STRANGE BUT UNTRUE

10 Completely Untrue Facts About Oprah Winfrey You Didn’t Know Until Now

These will blow your mind all the way to the other side of the room

If you think you thought you knew Oprah, think again. Then think again again.

Once you’ve had enough of all that thinking, read this. None of it is true, but that’s fine. Some of the best things in life aren’t true. Some true things are good as well, and many bad things aren’t true. Except for the ones that are. But we can’t change many of those, and even when we can it’s often difficult. And even when it isn’t — okay, enough!

#3: The secret passageways under her house

These were created way back in 1956. As you probably know, California was being regularly invaded by aliens at that time.

Rather than risk being captured, many people would avoid going out above ground. Poor people would just stay in their houses and starve, or go out and get captured by the aliens. Whereas the rich people paid for tunnels to be dug underground.

This is why there are so many rich people in California. It’s nothing to do with the entertainment industry. It’s because the rich people avoided being captured by the aliens.

Oprah didn’t discover the passageways until she’d been living there for five years. But once she did, she realised it all made sense. After all, who would want to get captured by aliens? “Certainly not me,” she said to herself because nobody else was there. Or if they were, they were hiding.

#7: She has a twin called Barbara

Half the time you see Oprah, it’s not actually Oprah, it’s her twin. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Trust me, if you think about it long enough, it will start to make sense.

It’s actually more common than you might realize. Although that’s just a guess on my part because I don’t know what you realize.

#1: Coffee injections directly into the brain

Don’t try this at home, folks. It’s dangerous, unless you’re rich and famous.

It’s not just having a twin that has enabled Oprah to do so many things. It’s also because she has coffee regularly injected directly into her brain.

But just to be sure, you definitely should NOT do this yourself. You need to get it done by a trained Brain Injection Specialist. Only rich people can afford it, and only people as busy as Oprah need it anyway.

The science behind it is self-evident, so I don’t need to explain it. But I will anyway.

The caffeine reacts with the brain chemical 7-hydroximol-analidimide-hexotauric-acid. Or 7-HAHA for short. This turns it into a much stronger, but also more gentle, stimulant. 6-lovelysausage-origamisauce-lethilomide, or 6-LOL. It is this chemical that makes a person good at earning money from TV shows.

#9: Unique hybrid fruits grow in her garden

During the COVID-19 pandemic, she kept herself busy by experimenting with fruit breeding.

An early one was the appleapple — a cross between an apple and pineapple. It’s a normal apple the size of a pineapple. Bizarrely, it tastes like a banana. I asked Oprah (because I live next door to her) whether this was a surprise. She said, “No, that’s exactly what I expected to happen. And if you knew anything about fruit breeding, as I do, you would know that too. Namaste, amen.”

Another one was the tomana, or banato. This is is a cross between a tomato and a banana. It looks like an elongated yellow tomato. If you blend it, it makes a wonderful pasta sauce. If you’re having pasta for dessert, that is.

But her most recent success was a triple hybrid, the strawbumaya. This is a combination of strawberry, satsuma, and papaya. It’s absolutely amazing, and anyone who tastes it goes insane with joy for a whole hour afterwards. Oprah herself sometimes spends entire weekends eating nothing but this.

#2: One hour of walking on stilts every day

This is her main form of exercise. Apart from yoga, Tai chi, Qigong, kickboxing, and cage fighting.

She first learned to walk on stilts five years ago, after someone stole her unicycle. She now regularly stilt walks up to a mile on her own land every day.

She is planning to have her underground passageways made taller. She wants to be able to still walk underground, just in case the aliens ever return.

#4: Jason from ‘Fuck Niches’ used to mow her lawn

Several years ago, Jason from Fuck Niches still had a volleyball addiction. He wanted to replace his seven-year Snickers addiction with something healthier. So he got mad into volleyball.

Every spare moment he had, he would be down on the beach, volleying a ball. Often by himself, but sometimes with random passers-by.

One day, Oprah was flying her helicopter along the beach when the ball flew up and hit the rotor blades. To be fair, it was Oprah’s own fault for helicoptering so low.

So she landed the helicopter, got out, and went to punch him. But she missed and fell over in the sand, and then started laughing.

After a brief period bonding over their mutual love of marzipan, she employed him as her gardener. Until they had a big falling-out. But I’ll write about that later.

#6: She had a big falling-out with her gardener

I didn’t say it would be much later.

What happened was, Jason couldn’t seem to shake his volleyball addiction. It got to the point where the gardening wasn’t getting done. He was spending half the day jumping around hitting a ball in the air.

Oprah turned a blind eye to it for a long time. But then one day, she was out walking on stilts around her garden. The volleyball hit her in the face, she fell off and landed on her ass. Her loud scream frightened a nearby horse, and the horserider fell off. But that’s a story for another time.

#8: Someone fell off a horse near her house

That “another time” is just after the previous bit.

So, this person fell off their horse and landed in some stinging nettles. It turns out they were allergic to stinging nettles. They were also allergic to bee stings, and there was a bee nearby that stung her.

Having seen what happened, Oprah overcame the pain in her ass and jumped to her feet.

She knew what she had to do — take the horserider to the hospital in her helicopter. Jason went along for the ride. But also, Jason knows first aid, so that was helpful as well.

#5: Born with an extra arm on her back

For much of her life, she kept this hidden by wearing baggy clothes. Or never having her back to people when wearing tight clothes.

But in 2005 she had it surgically removed and keeps it in a freezer. Just in case anything happens to one of her other arms, she could have it sewn on in its place.

#10: She bought Northern Ireland for $500 million

Oprah has always wanted to make the world a better place. So, tired of hearing about all the problems in Northern Ireland, she decided to fix it herself.

As British Prime Minister Boris Johnson said:

“This is truly amazing! After 100 years of the people of Northern Ireland fighting over whether they are British or Irish, they will now be American. Not only will Oprah now own all the land, but it will also become the 51st state of the United States of America. This is a monumental step in the right direction.”

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