14,004 Reasons You Should Be Grateful Snails Aren’t Allowed on Medium 🐌

Yes, yes. There are probably thousands of articles about snails here on Medium. Snails aren’t banned in that sense.

But as far as I know, not a single snail has ever applied to become a writer on Medium and been accepted.

And if you’re a writer around here, you should be thankful for that, because:

if a garden snail could write here, you’d be toast.

Here are 14,0004 reasons why.

Reason #1: Snails bring dead stuff to life

Snails consume dead plant material and other organic matter. They break it down and turn it into … snail. But that also eventually turns into rich organic soil.

Your job as a writer is to take “dead” facts, ideas, experiences — things that are destined to be forgotten — and turn them into something living.

If a snail applied its life-giving skills to a literary end, it would be one of Medium’s most fertile writers.

Reason #2: Snails live for years

The details are a little sketchy here, because no one has kept track of how many snails have ordered birthday cakes, but snails live for 2 to 5 years. That’s an awful lot of time they could be contributing on the platform where everyone says “consistency is key.”

Reason #3: Snails keep their shells

Snails don’t shed their skin (or — in this case, their shell) when they grow up. The shell grows along with them.

When you change your writing topics or pivot from some other social media, yes you need to adapt, but you don’t have to redefine yourself completely. Your experiences, your skills, even your failures and weaknesses, can all be part of your identity as a writer.

Reason #4: Snails keep producing

Even an ordinary garden snail can have up to 430 hatchlings each year.

If every hatchling was a story, you’d be hard pressed to keep up with the competition.

Learn from the humble garden snail: slow and slimy wins the race. (Just don’t do the slimy part).

The other 14,000 reasons

Here’s what makes the snails so formidable. It’s their teeth.

You didn’t know snails had teeth? Yes, indeedy. 14,000 of them (at least!)

And spare a thought for the museum intern who had to get some long-suffering snail to say “ah!” and then count and count and count.

What’s the big deal with 14,000 teeth? Actually, the big deals (plural).

Snail teeth are the strongest natural material we know of.

If you were to witness a battle between a piece of titanium and a snail tooth, put all your money on the tooth.

And the teeth actually sit on a toothy tongue. I fear I should have put a trigger warning on this story, and especially this next paragraph:

A snail will use its toothy tongue ­– called the radula — almost like a file, scraping off the softer parts of their food when eating. Their teeth normally get worn down by this action, so they’re replaced regularly. (Source)

Now, there’s a metaphor for writing just jumping out of the page. I’ll leave you to figure it out.

So, teeth that are tougher than steel and titanium, and that get replaced regularly (another tip of the hat to that long-suffering museum intern).

If you had story-writing snails as competition here on Medium, your writing career would be over.

But fear not, my friend.

For not only are snails banned from writing on Medium [citation needed]. They are also subject to other predators, such as the Australian Blue Tongue Lizard.

And if learning about critters has inspired you to keep writing on Medium, you might like to read this story here:

Snails and spiders just not your thing? Prefer to read about more friendly backyard characters? Your wish is my command. Here’s a short story about a butterfly: