You’re So Brave

If you could see yourself how I see you, you’d be amazed.

You’re a rock star.

Have you ever stopped to think of your contributions to the planet? How much you give to your family, friends, and community? How in tune you are with the Universe? I’ll bet you don’t notice how much you accomplish every day.

You probably exceed your own expectations all the time. You’re likely spreading magic all over the place and you’re not even aware of your power and grace.

I sometimes forget all the awesome things I’ve done.

I’ve been working hard behind the scenes. I had to take a moment to reflect on just how much I’ve done lately. How much I give. How aligned I’ve become.

I can hardly talk about it. I’m tired down to my bones. I woke up three times this morning. First time I woke was 3:45am, after a catastrophic dream about our planet caving in from a huge flood. Then my little woke me twice, the first time just shy of 5am, the next was 7:30. I decided to get up and face the day, and I’ve been going ever since.

I’m not always super graceful. I snapped at my kids a couple of times.

But when I stop to think, I’m energized from my inner knowing that I’m heading in the right direction. Energy flows right where it’s needed. And I own it. I’m owning my life and my choices.

I’m impressed by my veracity and willingness to live my truth. When something feels right, I move forward and take action to make it happen. I jump into the unknown all the time. That’s faith.

Apparently I have oodles of faith.

I’m a single parent of two young children. We’ve moved out of state a few times in the last several years, back and forth from California to Oregon. That means we’ve had plenty of long distance road trips in a packed car. I’m about to travel to a new place again. I’m taking them to Albuquerque, New Mexico.

We’re moving to the Land Of Enchantment. I’m beyond excited. I’ve visited twice but never lived there. I find the desert and it’s stunning beauty attractive. I want more diversity for me and my children.

Did you know that New Mexico has energy vortices everywhere? And I always have more room for Southwest cooking. I welcome more chiles. Bring on the flavor.

There’s a back story, of course. My psychic friend told me Ohio was a place I might move. My old high school friend lives there. I decided to get in touch with him, and we’ve been talking ever since.

These are no ordinary phone conversations. We’re connecting and coming together and it’s exhilarating.

I have a theory. Ohio was in my energy field because of him. I’m not meant to move there, but he and I were meant to reconnect.

When I researched Cleveland, a distance away from where he lives, I started to wonder if it was such a good move. The only thing that matched was him. Ohio wasn’t what I wanted.

I took a shower and had a thought. It was really an intuitive nudge.

What about New Mexico? I asked myself. I answered a with a big YES.

I do all my best thinking in the shower.

So when people ask me, why New Mexico? I tell them it just came to me in the shower and I went with it.

It just felt right.

My kids’ dad didn’t want to go. There were issues, problems, disagreements about the kids’ best interest and his fears revealed. This part was hard.

I knew we couldn’t stay in Eugene. We had mold unaddressed and unresolved, and I had signs of seasonal depression. Our newest neighbor was disruptive and emotionally volatile.

We also have dear friends there and we miss them. My oldest daughter’s bestie and her family are like our extended family now. We lived there just over a year, so we had established friendships and school and favorite places. I know we were meant to be there so we could meet all the wonderful people who showed up in our lives.

Still. I know an unhappy, unfulfilled mama isn’t healthy for my kids. Eventually, their dad conceded and gave us his blessing. We were on our way out soon after.

Next stop was staying at my parents’ house while I searched for housing.

I’m so brave.

I’m learning and growing more than I ever wished for while I’m here. But it’s good for me, good for all of us. And we’re safe.

We’ve done this before and it was disastrous. I love my parents, but we have some striking differences in our lifestyles and beliefs. They can’t handle crying, and I encourage expression of feelings. We don’t always agree on what to feed them. Then there’s plastic bag use, watching the news, and all kinds of synthetic fragrance. Those are a select few that come to mind.

But they include them in their chores, they laugh and play and take them places like grandparents do. And we’re ok. We love each other.

I’ve worked on this piece after bedtime, during and after breakfast. I cooked, cleaned up the kitchen, and took a break to help my nearly 4-year-old clean up her poopy butt. I’m finishing up just before dinner.

It’s hard to make time to write quality stories, but I make an effort.

I’m doing more than enough. I’m more than enough.

I think it’s ok and actually necessary to not be “on” all the time. That’s how I stay balanced.

I have other fun, healthy activities to bring me self-awareness and help me be the best mom, friend, and community member. I meditate, walk every day, socialize, and hang out in nature as often as I can.

Whenever we think we might not be doing enough, or we’re not enough, we need to pause and try to see ourselves through someone else’s eyes.

I birthed two children. I had my first child at almost 40 years old, and my second at age 43.

Someday I’ll write my birth story. As an older mama, I feel like my story matters to others my age who are told they might have a hard time getting pregnant. Conceiving was easy, and my pregnancies were uncomplicated and wonderful. But of course it’s not easy to grow a baby, not to mention birth one. I’m still in awe that I pushed two tiny humans out of my vagina.

I endured immense physical and emotional changes during pregnancy, followed by breastfeeding and postpartum bodily changes. I’m still nursing my youngest until she turns age 4 next week. She told me she’s done on her 4th birthday.

My single mama role is overwhelming. I haven’t written much about it yet because it consumes me. I’m often emotionally exhausted.

I adore my kids. They have my heart like no one else. But I can’t pretend everything’s fine when I’m interrupted for what feels like the hundredth time, especially when I’m on the toilet.

I’m a gentle parent who occasionally yells at them, usually for being too loud because I’m sensitive and I’m human. And we’re still ok. We’re all learning. I can’t expect to be perfect as a mom all the time. Being a human takes courage and strength, and a willingness to be open.

As we embark on our next adventure in Mew Mexico, I remember what a wild and wonderful ride we’re on.

Remember you’re not alone.

Most of us don’t realize how much we give and the positive impact we have on others.

You’re spectacular and you’re doing the hardest job ever assigned. Being human can be the greatest challenge and our best opportunity for greatness.

Own your greatness. Claim your bravery. You’ve earned it.

Let’s stay in touch. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, or my personal blog at gratefulx365.wordpress.com. Submit your amazing stories to my Medium publication, Gratefully Yours.