January Humour
Top Tips for Completing Dry January
Less booze than a prohibition piss-up!
January. The most depressing month of the year.
So naturally, why not make it even more depressing by taking away one of the few joys in this world — alcohol!
If you have the pleasure of not knowing what this trend is, allow me to ruin your life. Dry January is when you go the whole month without juicy alcohol touching your lips. It’s not avoiding showering for a whole month like I previously thought.
Ironically, I agreed to Dry January while tipsy. My girlfriend knew this and took advantage by seducing me with the threat of leaving me for a boring sober man called Jonathan or Philip.
With my relationship and liver at stake, I have decided to give it all I’ve got! One whole month sober!
However, this cannot be done alone. That is why I’m going to give you all my top tips on how to avoid the Devil’s juice this January.
So sit tight and grab yourself a drin…NO! NO! Don’t do that!
Marvellous Mocktails
The reason why many people fail Dry January is because they can’t replicate the buzz that alcohol gives you. Diet Coke just don’t cut it.
This means we’ve got to get that buzz from something like booze. I don’t know…perhaps…Adam’s Mocktails!!!
Here’s my list of alcohol-free beverages that will have you drunk on life.
Adam’s Marvellous List of Mocktails
1. Elderly Sex on the Beach — Goat’s Milk, Viagra, Apple Juice.
2. Prostitute Martini — Nickels, Herpes, Lemonade (Viagra works for this one too).
3. Scottish Coffee — Haggis, Irn Bru, Phlegm
4. Shutter Island Iced Tea — Memory pills, Leonardo Di Caprio, can’t think of anything else so chuck some Viagra in there.
Why, Oh Why?!
During this tough time it’s important to remember why you’re doing this.
- Your liver will thank you by not giving out on you.
- You drunkenly agreed to Dry January like I did.
- The only hangover you’ll have is from my Mocktail side effects.
Keep yourself on the right track. Be unique and put motivational posters on your wall like everyone else does.
Dry January sucks but you’ll probably feel better for it once you get going. For example, January is the only month I don’t get thrown out of the supermarket for urinating on the avocados.
Stay strong and stay sober!
One avocado at a time.
Body Benefits
This January, turn your body into that temple you’ve always wanted.
Here are all the great health benefits of removing alcohol from your life for one whole depressing month!
- If you’re bald, your hair will grow back.
- You won’t die until you’re 84 years young.
- Shinier toenails
- Shinier nipples
- The same highs associated with knitting and cocaine.
- Hairier armpits
- Enlarged elbows
These are just some of the most noticeable health benefits. However, there are so many more hilarious ones I’ve not mentioned.
Alcohol may be good and all, but is it worth going without shinier nipples? I don’t think so.
Bottom of the Bottle
We’re now finished and just like drinking, my article will leave you with a headache and a painful feeling of regret.
I hope you’re all now ready to get your alcohol-free on! The mocktails, motivation, and health benefits are waiting for you!
So, put the bottle down and get ready to remember what happened at all the parties you attend.
Thank you for reading and if you, or anyone you care about is struggling with alcohol addiction please do get in touch. We can go for a pint down at the local pub and have a good old chat about what’s wrong.
Thanks for reading you lovely dry people!
Adam out ❤
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