Don’t Quit Before the Miracle!!
100s of Stories about Spiritual Awakening — No One Seems to Discuss The Difficult and Crucial Integration and Alignment Processes
Becoming whole again, integrating my mind, body, and soul, was an intellectual challenge. Once whole, alignment is a life-long project measured in the ebbs and flows of spiritual progress.
(Subscribers, please note that but for minor edits I made today, I wrote this in December 2020)
Introduction
Enter “Spiritual Awakening” in Medium’s search box and you will get scores of hits and the articles will have many commonalities as to what the writers perceive awakening to mean. None of their perceptions are incorrect. Many discuss shifts in emotions, senses, and sensitivities; some discuss weird phenomena like light bulbs flickering when one is present; others describe the desire to search for spiritual meaning or starting to perceive synchronicities (coincidences and other signs from the universe), and connections between themselves and the rest of the world. See. e.g., Brianna Wiest’s The 3 Realizations that Happen During A Spiritual Awakening, “Something needs to change, and I must be the one to change it.”; Cassy Marie’s 20 Signs You’re Experiencing A Spiritual Awakening; and Patrick Paul Garlinger’s 7 Signs You Are Awakening Spiritually, When these happen, you are opening to a deeper undercurrent to life.
Garlinger writes:
Spiritual awakenings come in many forms. Some are subtle, like the gentle rising as the light grows in intensity outside, chasing away the darkness. Others are dramatic, like a thunderclap, jolting you out of a deep slumber. (I’ve experienced both.)
These are the ways that your soul is trying to pry open your mind so that you can shed certain ways of seeing the world and expand your consciousness. The universe conspires to bring you experiences so that you start to see reality differently. It’s also important to remember that awakenings are not singular events; they can unfold over time, and new ones can emerge even after you already believe you are “awake.”
My awakening occurred differently than all of these. I have not yet read a story such as mine, though I suspect if and when Jennifer B. Calder reads this, she may shoot me a note identifying, as I did to her after reading He Thought We’d Be ‘Better Off’.
My awakening was dramatic, but “a thunderclap, jolting [me]out of a deep slumber” would be a walk in the park compared to my catalyst.
I do not equate nor even conflate the terms spiritual journey and spiritual awakening as many others seem to do. My awakening occurred in less than a second on March 19th, 2020. My journey started in 2012 during my first serious attempt at sobriety and continues accelerating even today (entities just started playing with the back of my neck when I inserted the words “and continues accelerating even today”). Journies of life, spiritual or otherwise, continue until we are called home to have our lives pass before our eyes and self-assess down to the smallest detail through our own eyes as well as those impacted by our actions and omissions. The assessment does not turn on right vs. wrong, virtue vs. sin, or would’ve, could’ve, or should’ve.
Our souls are peppered with questions about why did our animus choose that course or speak those words and what did our souls learn from the experience.
We are not judged on behavior — the realm where we will reside in heaven, and the work we will do as souls from behind the veil to help those still incarnated until our next incarnation only depends on the extent to which we gained insight into human nature. We all return to heaven after each and every lifetime.
Even Hitler’s soul returned to heaven. I know that many will refuse to believe that — it took me quite some time to realize that punishment never figures into the equation, and hold onto your hats, Hitler may have been acting in accordance with his soul’s purpose.
In my https://readmedium.com/lets-talk-about-villains-and-victims-c7795f2fa91e, I cite an essay by DL Nemeril (citation below), in which she and I engaged in discussion and she said: “Someone once asked me in channel if Hitler would be punished in the next life. They said no. It took a great soul to pull people in that way and the task was to reveal the shadow of the world and work to heal it genre”
Besides, hell does not exist, though for some, and often planned by the soul pre-incarnation, a hell on Earth is experienced. See DL Nemeril’s Your Soul Knows Why You’re Here, Do you want to know too?
Awakening is a step along the way for those blessed with and burdened by concomitant knowledge and awareness.
Integration begins at awakening when the road becomes paradoxically possibly-impossibly many-paths-forked. But no matter which tine(s) is(are) chosen, the paths can converge if you accept All that there is to see.
My journey has covered Hollywood heights and Death Valley depths — the Andes are in my sights.
