You’re so Vain, You Prob’ly Think This Blog is About You
Don’t you, don’t you, don’t you?
Vanity is a real curse, and we all have to be careful to not succumb to it. The problem is, it’s very hard to see our own vanity. Vanity sneaks up behind us and takes over our personality. Luckily, I have designed a quiz that will help you determine the true extent of your narcissism. The person who is truly not vain will be able to honestly answer “no” to all of these questions below and will be able to rest their head in peace tonight knowing that they are free from the deadly sin of self-absorption.
1. Did you walk into the party?
Is there any other way to get into a party? Roller skate? Never have you rollerskated into a party? Then I’m guessing you walked.
2. Was your hat dipped below one eye?
Depending on the location of the observer, it might appear that your hat is strategically dipped below one eye. Keep that in mind. Make sure to answer truthfully.
3. Have you ever eaten an apricot?
Even if you don’t have an apricot-colored scarf, you probably at one point have “scarfed down” an apricot. Haven’t you?
4. Did you watch yourself gavotte?
Have you ever wondered about this dance, the gavotte? In fact, it is a dance that has not been danced for at least two hundred and fifty years. That’s right, it was popular in France in the 1700s. So if you are Louis the XV, this line is about you. But I consider this question disqualified. So even if you haven’t gavotted, you’re still in the running for this blog to be about you. Read on.
5. Did all the girls dream that they’d be your partner, they’d be your partner, and...?
Did they? Alright, maybe not all the girls. But have there been girls? Have there?
6. You prob’ly think this blog is about you, don’t you?
Well, you’d have to be a dummy not to realize that the blog is about you. You’re not a dummy are you?
7. Did you “have” Carly Simon several years ago?
Well, we all had Carly Simon. If we’re old, we had the LP. If we’re not old, as soon as we signed up for Spotify, we had Carly Simon and about fifteen different versions of the song. I like the live version she did on the Queen Mary 2.
8. Were you quite naive several years ago?
Several years ago, we were all quite naive, let’s face it. I can’t believe how naive I was like three months ago. For instance, I never dreamed I’d be stuck in a fucking quarantine going over the lines of a Carly Simon song because I have absolutely nothing fucking better to do. How naive is that? So yeah, unless you saw this COVID thing coming — I’m looking at you Bill Gates — you are quite naive indeed.
9. Are there clouds in your coffee?
If you have ever sipped your coffee outside — clouds. They are reflected in the surface of the coffee.
10. Did your horse naturally win?
Have you ever been on a carousel? I bet you have. Your horse was ahead of a bunch of other horses wasn’t it? Yeah, you won! Congratulations!
11. Did you see the total eclipse of the sun?
Don’t look straight at it, dummy! You’ll go blind!
12. Are you where you should be all the time?
Well, you’re right where I want you, anyway. Reading my blog. I can’t imagine a better place for you to be, can you?
13. Have you been with the wife of a close friend, wife of a close friend, and…?
Well, we’ve all been with the wife of a close friend. Even during quarantine. Just last week we went over to our close friend's front lawn, stayed ten feet away from them, brought our own drinks, wore masks, yeah, it sucked.
14. I bet you think this blog is about you, don’t you? Don’t you?
I mean, you’ve answered yes to a lot of these questions, haven’t you? Notice, I never asked you if you had been with an underworld spy, did I? See, that’s because this blog is about you.
Don’t you agree?
You do?
Ha! I knew it. I knew it!!! You are so vain!!! So damn vain!!!
You think this blog is about you! Don’t you! Don’t you!
How do you even fit through the door with a head so big?
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