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Abstract
But I learned to forgive. I learned to practise empathy and understand the 7-year-old, I knew she hadn’t intended to hurt Betsy. We never told her that Besty died but I am sure she would have been mortified and filled with remorse for a long time. That idea of empathy, the understanding that people have different values, priorities or ethics and behave in different ways has always helped me to forgive. I did not believe in carrying grudges, life was too short to be resentful.</p><p id="b8f5" type="7">That same idea of empathy and forgiveness was also the reason I stayed in abusive relationships</p><h2 id="1ccb">Abusers use forgiveness against you</h2><p id="ff7a"><i>“You are not being fair, people make mistakes!” “Come on, that was ages ago, have you still not forgiven me?” “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”</i></p><p id="3167">These are some of the things my ex would say when I got upset about his behaviour. When you are in an abusive relationship, the concept of forgiveness can quickly become a weapon the abuser uses to keep you trapped. The idea that you must forgive them is like permission to continue with the abuse. Lundy Bancroft, who has worked with over 2000 abusive men writes:</p><p id="7386" type="7">“My clients demand forgiveness while continuing to insult, threaten, demand immediate responses, attend only to their own needs, and more.” (Why Does He Do That? p. 217)</p><h2 id="f5de">Forgiveness requires remorse</h2><p id="9234">I always thought forgiveness was unconditional. Although I am not religious, I was brought up going to church and reading the bible. The concept of forgiveness I had was influenced by the phrases and sermons I had picked up at a young age. <i>“Bear with each other and <b>forgive</b> one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. <b>Forgive</b> as the Lord forgave you.” </i>I thought it meant that you have to forgive everyone and anyone no matter what they had done. But there is one point I never knew: This idea of forgiveness is based on the assumption that the person I am forgiving shows remorse.</p><p id="c92b" type="7">Overlooked in common Christian understanding of forgiveness is the necessary part of repentance by the wrongdoer. John McKinley</p><p id="d22c">One of the most difficult concepts to understand after <a href="https://readmedium.com/13-signs-i-dated-a-narcissist-44d1db6ee3e4">my relationship with a narcissist</a> was that there are people who are incapable of feelin
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g remorse. He never apologised or cared about what happened to me. When he left, it was as if he had turned off a switch, his new victim was all that mattered and I never existed. Part of me was hoping for a long time that I would receive an apology. But I know that it will not happen. Although I understand now <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-a-narcissist-prepares-you-for-the-abuse-6383e7c92873">how abusive he was</a>, in his mind, he has done nothing wrong. <i>He does not seek forgiveness.</i></p><h2 id="5d37">Forgive yourself</h2><p id="46a4">I don’t think I need to forgive him to lead a happier and healthier life. I do not believe that forgiveness is part of the healing process unless it is directed at myself. <i>Forgiving yourself is key</i>.</p><p id="7171">Forgive yourself for not seeing it, for staying longer than you should have. Forgive yourself for moments you were weak and for moments when you might feel week again. Forgive yourself for ways you have behaved or things you have said. Forgive yourself for all the things you feel remorse over. Forgive yourself for never being able to forgive those that show no remorse.</p><h2 id="2210">More from Kara Summers:</h2><div id="b84b" class="link-block">
<a href="https://readmedium.com/do-you-feel-like-you-are-constantly-upsetting-your-partner-b1e9f5fcd6df">
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<h2>Do You Feel Like You Are Constantly Upsetting Your Partner?</h2>
<div><h3>Make sure you aren’t the one who is the real victim.</h3></div>
<div><p>medium.com</p></div>
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<a href="https://readmedium.com/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-toxic-relationship-ffb487a213ec">
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<h2>A Day in the Life of a Toxic Relationship</h2>
<div><h3>Many don’t recognise narcissistic abuse when they are caught in the middle.</h3></div>
<div><p>medium.com</p></div>
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