The First Leg — July 2012 to February 2015
At various times in this lifetime, I have been on a spiritual journey. In 2012, I had the opportunity to sit with a member of a healthcare provider’s spiritual staff, who is non-denominational, non-traditional, and whom I dubbed “Mystical Meredith.” I explained to Meredith that I had bounced around between agnosticism and the belief that God was akin to the Force from Star Wars — the psychic energy emitted by all living things — and that I believed that some people had the ability to tap into this energy, psychics, and to a lesser extent, me and others who experience the phenomenon of déjàvu. I told Meredith that I believed in the existence of souls because I had spoken to the souls of dearly departed through a channeler, and I asked her how God fits into this — asking her if there was a hierarchy of souls with God at the top?
Meredith introduced me to the connection between an individual’s purpose and the “soul-contract.” Meredith’s conception of God, or the Great All, and how we and our souls fit in, is that when our souls leave the Great All to incarnate, we contract with the universe/God to experience certain painful things on Earth that are not spiritual so we can learn what is spiritual (love, kindness, compassion, charity, etc.). I believe Meredith watered it down for me a bit? Perhaps we do not come here to experience pain as a contrast — we agree to the pain because that is how we learn to be better souls.
I am thrilled to have recently renewed my relationship with Meredith, having found her on Twitter.
The other night I texted her:
My journey started with you, as you know, and I am forever grateful.
To which she responded:
My honor. What a miracle you are.
Perfect spot for a pregnant pause, wouldn’t you say Anthi?
Cataclysmic Awakening
The journey restarted at supersonic speed on March 19th when the Universe applied The Rack to my body with the strength of an EF5 Tornado:
“Hello, I had hoped we would meet one day under different circumstances and write this mostly in the present tense. I am a close friend and confidante of your sister Lindsey. In fact, I love her. I am the person who went to the precinct and pushed and accompanied the police to check on her after they were being dismissive of me the previous day. I have never experienced such gut-wrenching sorrow as I did on that cold rainy street, but realize it is because I love her more than I know.”
The wailing on the street was a sound that I did not know I could, nor how to, produce. It has emanated from me one or two times since. I cannot purposely replicate it. It is the sound of my soul crying out in pain from having its heart torn out and brain shattered suddenly, tragically, and without any warning whatsoever. No, crying does not begin to describe it; it is the sound of unrestrained grief without any concern about the spectacle that I was for onlookers for an hour or more. Imagine having open heart surgery performed with a jagged and rusted scalpel without a drop of anesthesia; further imagine that it was at a frequency and wavelength that ripped a hole in space-time and was heard across all eleven or more dimensions of the universe, not just then, but at every point in time. If you can close your eyes and feel the picture I just painted, maybe you will come close to understanding. If you can close your eyes and feel the picture I just painted, maybe you will come close to understanding my pain and my grief. And my Love, my Love, my Love.
The reverberations of the pain waves from the tearing out of my heart shattered the barrier between conscious and unconscious, and my soul emerged and began to fill the hole where my heart had been.
At that moment I intuitively knew that I have a soul. At that moment I experienced an irreversible spiritual awakening. The pain was amplified way beyond that which even someone who has experienced the here-one-second-gone-the-next can imagine because with awakening came the innate understanding that I had just lost someone after only 10 months in this life cycle that I have been in love with for at least hundreds of thousands of years.
Marcus and Sitara
Souls have universal, or to put it another way, original given names. My soul’s name was Marcus. Lindsey’s soul’s name was Sitara. In the realms of heaven, Marcus and Sitara have been deeply in love with each other since at least the dawn of humanity and probably before. As humans, we have loved other humans before, and we shall again. We know our relationships here are mere roles, but roles that have a lofty purpose.
Our love is best described by the lyric from Across the Universe:
Limitless undying love that shines around [us] like a million suns; It calls [us] on and on across the universe
As you see, I define Awakening differently than most. To me, Awakening/ Awareness is when the conscious mind becomes aware that the soul resides in the unconscious mind and that there is a separateness — a duality. Everything after that, until it is achieved, is the process of Integration.
