GARDENING TIPS
12 Problems to Ponder Before You Compost Your Family
Uncle Jedd gardens from the dead
“Terramation (natural organic reduction)… gently transforms human remains into soil, ensuring that our last act on earth is to enrich and improve it.”
If you have ever done any gardening of your own, you know that even with gloves, knee guards, and a full jumpsuit, the soil gets under your nails, wiped on your face, and ground into your clothing and knees. On a full day of planting thirty flats of annuals, it might even end in all your cracks.
This presents several ethical questions if what you are gardening happens to be your family.
Consider these conundrums before making the decision to have your family composted.
Cleansing choice
When coming in from gardening, is it best to shower Great Aunt Beth off or have her stay with you in your butt crack? Would she prefer bergamot soap as she is washed into the sewer or refreshing cucumber?
Cleansing location
Is it best to use the garden hose to wash your nephew off your pants? He did have that dark history with garden hoses.
Mind your hands
What remains will remain under your nails well after you hose down until… you inadvertently pick a popcorn kernel out of the back molar and remember, maybe not as fondly as you want to, that that iron taste you can’t quite place is Nana.
Sure, she was a hygienist, but is this how Nana would want to be remembered? Will the popcorn butter irritate her lactose intolerance?
Final resting location
Cousin Richard was a redhead, does he have to be in the shade garden?
Moving
When you sell the house, do you dig up the whole garden and take it with you or will just a small jar of your sister do? What if she doesn’t like the new deads she has to lay with? Is consent going to be a problem with the house sale?
Allergies
Do you feel like you are mocking your Aunt Myrtle if you plant her under a majestic oak with full knowledge it made her break out into hives before she became dirt?
Family jokes
How long will it take your brother to call Uncle Winston a dirtbag with no sense of irony?
Divorce dilemma
Can you use Mom and Dad in the same garden even though they hadn’t been married for 35 years or do you have to separate them like at Thanksgiving?
Shit selection
Do sheep or cow manure convey more respect since they will be sharing a resting place with your mother-in-law? Does dumping shit on your mother-in-law make you horny and how would you explain that to your partner?
Romance
How does one feel about eating a potato that has been grown in the compost of your deceased husband? Since you’re technically sharing a meal, should you light a candle to celebrate?
Pet interference
How do you keep the dog from pissing on Rebecca Junior? And how do you justify burying the pet hamster in dirt that used to be a family member with opposable thumbs?
Walking dead
Can we talk zombie apocalypse? Planting my dead loved ones and feeding and watering them like I do my zucchini seems like it’s tempting fate.
Eyes
Uncle Jedd — who you previously call Uncle Sleep Drink and you had to run from every time he had a glass of wine in his hand — would always be watching.
Always.
Can you enjoy your garden knowing that?
Stop digging
If you are still interested in composting Grandpa George, I urge you to move to a condo and have a re-think. Tempting as a garden might seem, there are just too many problems to be solved before a truck backs up to your driveway with a beep beep and drops a filthy deposit of family on your property.
Burrier beware.
Stick with the fire.
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Thanks to Grandma for allowing Smillew time to be my editor when he was supposed to be giving you a foot massage.