I trust you to keep the secret

10 Secret Reasons Why Your Stats Are Down the Drain

They don’t want you to know

My stats have dramatically tanked in the last few months. It makes me sad and angry, but we have a rule in my creative writing course, “It’s not whether or not people are going to buy your book. It’s how you’re using the drama to write more articles.”

That’s why I decided to investigate and share the results in this piece you’re currently highlighting, commenting on, clapping, and (incidentally) reading.

Of course, people like James will tell me my stats tanked because I didn’t respect his “10 formatting tips to make my articles shine.”

People like Roz will say it’s because my “titles suck,” and she will even offer a (paid) coaching session to help me with them.

BUT THEY ARE WRONG.

I KNOW IT.

MY STATS ARE DOWN THE DRAIN BECAUSE OF THESE 10 SECRET THINGS THE VIEW BILLIONAIRES OF THIS PLATFORM DON’T WANT US TO KNOW.

#1 — Don’t eat bananas before 10 am. Just don’t — trust me on this — unless you don’t care about your stats.

#2 — One day, I checked my stats. Then I went to the kitchen and opened the door with my left hand. I made coffee, came back, and my stats were down. Coincidence? I DON’T THINK SO.

#3 — Writing stories about Tony and his horse stall mats. What a stalling mistake that was. Bosses say they’re open-minded, but they’re open to receiving compliments. That’s all.

#4 — Waking up before 11 am on Sundays. Three months ago, I woke up at 5 am because I had to take my daughter to a synchronized swimming competition 140 miles from home. She was happy, but my stats punished me.

#5 — Don’t read stepmom erotica stories. Good for you, bad for your stats.

#6 — Don’t shave your left leg as a sign of support for Swan Lake’s ballet dancers.

#7 — Maybe it’s a coincidence (I don’t believe in them), but each time my cat does some plumbing in my bathroom, there’s a leak in my stats the next day.

#8 — Having a crush on another writer. The algorithm wrongly interprets it as a signal to send your views to your crush. Result: your crush doesn’t want to talk with you because you’re a peasant, and they’re the new royalty.

#9 — Dry January. That’s a lose/lose. I’m never doing it again. You’re not having fun, you’re moody, and your stats go down. But you can’t drink to forget. Which gets you even moodier.

#10 — Reading this article by Wilkie Winters is bad luck. I read it exactly six months ago, and you can see the consequences on the graph I shared at the beginning. Seriously. Don’t make the same mistake! Please. Learn from me. Don’t click on this link:

Bonus secret that will make your stats tank: 7 out of 10 people who subscribed to my Substack saw their stats divided by 2.3 on average.