For weeks after the cataclysm, I truly felt like Marcus was the separate being that he can be. There were times I would be in a textversation with a friend and I felt like Marcus was having the conversation, not me — I quite enjoyed it. I even told the person on the other side of the internet that she was talking with Marcus, not me. I could tell she thought I was nuts! I didn't care.
This was a very chaotic time for me, yet when I believed Marcus to be in control, I felt calm and philosophical. I literally felt like Marcus and Greg were entirely separate entities sharing this vessel. Had I never asked my spirit guides for my soul’s name, this may not have been the case. But I did, and as difficult as that made comprehension for me, leading to an existential crisis, I’m glad I did. Because for me, as I’ve known for months and months while this story was being written and rewritten in my subconscious (I use subconscious and unconscious interchangeably), and as mirror coincidence confirmed last night when texting with a new mutual follower with immense poetic talent, the only way to become the person I am designed to be is to engage in a total rebuild:
There’s not a gap, but until you “see” that, observe the illusion of your act. The painful uncovering of the truth is the first step for freedom. Then, choose. Choose to demolish the persona you built, to walk on the ruins, to mourn, and proceed. Keep just the healthy parts you’ll find. Throw all the garbage and the lies. Undo yourself and watch what’s happening. Your liberation waits beyond self-labeling. Build again on a healthy foundation. Your temple will be your Self, after re-creation, or — better say — after returning to where “you” came from.
Anthi Psomiadou wrote the excerpted poem around Christmas 2020 but the events described therein happened in my life in May. (I just experienced yet another energy shift Jean Carfantan).
Shortly after awakening, I started to seek the counsel of my spirit guides, facilitated by my channeler since 2010, Anne. I have four guides:
- my Donna Reed to love and nurture me, 2) a nurse with a Sanskrit name, 3) a Native American who is my fiercest protector and 4) one whom Anne describes as reminding her of a young accountant, whose role is to offer me practical advice. Shortly before beginning sessions with my guides, I was contemplating what animal would likely be my “Spirit Animal.” After reading a bit about how one can discern their Spirit Animal, I believed mine would be the Elephant. At the first meeting with my spirit guides, which all happen in Anne’s “third eye” at a tree-lined watering hole, our discussions were observed from a distance by an Elephant.
I remember feeling a special connection to this observer. In the next and every subsequent channeling, the Elephant was at the forefront — answering my questions, posing thought-provoking questions to me — if the others chimed in it was clear they were awaiting his signal. I intuitively knew early on how honored I was but waited a week or so before clueing in Anne, waiting for the right segue, which presented itself when she remarked that she was in awe of my Elephant. First, though I asked Anne to ask Elephant its name — the soft-spoken answer confirmed what I sensed.
After the Elephant’s first appearance as an observer, I intuited a connection to Hindu deities. Vishnu, part of the Hindu Trinity of Creator (Brahma), Protector (Vishnu) and Destroyer (Shiva), is synonymous with Ganesh, who is symbolized by an Elephant’s head. My elephant said its name is Rama. Rama is one of Vishnu’s human incarnations. The elephant is my Highest Power. My Elephant-Spirit-Guide is God.😂
With all due respect to my Lord Rama, then, now, and always, nothing is more important to me than my relationship with Lindsey. As I perceived Marcus to be a separate entity from myself, I was having a hard time wrapping my head around how Greg has an afterlife. To this day I doubt that Anne and Rama understand what I put myself through. Now they will.
In mid-May, the indented quote to follow was my statement one wonderful night when it really felt like in the moment Marcus was in the conscious with me and that we were typing and thinking in unison — it’s like the thought sounds the same but has a different resonance and calm confidence when I discern alignment — I had experienced this a few times before then, and many times through June, and now it is the norm:
integration is supposed to be a state of seamless interdependence — Greg cannot nor should lose himself to us — we should exist in harmonious symbiosis — we should each be aware of the other and of our separate completeness — the only thought that existed of this before we just wrote it was one word –interdependence
Rama applauded, and then when discussing the afterlife, Rama said “you will bridge the gap of Greg and ascend to heaven and be reunited with your eternal love.” After sitting with that for a few days I grew more and more confused. What did “bridge the gap of Greg” mean? Finally, at the end of May, I came up with the ridiculous idea that Greg would go to heaven as a new soul separate from Marcus. When Anne shot that down saying that Greg would imprint on Marcus and otherwise just becomes dust in the ground, I was utterly devastated — completely destroyed — fetal position on the carpet, sobbing — fucking sobbing inconsolably. It was as if Lindsey had died all over again but without the promise that we would be together again one day. I was broken close to beyond repair. Anne’s and my relationship almost ended because I could not comprehend how she didn’t grasp my anguish.
