The Art Of Bullshitting

10 Custom-Made Medical Certificates

For your unsuspecting boss

Last time I pulled a sickie at work and had to get my medical certificate from the Doctor’s office to prove my sick creds, I was tempted by my demon to steal my doctor’s signature stamp.

This way I would never have to go through the inconvenience ever again of having to drag my sick ass out of bed just to prove to my boss I was really too sick to work.

Instead, I would just write my own sick letters and use my newly stolen stamp of medical approval to make it official, all from the comfort of my own bed.

I decided I would write 10 different sick letters I could use on a rotating basis.

Here are my 10 custom made medical certificates below.

1. Carlo had every intention to go to work today. But when he thought about the bitter nature of the calls he would have to take, and how little support he would get from his boss, it actually made him a little sick.
2. Carlo was on the train to work this morning when he read in the news that Australia just signed a $360 Billion dollar deal with the US to obtain a few UK made nuclear submarines to stupidly point at China with. Not only did Carlo spill his coffee, but he then threw up his breakfast.
3. Carlo was on his way to work when he suddenly found something better to do. He won’t be coming in today.
4. Carlo was in a rush this morning and just as he was about to leave he ran smack into the front door, forgetting to open it first. He will need the next five days to recover.
5. While he was eating breakfast this morning, Carlo picked up the novelette Intimacy by Hanif Kureishi, and he couldn’t put it back down. He should be done with the book by this evening and will be ready for work tomorrow morning.
6. Carlo was on his way to work this morning when he remembered he was a Top Writer in poetry on Medium. He decided he wouldn’t be taking any orders today from a boss who can’t even string a sentence together.
7. On the train to work this morning, Carlo was struck dumb by the irony that he, Carlo Fucking Zeno, a future Nobel Prize winning poet, was racing towards a cubicle to field nasty complaints from ungrateful customers. He’ll be taking the rest of the week off in an attempt to ward off this looming mid-life crisis.
8. Carlo won’t be coming in to work today. As I’m the doctor, you’ll just have to take my word for it that he is unwell. Deal with it.
9. On his way out the door, Carlo had one of those epiphanies that only come around once a decade: it dawned on him that while there were 45 downsides about his job, there was not ‘one single fucking upside’ (Carlo’s words, not mine). He will be taking the next two weeks off.
10. Carlo won’t be coming into work today simply because he can’t be bothered. He’s had enough bullshit for one week and will see you next Monday. Just below this sentence, you will find my official medical stamp of approval.

© Carlo Zeno 2023

___________________

Thanks for reading and thank you to the team at The Haven for continuing to provide a space for satire. For more of my work, try these two recent pieces below 👇