100 Things

Because I can do it faster and better than you can

Recently a bunch of bros were either inspired or jealous of me and embarked on a series of speed exercises to see if they could write a story in 20 minutes.

They did but they sucked. To assert my dominance over these guys, I’m doing a hundred things.

They can be anything, but most importantly they need to be entertaining. Clock is ticking so here I go.

1. A talking butt.
2. Diahreah on an airplane.
3. Admitting you can’t spell the word for when you can’t stop pooping to the point where google doesn’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
4. The skin of a baby.
5. The golden hour.
6. Golden showers.
7. The tower of power.
8. That Christain power team that used to do the phone books and break 2x4.
9. Monster truck rallys.
10. Bigfoot the car.
11. Bigfoot the thing that drunk hillbillies see.
12. Fusion energy reactors.
13. Slurpee machines.
14. Coin operated carwash.
15. Coin operated laundry and the Hispanic lady that gives me dirty looks.
16. Seriously, what the fuck lady. Yeah, white in a laundromat. I know right? What are you going to do?
17. Those 6 dollar meals Jack in the Box has where they pour nacho cheese over 4 dollars worth of food.
18. Mark Wahlberg's abs.
19. Denver, the Last Dinosaur. What the fuck is he doing.
20. Magnets, how do they work?
21. It’s always fun until someone gets hurt, and then it’s just hilarious.
22. Fuck Trump.
23. Minnie was kinda of a hoochie. She knows that skirt is too short.
24. Is there any coach more worthless than a soccer coach.
25. Fake Coach Handbags.
26. Now this toatally isn’t going to get distributed.
27. None of my stuff is distributed.
28. Leading myself into old jokes.
29. Grapenuts, no grapes no nuts. Fuck the Portuguese.
30. Except Rui Alves, he’s alright.
31. Slowing growing in acceptance to portuguese.
32. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever got your dong stuck in.
33. Do I have time to hit my vape,
34. I could stop at 50…
35. No you pussy! Keep writing.
36. Steam sales. Buying shit. Life.
37. There will be wisky in the jar but why not keep it in the bottle.
38. BAngerang. BING BONG WOW WOW WOW
39. That Hook movie was weird.
40. I sure would like a sip of this Rolling Rock.
41. Danyasan, karate no here, karate here.
42. I could just lie about the time and stop.
43. Work it Better Chop it Fax it Harder!
44. Now I’m in a Daft Punk rut.
45. Okay lets talk about the video sequence for ghost.
46. Let’s talk about how much GNR spent on that last video that nobody saw.
47. Fuck uh uh…. Deranged
48. I still need to rebuy the Lost Highway soundtrack
49. Almost half way.
50. HALFWAY can we check the time?
51. Okay but no screen shot,
52. Fifteen minutes! shit.
53. I should just lie, lying solves everything.
54. Fucking focus and stop doing long shit.
55. Show everyone how fast you think.
56. Farting Walrusses
57. Leper Moms wearing hats.
58. Julia Robers was never that great looking
59. Ann Margret is still smoking.
60. People over 80 I would bang, thats my podcast.
61. Hey can someone recommend a book
62. Black betty bangalang.
63. What exactly was Sloopy hanging on to.
64. What if you don’t smell what the rock is cooking.
65. Rubble is totaly my favorite member of paw patoll.
66. Pirate < Ninja
67. Die Antwood I can spell that for some reason.
68. Did I spell that right?
69. Spelling is for short people.
70. So how much does this guy weigh.
71. It’s a pizza cookie, I call it a pizookie.
72. Does BJ’s still exist?
73. Does Antartica exist? I don’t know anyone whos been.
74. These disposibile vapes are the devil.
75. No looking around you. That’s amature shit.
76. Stop trying to write words you can’t spell.
77. Porky Pig was a shitty character.
78. You know who else sucked? Heckle and Jeckle.
79. George of the Jungle is the only reason I know the word Timphoniy
80. Popil’s living just for fun.
81. I live for the weekend.
82. I love LA
83. Never start 3 sentences or paragrahs with the the same word.
84. Gotta flip the script on that trick.
85. I’m not allowed to say bitch anymore.
86. Oh and T-ran is a big no no.
87. Dogs that bark and the people who hate it on the next Geraldo.
88. Boxing with celebrites
89. Boxing without celebrites.
90. Americas funnies home videos with Bobcat Goldwaith hosting.
91. Hostess at Ruth Chris’s
92. Christisan fundamentlasits are no fun.
93. I’m a lazy sod.
94. Garfield joins the darkside.
95. Bill Cosby has no more pudding.
96. Batmobile lost a wheel and the joker got away.
97. I should start planning 100 now.
98. Yay Jews.
99. San Dimas Football rules
100. Fuck yeah.

Okay, that was from title to 100. Nothing preplanned. Just hitting it at 3am before bed.

To clarify what this is for the three people still reading (hi). There’s a story that I wrote in 45 minutes after I heard about Elon Musk buying Twitter.

That included concept, writing, creating my own graphic and spellchecking in 45 minutes. Maybe 50. I bragged about it on Twitter and two writers I know of attempted to write a story in 20 minutes.

They did. Sorta.

I type about 40 wpm with shit accuracy. I was hoping to do this intro and list in under 20, but the fact that my story is way more entertaining than there’s means I won.

Suck it bitc…

Thank you for watching me show off.

Ah fuck I just remembered to do this.

It was 26 minutes. Trust me. Thanks for the click.