The next day Lindsey repaired me.
I was outside my apartment building when the fog lifted and I’m sure Lindsey was beaming into me. Imprinting does not mean I’m just a footnote in the 17,043 lives of Marcus. Marcus arrived as Marcus but he leaves as Greg!!
I ran upstairs to journal but before I did that I received synchronous confirmation in the form of an alternative video to U2’s One.
The epiphany was that for two months whenever Anne channeled Lindsey for me it was Lindsey, it was not a stranger named Sitara with Lindsey’s memories. So, while Marcus and all 17,042 imprints sparked my life, when I die the soul that leaves is not just 1/17,043rds Greg. It’s Greg, or as I now choose, Gregorius, because Greg = (17,042/17,043 + 1/17,043)=1.
I wrote that day:
I was born February 15, 1967, to [mother] and [father]. My given names are Gregory and Yôḥānān (my Hebrew name — means God is Gracious — a taxi driver in Israel told me that it is a rare and special name — Yonatan being the more common form of Jonathan, which means God has given — duh, God gives everything — God is Gracious is Virtue).
I used to think my Hebrew name was Yôḥānān Liba (beloved). I realize as I type that was simply part of the generic sentence “… beloved son of…. ” Before sparking my life, and thousands of previous lives, my soul’s name was Marcus. From this moment forward until my next incarnation, by the Grace of God and the power Vested in me to create my own Reality, I declare that my Name is “Yôḥānān Gregorius, DNA from [mother] and [father], ignition of cell-division and so much of who I am from Marcus and Marcus’ lives before this one, nurture by [mother], and much thanks to all my friends and loved ones, who will please continue to call me Greg;” but as no light is too bright for my eyes, the nickname Shades is gone.
It no longer matters what my name is. I know that I am I, here, and later in heaven, regardless of how anyone addresses me. Integration completed at 2:58 pm EDT on 5/28/20. Pretty simple actually. One to two and back to One. That is Awakening to Integration — the deconstruction and reconstruction of Greg.
Anthi’s poem that my Muse 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊. published yesterday in Know Thyself Heal Thyself is called “Undo Yourself…to find your Self.” Let’s sit with that wonderous synchronicity for a few pregnant-pause-ellipsis.
Removing a Block to Integration — Canceling My Father
I discerned that mirror coincidence last night in one of my several thought-gathering showers of the night, and as I communicated to Anthi, I’ve intuitively known since 2010 that I was going to have to tear myself down to the foundation and rebuild. Unlike awakening for me, Integration is a process that involved steps before 5/28 and continued until very recently. Until this summer, I lacked the tools and I had both a major blocker and an energy drain in the form of my father. The Integration process allowed me to see through him for the first time in May and I canceled him, allowing Integration to proceed in earnest. This more than merits discussion, as the key to seeing through my father and discerning where my path leads from today forward was …
I Discovered I am Emblazoned with the Mark of Cain
I am a devotee of Hermann Hesse. Not only do I thoroughly enjoy his books, but I also share his Eastern-leaning spiritual beliefs. I recently read an article by Paul Ryburn, Why You Should Always Listen to Your Incomplete Intuitions, They can turn out to be the most valuable intuitions of all. In this instance, a harmlessly false intuition proved to be priceless, as it reinforced an actual set of coincidences that set me on the path of discovering my mark and its meaning’s dual significance.
In the middle of April, while texting with my dear friend and former therapist, I shared with him what at the time was my only piece of personal writing, a self-portrait in essay form that I had written in 2013. He said, “I think you are a writer.” Well, that was all it took my mind, still with an unstitched gash in my brain from the cataclysm, to decide that I had been Hesse in a past life (to which Anne said NO, but you must have a connection to the archetype). I didn't care, being Hesse reincarnate resonated with me (that right there is a lesson in that which resonates does not a discernment equate).
