Satire
Zen & The Art Of Self-Sabotage
Doubling down and failing forward
I am going to lay down the laws of how to sabotage yourself as a writer. Straighten up, and take some notes. It’s not every day I dispense with hard-wrung wisdom.
- Decide it’s a good idea to become a writer. That’s right. This is the first big step toward sexy self-sabotage and a sure-fire way into launching a career of laughable failure. I recommend it to anyone who has a taste for sado-masochism. After committing to this crucial primary law, the rest sort of just follow suit like a demonic domino effect. Did you ever play the game chutes and ladders growing up? Committing to a life of writing is the easy, effortless Way of Chutes. Very zen.
- Write for Medium. This second law is the true fast track to elite self-sabotage. It is like a high-speed train to failure, promising success every step of the way with cunning little sticks and carrots like claps and clicks and stats and blips and microscopic little monthly pay slips that make your begging cup totals outside your local grocery store seem like an executive’s salary at Goldman Sachs by comparison.
- When Medium throws you lemons, double down and write even more. When the universe is dropping loud atom bombs of failure and humiliation over your head it is a really good idea to keep doing what you are doing. This should be obvious to anyone with half a brain. If Medium writes you a check for $25 for a month of writing your best poetry and satire, this is clearly a sign from God that you not only chose the right career but that you are well on your way to begging on the street for a bite to eat.
- Faced with the choice between going to your office job to do soul-destroying admin work and staying at home to write your next Medium masterpiece, stay at home and write. This sort of quick, kneejerk decision-making will transform you into the Muhammad Ali of self-sabotage. Nobody will come near reaching your heights of exalted failure.
- Read all of the hundreds and thousands of Medium stories titled I Just Made My First $100,000 On Medium — You Can Too, and other like-minded wet dreams. If Law #2 was a high-speed train, this law is a rocket straight to failure.
So far, so good. But even these 5 golden laws might not be enough to keep the demon of skepticism from stealing unnoticed into your brain.
When you start to doubt your career choice or enter the domain of sensible, rational realism, do a quick search for “Law of Attraction” on your Medium home feed. You will generally get an immediate injection of absolutely crazy irrationalism and impossible dreaming that will have you seeing more golden windmills than Don Quixote.
This will help you tell your boss to go screw himself when he tells you he can use an extra hand in the office, while you stay home and labor away at your next (count it) $1.25 masterpiece. This is the real meaning of Fuck You Money. It is also self-sabotaging par excellence, as you won’t be able to afford to buy anything with such a small amount.
I mean why go to the office to make some money when you can stay at home and dream of making money?
Do you need a little refresher course on the 4 fundamental laws of attraction? Let me break it down for you:
- “Know what you want”. Easy. I want to be counting one-hundred dollar bills between sessions of writing stories on Medium.
- “Visualize it”. Ok, I’m imagining it. I can smell the crisp green hundreds as I slip them one by one inside my blue imitation leather Venetian wallet.
- “Believe you are worth it”. Are you kidding me? Of course I’m worth it. This is Carlo Zeno you are talking about.
- “Practice oneness”. I’m so one with my writing desk at home I can’t stop giving the finger to my boss every time he tries to get me to come to the office so he can pay me a living wage.
Follow these steps and you will have triumphantly crushed the voice of reason that is trying to save your life and will be well on your way to becoming a Master of Self-Sabotage.
© Carlo Zeno 2023
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Thanks for reading. Also thank you to Jason Provencio for being the unintended inspiration of this piece with his recent piece on self-sabotage. Jason’s piece is not a satire and provides very useful tips and insights on improving your writing skills on Medium.
As one of Jason’s pieces of advice was to be authentic and real when writing, consider this piece to be just that. We can only each write what is most true for us and have the confidence that there are others out there who can relate (or maybe just have a laugh). For two more earlier pieces with a similar theme, check out the below 🙏