You’re Too Nice for Your Own Good: 5 Ways to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Don’t let people pleasing harm your mental health and destroy your sanity.

Have you ever known a people pleaser or struggled with it yourself? It’s normal to want to be kind to others and help them out, but people pleasers take being accommodating too far.

People pleasers feel the pressure to say yes to demands is overwhelming, so much so that they almost cannot say no. When they do, they feel guilty. Sounds familiar?

People Pleasing Often Begins During Childhood

People-pleasing often begins when you’re a tiny tyke. As a child, you learn that pleasing your parents can bring rewards such as praise and affection while displeasing them leads to punishment. (Or at least not as many rewards) Some people carry this behavior into adulthood.

Why are people pleasing such a thing? As an adult, you want others to see you as a good friend or coworker who cares about them and wants to help them out. So, you:

Put their needs ahead of your own.
Take on responsibilities you don’t want.
Say things you don’t mean.
Resenting yourself for doing the above.

People Pleasing Sucks When It Gets Out of Hand

When you constantly please others, your schedule becomes packed with things you have to do for others— buying gifts, cooking dinners, attending parties, or giving presentations at work — and you end up with no time for yourself!

Being a people pleaser can make you feel like you’re on a roller-coaster of emotions. It’s exciting to be needed and receive praise but disappointing when you realize you’re putting your needs aside and developing a pattern.

Wouldn’t it be rewarding to break the cycle? If you’re ready to stop being a people pleaser, here are five ways to start prioritizing yourself and your needs.

Know Why You’re a People Pleaser

The first step to changing your behavior is understanding why you do it in the first place:

Do you want others to like you?
Do you want them to think highly of you?
Do you want to avoid conflict?
Do you not want people to see you as a failure or a disappointment?

These are some of the more common reasons people put others’ needs before their own.

You might know your behavior is driven by deep-seated fears or negative beliefs about yourself. And unless you identify those fears, you can’t tackle them.

For some people, dealing with these issues requires counseling. However, you can still take small steps to curb people-pleasing behavior. Let’s look at some of those.

Practice Saying No

To stop being a people pleaser, learn to say no, even if it initially feels uncomfortable.

For example, set boundaries in the workplace by saying no when your boss asks you to work late when you have other plans.

Say no when your sister asks you to babysit on a night you have other plans.

Saying no is an essential life skill and one that many people struggle with. But if something doesn’t come easily for you, it’s time to change that.

If you don’t, you will become your boss’s go-to person to ask to assign extra projects since you always comply — and your sister will have you on speed dial when she can’t find a babysitter.

Learning to say “no” is the ultimate challenge for people-pleasers who hate saying the wrong thing or hurting others’ feelings.

But remember: When you say yes, when you mean no, it doesn’t benefit anyone. It creates resentments and frustrations that can lead to lost friendships and loss of self-esteem.

Practice saying no to small requests and demands, so when bigger ones come up, it’s easier to refuse without the nasty guilt! It gets easier with time!

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

— Lao Tzu

Upgrade Your Assertiveness Skills

Assertiveness is communicating your thoughts and feelings while respecting your rights and feelings. First-rate communication skills and assertiveness are essential to get the most out of life.

Becoming more assertive is a journey and one that might feel agonizing at first. But it’s about knowing your value and boundaries and standing up for your rights in relationships, work, and life.

If you have problems doing this on your own, taking an assertiveness training course may be helpful. In college, I took a Dale Carnegie assertiveness course that helped me become more confident and assertive. (I, too, was a people pleaser) They made us stand up and give short speeches too! Scary, but you quickly get over the fear of public speaking in that environment.

“When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying no to yourself.”

— Paulo Coehlo

Be Direct

Have you ever noticed that people-pleasers beat around the bush? They won’t get to the point for fear of offending people or putting them in an awkward situation. They’re so afraid of offending that they neglect their wants and needs.

Don’t be one of those!

If you succumb to people pleasing, you’ll have a hard time advancing in a career and may get taken advantage of if you don’t ask for what you want. It’s a skill you can master with practice.

Start by making small requests and work up to larger ones. Don’t be afraid to use the words “I want” or “I need.” People will respect you more if you’re upfront with them.

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is important in figuring out what you need to be happier and more productive. For example, turn off your phone and email notifications when you’re at home relaxing and don’t want to be bothered. Let people know you’re enjoying “me” time and not to disturb you.

If you set clear boundaries with friends and family, they’ll learn what to expect from you. Make your boundaries clear, and don’t be afraid to tell people you’re not available when you have other things to do.

The Bottom Line

You can’t please everyone, but you can relax and be who you are — which is good enough. Hopefully, these tips will help you become less of a people pleaser. You won’t regret it!

References:

“What Is People-Pleasing? — Psychology Today.” March 30 2020, psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-finesse/202003/what-is-people-pleasing.

Why It Doesn’t Pay to be a People-Pleaser. Greater Good. Published 2016. Accessed March 30, 2022. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_it_doesnt_pay_to_be_a_people_pleaser