Mark of Cain
It appeared in Latency, of that much I am sure, but when did I first notice it — late Latency? Early puberty? I remember thinking how odd — do I have a birthmark that I hadn’t noticed or is this discoloration some random occurrence? Anyway, I didn’t care much, actually, I could not have cared less, and when anyone asked me about what they assumed to be a burn scar of sorts, I would say it’s a birthmark, which I decided it was, sometimes with a well-timed flip of the bird. As you will learn, the “FU” was the last of several arrows aimed by The Hunter from various places, times, and distances converging on a fixed point in time and space; that being my Heart, barely if at all starting to heal from the loss of Lindsey, now a new and unknown cluster of pain pockets hiding deep within erupted volcanically, where only Love should reside.
Arrow 1: In 2010 through 2012 BDP girlfriend theorized that I had been molested by my father. I had no memory of any such event, nor did I think I was that damaged, so didn’t give it much thought. I do recall once her theory triggering an image in my mind of a dark silhouette standing over my bed.
Arrow 2: in 2013 or so upon discussing with my therapist that Hermann Hesse is my favorite author, he suggested I read Demian. Demian contains the alternate interpretation of the Mark of Cain story.
Arrow 3: in 2017 another damaged girlfriend insists that I should explore with therapy how someone with my looks and endowment did not lose his virginity until the age of 24.
Arrows 4, 5, 6 et seq.: Upon deciding it’s very likely that I was Hesse in a prior life, I start studying his self-portraits (which also lead me to the false belief that if I was Hesse I was also Van Gogh). In early May I was researching Adam and Eve so I could rip a new hole into the ass of a sexist tweeter cloaked in the cloth of the church, and came across a YouTube video that discussed the Hesse-interpretation of the Mark [many months after I wrote this, the video has been deleted from YouTube].
As I was watching it, I intuited that I was supposed to find this video and wondered whether I have the Mark. Then two Hesse images I had been viewing among hundreds popped into my head; one is the iconic image of him on the cover of Der Spiegel giving the world the middle finger; the other is the image of Hesse blowing a puff of pink cigar smoke. It all clicked in an instant. The pink cigar smoke which resembled a Hindu Deity was the same color and shape as the mark on my middle finger, and the image of the silhouette popped back into my head and I knew I had indeed been molested by my father in some way, shape or form, and I also instantly knew what my lead spirit guide meant when he said he was concerned that I would learn too much too quickly.
Let me say right now, please, this is not a big deal — whatever form the limited “molestation” took was isolated and not sexually nor violence-motivated — just narcissistic power. This did not scar me and it is not why I canceled my father. There is no need to go into here why I did cancel his subscription to my life. If the reader wants to dive deeper into his heart of darkness, here are links to my essays that fully explore the matter and you may email me at the address in my profile.
My having discerned my Mark of Cain is a wonderful development. As discussed in the video, it means that my purpose here in this life cycle is a transcendent one — I am here to enlighten myself and anyone who wants to allow me to share my gifts with them.
A twitter account I follow recently posted:
A [person] only needs four things:
1. God 2. something to do 3. someone to love 4. something to look forward to
As a result of awakening and integration, I am pleased to report that I am 4 for 4.
Positive Impact of Awakening and Integration; Alignment
As a result of awakening and integration, I am very self-aware. There is a yin and yang to life’s purpose. There are human wants and soul wants. Life will be harmonious when those two are aligned. Life’s purpose is to learn and one aspect is learning how to satisfy the human wants while not offending the soul’s spirituality. I am at the precipice of discerning my path.
My calling will be something to which I can apply all of my strengths (general intellect, active imagination, soul awareness, strong writer, and INTP personality type, nicknamed the Logician, augmented by my also being an HSP (stupid PC term for an empath), and will have some aspect of imparting knowledge to others.
My entire attitude towards life has changed. Life will now roll off my back, because, I’ve had 17,042 lives before this one and I don’t know how many more life cycles Sitara and I and Rama will agree that I ride. The happenings of life do not matter; how I react to them matters. This is a delicate discussion because most people with whom I will interact will not share this view and I do not want to seem to belittle the importance of this life for them.
