FUR & FEATHERS WRITING COMPETITION

Zoey Knew My Pain

Of course the dog knew

I already lost my daughter Isabella to college and her future life experiences three years prior. I was set to lose my son Joe to the same path in the next month. Soon, no kids would be at home.

And our golden doodle Zoey knew. She just knew.

Zoey arrives

When Isabella was 12, she set her sights on a puppy. I have always been a cat person, and was reluctant to live with a dog. We already had a great cat named Oreo.

But Isabella persisted. She did the research, found the type of dog she wanted, and then found the actual puppy. With all that effort, there was no holding her back. We picked up the dog, who sat in Isabella’s lap in the backseat the entire way home. Isabella named her Zoey.

Isabella and my wife Suzanne took Zoey to puppy training, where one of the big messages was to discourage your dog from standing on its hind legs when greeting you or playing. Apparently, this stance leads to many issues over time, up to and including life-threatening injuries.

Zoey loved to greet me by standing on her back legs, which led to Suzy admonishing both me and Zoey many times. Eventually, Zoey stopped this greeting. I missed it.

Conflicting emotions at the same time

In the lead-up to Joe heading off to college, I recently set up shop in a home office, starting a retail consulting practice and working on my garden memoir The Family Garden (excerpts from which you can find on my Medium stories page).

I worked independently most hours of most days unless on Zoom or phone calls with clients, accompanied just by Zoey. While I diligently dug into research or plunged into The Family Garden, she comfortably hung out at my feet, on the oversized chair, or on its ottoman in the office. If she was not asleep, she fondly gazed at me.

We took a walk at 9:30 after the initial work to start the day, and she accompanied me when I worked in the garden at lunchtime. Her energy level and excitement peaked when Suzanne came home from work at the school at around 3:30.

Once Suzanne was home, I became second fiddle for Zoey. But it allowed me to get more work done.

As the summer wore on and the days grew hotter, I spent more time wondering how life would play out without either of the kids at home on a regular basis.

I deeply experienced what many have described — holding two conflicting emotions at once. I was excited about Joe and Isabella’s future, and so proud of what they had already accomplished.

I was happy.

Somehow, I also could not shake the nostalgia and longing for the times they grew up and became who they are. I did not want to let that go. There was a time when they needed me, and now I needed them.

I was sad.

At the same time. In the very same moment.

Zoey just knew

As the day approached for Joe’s college drop-off, the combination of those feelings intensified. I paced more in the office. If on a phone call, I never sat down. I had one of those accessories that you use to raise and lower the desk so you can either stand or sit. I found myself up and down all day with that desk.

Zoey and I traipsed out to the garden more often. Not with a mission, just to increase the pacing range. We traipsed right back.

On the hottest day of the summer, the emotional cocktail overwhelmed me. I walked away from the stand-up desk. Zoey kept a watchful eye on me. She knew something was up. I plopped down on the ottoman and dropped my head in my hands.

I burst into tears. I was alone.

I tried to wipe away the tears, and Zoey came into focus right in front of me. She looked me in the eye, raised up on her hind legs, and placed her front paws on my shoulder.

She gave me a hug.

It lasted a good long, warm minute.

Her love and comfort came through. Her hug assured me that not only was it okay to feel all of these conflicting emotions, but also that everything would be okay.

The next few days brought the drop-off, and again the sadness won out over the happiness. But I summoned up Zoey’s hug with each emotional wave and it got me through, promising that the future would indeed come, reminding me that all those emotions carried their own meaning.

Zoey is older now, and still with us. She saved me that day, and I’ll always be grateful that she knew.

I read this piece by Kandis Lake, and encourage you to do the same. It is a story about completing a family and more.