better understand your partner’s needs.
Women are primed for responsive sexual desire.
Humans would never get much done if we walked around with a non-stop erection or swollen clitoris. This is why most arousal begins with responsive sexual desire.
Responsive sexual desire is arousal in response to stimulation. That stimulation could be poetry, porn, our partner’s touch, or feeling safe and protected. Something sexy happens, and our body responds.
We can also experience spontaneous arousal — arousal that occurs without a stimulus. That’s when you get turned on without an apparent reason. 75% of men but only 15% of women experience spontaneous desire. Women often feel broken or damaged if they need something to hit the gas pedal, but it is perfectly normal to need that push.
It can be caused by trust issues.
I had only experienced arousal non-concordance with my last relationship. And there might be a reason or that — I didn’t trust him. (And my intuition was right.) All sex begins in the brain. But if you are in a continual fight-or-flight response, you will not be able to relax your mind enough to get aroused.
And sometimes your body can respond while your brain is slamming on the breaks. Sadly, arousal non-concordance can happen during rape for this very reason. Some women even experience orgasm during rape. So I can’t stress this enough:
Physical signs of arousal do not equal consent.
Consent is granted verbally. If she is saying no, she means no, even if nonverbal cues indicate otherwise. And men who misinterpret arousal non-concordance as a sign to push forward add to those trust issues.
And although rarer, sometimes a woman jumps on top of a man’s erection when he has no desire to have sex. It happens to both genders and can lead to hurt, confusion, and mistrust.
It can be caused by insecurity.
Sometimes the inability to relax is no fault of the other person. It can stem from simply not being comfortable with your body or the anxiety of being with a new sexual partner.
The solution is obvious but not simple. Couples need to work on communication outside the bedroom before getting naked. This is one reason why I believe waiting to have sex always leads to more connected sex.
When you know your partner is committed to you, there’s less chance of fear taking the lead.
Desire is not linear.
In 1966, Masters & Johnson defined the human sexual response cycle — excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. This linear description of sex has been the standard approach since the 1960s despite sex researchers attempting to revise it.
The biggest problem with this cookie-cutter approach to sex is that it fits much better into a male sexual response cycle than a woman’s. Most women do not experience desire in this order, and some stages may be absent.
In 2002, Rosemary Basson came up with a more adaptable sexual response cycle that is more…well, cyclical. In Bason’s model, desire can be responsive or spontaneous, and it may come before or after arousal. You can even jump to different points in the cycle and then back again.
Most importantly, orgasm and resolution do not end sex.
Every woman has had that lover who sprinkles foreplay (excitement stage) in the beginning, middle, and yes…end of sex. There’s a reason women keep those men around. Sex with them is fluid and mutable. It’s much easier to have connected sex when you are offered many connections.
Sexual signals are confusing enough without muddying the waters with arousal non-concordance. But women are not the only ones whose bodies say one thing while their head says another. Many men want to have sex even when their erection is missing. At these moments, we should remember that our bodily responses to sex are not the only language used to communicate love and desire.
