SO YOU KNOW

Diary of a Liberal

It’s going to be a five-cry day

Dear MAGA member,

Thank you for your inquiry on, “What the fuck do you Libtards do all day?”

I’m happy to provide a minute-by-minute account of yesterday to use in your article entitled, “Fucking Libtards.” Please send me a copy when it is complete.

PS: Did you know the term Libtard is offensive to people with developmental challenges and not Liberals? Thought this would be useful information for your article.

Toodles for now,

Kristine ❤

6:15 AM: Wake up beside my same-sex partner and turn on CNN. The world is round. Check.

6:30 AM: Turn to FOX and both laugh at the idiots still waiting for JFK to come back.

6:45 AM: Brew a bullet coffee using only organic vegan butter.

6:55 AM: Take a Covid test. No symptoms, but I have to ensure the safety of others.

7:00 AM: Decide between my RBG shirt, my LBGTQ+ onesie, and my BLM hoodie. Go with RBG.

7:12 AM: Check my sense of entitlement in the mirror. Still intact. Covid test clean! I’m ready for a productive day.

7:30 AM: Arrive via electric bike at the Veterinarian’s office for my receptionist job.

7:32 AM: Log onto Twitter and make sure He Who Must Not Be Named is still banned. See what people are saying on #DoctorFauci. Nice.

7:39 AM: Check email to see what the government wants me to do today.

Tell ten people that Covid is real. Shame six people on social media for not wearing masks. Book your fiftieth booster shot. Call at least three people Karen. Complain about Roe v. Wade to the barista, your boss, the Uber driver, and your mother.

8:42 AM: Discuss Roe v. Wade at the staff meeting.

9:47 AM: Cry.

10:20 AM: Coffee break. Complete barista enlightenment, Karen-shaming, booking my booster, and mask complaining. Add bleeding heart volunteer activities to the list since I’m being so productive.

11:35 AM: Head to the mandatory gun control rally over lunch.

11:36 AM: Scan Gates microchip as proof of vaccination to enter.

11:40 AM: Buy a t-shirt that says, Protect Kids, Not Guns.

11:42 AM: Cry.

12:41 AM: Drop additional tax money in the jar at the exit door.

1:01 PM: Laugh at work with fellow Liberals about the comments on our Facebook and Twitter posts. Shame the commenters for not wearing masks in their pictures and remind them Black Lives Matter and Covid is real.

1:12 PM: Karen-shame a customer who refuses to comply with our no-mask, no-dog policy but is super-screamy about it. Remind myself to check if the cameras in reception are working again. This video would go viral fo-sho.

1:25 PM: Complain to my co-worker, Steve, that I don’t get paid as much as he does.

1:29 PM: Cry.

2:47 PM: Try to explain to a customer why I wanted the dog’s preferred pronouns added to her/his/their file. I mentioned, gently, that we want to foster inclusion with our patients and don’t want to assume gender conformity based on genitals.

2:56 PM: Tell her/him/they, gently, that the clinic doesn’t accept cash. Explain how, yes, I do trust the banks and the credit card companies but I don’t trust counterfeiters.

4:54–7:00 PM: Join the planned parenting secret liberal cabal meeting at Chad’s house. Knit two pussy hats and feel productive.

7:05–7:32 PM: Cry.

7:34 PM: Finally check Uber driver education off my list on my way to Whole Foods.

7:53 PM: Pick up vegan, gluten-free, non-GMO, fairtrade quinoa and black-bean burger with sprouted greens.

8:16 PM: Call mother to discuss Roe v. Wade over dinner.

8:23 PM: Listen to her cry.

8:27 PM: Watch CNN with my partner until our eyes bleed blue.

9:47 PM: Final cry of the day.

10:10 PM: Put on my standard-issue organic cotton Obamacare onesie and kiss my Biden statue goodnight.

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