With respect to karma, whether in this life or building up a positive balance for future lives, alignment is the key. I am both blessed and handicapped by my awareness as I believe more is expected of me. I welcome the challenge.
In June the life-review concept was not making sense to me on all cylinders (mixed-metaphor acknowledged). I wrote the following memo:
The other day when contemplating the life lesson I know I learned in a life review of a previous cycle, it clicked. God bless my split screens. A lesson truly learned is never forgotten — it becomes hard-wired into our essence. As a result of being murdered in a previous lifetime, I learned the dangers of jealousy and pride.
If I were to manifest those defects in this lifetime, that would be on my soul for not having learned the lesson previously. The system is fair.
I can taste full alignment — it’s delicious
I am literally dancing around my writing space as the Strokes remind me that now The Adults are Talking, which means the Universe is speaking — as the lyrics say:
We are tryin’ hard to get your attention I’m climbin’ up your wall Climbin’ up your wall
Less than four weeks ago I implemented my plan for achieving full alignment — my plan for full and final and irreversible soul recovery. I’m so close — it’s palpable.
“Mom,
I need to get us dealing with the same deck of cards.
I’ve created a Catch-22 that I need to resolve. I decided back in April that I needed to end my self-medication. My biggest mistake was trying to do that without anyone knowing. My wrong-headed reason was I didn’t want you to think that everything I have written about was the result of medicating. My beliefs are mine, and a few billion Buddhists and Hindus share them too. On one level I don’t care what anyone thinks — Trying to keep it secret made it impossible to stop using. I just didn’t want all that has transpired to be written off, especially the dad thing….. I mentioned in one of my essays that I had an idea on why 12-step programs have a miserable success rate. I discussed with Rama and he said I was onto something generally, and he looked forward to me creating my own recovery program. The nurse guide told me that I would succeed at quitting on my third try, after I experienced a profound paradigm shift, and I was finally getting clean for the right reasons. The paradigm shift is everything I need to know does not require anyone’s opinion as my soul knows what’s right for me and I’ve started to tap into that.
My new 12-step model is six steps and I’m on step 6. Rehab is out of the question — not because I don’t want to quit — because there isn’t a damn thing that I would learn there. Harris [prior therapist — now trusted friend] said that to me years ago.
I need to get out of New York to provide the distance from accessibility and people, places and things. I decided that months ago. I had thought about Montana to Patrick and Chicago to Wendy, but those avenues are not readily available, which in and of themselves are breadcrumbs, and other breadcrumbs lead to New Hampshire. The most telling are that when I spent a week there at the end of September for the celebration of Lindsey’s life I didn’t have any supply, I didn’t jones, I was functioning, and I had no dystonia symptoms until the day I was heading home. Here, the addiction treats the dystonia. Everyone thinks the surgery worked. It didn’t and couldn’t. The reason I have idiopathic dystonia was my soul telling me I had to fix my life. Once it’s fixed, or once I am firmly on the right path, the dystonia will be cured. (I discerned this in May when Anne [channeler] told me the accountant spirit guide has a tremor).
So New Hampshire is the opposite of selfish. It is rehab. Reading, which I can’t seem to get done here, and writing, are not hobbies. They are key to me finishing step 6, which is to find my right-sized round hole.
I am pleased to report that I have been in NH for almost four weeks and the entire time I have been drug and dystonia-free!!
I entered New Hampshire as a caterpillar for my chrysalis phase;
I will emerge a butterfly.
I am way ahead of schedule. My butterfly has emerged and shape-shifted into :
There is one more step that will ensure a complete metamorphosis — the ultimate Shamanistic healing — a retreat with a Shaman to undergo multiple ayahuasca ceremonies.
See you on the other side of the Andes!!!!
Thank you for having invested the time in me and yourselves by reading this.
God bless.
Marcus (Gregory Maidman)
Here are other stories of mine in the spirituality and life lessons arena:
Can We Please All Find the Space Within Which to Breathe the Same Air and Agree Not to Agree
Spirituality Redefined, in a manner that will resonate with theists and atheists alike
Here’s a Life Lesson I Learned From Playing Online Poker
Here’s one for anyone suffering from an unexplained and rare illness or disorder.
