RELATIONSHIPS | SELF IMPROVEMENT
You’re Sleeping With A What?
How to tell when you are sleeping with a narcissist
I am not a healthcare professional and cannot diagnose any physical or mental health issue. What I have written here is a mixture of my personal opinions, experience, and what I have read over time penned by medical professionals.
Narcissists have a tendency to manipulate and control their partners. Often causing emotional and psychological damage. While it can be challenging to identify narcissism in a partner, there are specific red flags to watch for.
WHY DO WE END UP IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH NARCISSISTS?
This is a hard question to answer. One of the most common reasons, however, is something called “trauma bonding”. Trauma bonding occurs when someone has experienced emotional abuse before, perhaps as a child. This person can fall for a narcissist because their behaviour is familiar. Another common reason is because people have co-dependency tendencies and crave validation from others. Co-dependent type people are drawn to narcissists. Because the narcissist’s constant demands for attention appear to be what the co-dependant type person wants in their life.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR PARTNER IS A NARCISSIST?
As I mentioned at the beginning, I am not qualified to diagnose anyone. However, I can list some signs to look out for which might show that someone is a narcissist.
NARCISSISTS ARE IN NEED OF CONSTANT ADMIRATION AND ATTENTION
They need to be told how good they are all the time. This might come in the form of fake modesty. They will tell you something wonderful they did for someone else. They will mention it seemingly in passing, but they are doing it on purpose. They might tell you what you need to hear about yourself to make you feel that they are a great person for making you feel so good. In an intimate, physical relationship, this can sometimes manifest in them putting a lot of effort into making you feel great physical pleasure, so you can then tell them how they are the best love maker. In my own personal experience, the narcissist grows tired of making such an effort and soon enough, they are happy to lay back and let you do all the work, literally.
THEY HAVE A GRANDIOSE SENSE OF SELF-IMPORTANCE
It’s not uncommon for a narcissist to tell you outright how amazing they are. They are the best employee, the best boss, the best sibling, the best son, or daughter, and, of course, the best partner and lover. They will tell you very matter-of-factly that Mr Boss told them, “You are the best employee we’re ever had.”. Or they’ll get teary-eyed recounting how their granny’s last words were, “You are my favourite grandchild.” Sometimes, they will be so convinced of their story that they will forget you were there when their granny died, and you know her last words were, “When’s Bingo on again?”
THEY LACK EMPATHY BUT ARE PROS AT FAKING IT
One of the most prominent aspects of a narcissist’s behaviour is their ability to simulate empathy. They may appear to be kind and compassionate towards their partner, but this is only to gain control over them. For example, a narcissist might appear sympathetic when their partner is upset. However, they may do so to ‘gaslight’ their partner into believing that they are the problem rather than the narcissist. Narcissists may feign empathy, but the pretence won’t last forever. I was in a relationship with someone who told me how me grieving the death of a friend of mine, made them feel unloved because I was not giving them enough attention.
THEIR ARROGANT BEHAVIOUR
Another aspect of a narcissist’s behaviour is their arrogance. They often believe that they are better than everyone else and deserving of special treatment. How many times have you heard a raise voice in a shop/restaurant demand, “Do you know who I am?”. In a romantic relationship, this could manifest as a need for their partner to constantly acknowledge their superiority or to act as a servant. For instance, a narcissist may expect their partner to cater to their demands without question. They will expect you to take care of them when they are ill, for example, but if the tables turn and you need them to take care of you, they believe your request is outrageous.
THEY CAN’T TAKE CRITICISM
However much they dish it out, they are incapable of taking it. They might mask the criticism as friendly advice or innocuous feedback, it is neither. They often see themselves as perfect and will not accept any negative feedback about their behaviour. This could lead to a lack of communication in a relationship where one partner must always agree to the other. For example, a narcissist may lash out at their partner if they try to offer feedback on a particular subject or issue. In fact, they will often turn it around on their partner and insist that it is their partner’s judgement which is wrong. I remember listening to an ex tell me how in every job he had had, he always seemed to end up with colleagues and bosses who did not appreciate his genius (yep, he used the word ‘genius’). He told me stories where he had given colleagues and bosses advice (publicly and for their own good, of course). Only for the colleague or boss to turn on him and even tell him he was not in a position to be making such comments. He was outraged and was getting more and more worked up with each example he gave me. At that stage in our relationship, I felt there was nothing to lose, so I spoke up. I suggested that if the same thing was happening to him in every company, with most of his colleagues and staff, then perhaps he should reflect on the matter. My suggestion was not well received.
THEY ARE EXPERT MANIPULATORS
A true characteristic of narcissism is manipulation. They will often use their strengths, intelligence, or influence to manipulate the situation in their favour. In a relationship, this could manifest as using emotional blackmail to get their way. They might tell their partner that they will end the relationship if they don’t act or comply with their demands. In less drastic situations, they will use emotional blackmail to get what they want. Rollout the puppy dog eyes. I was in a relationship once where I could be so upset and about to end the relationship when the puppy dog eyes would be engaged. I would end up feeling sorry for them, completely forgetting the hurt and pain I was feeling myself.
THEY ARE REAL CONTROL FREAKS
I must admit I am a bit of a control freak myself. For example, I like to be the one who is driving. A good passenger I do not make.
A narcissist’s need for control is on a whole different level, though. They must be in charge of every aspect of the relationship, whether it is deciding what to do, where to go, or who their partner can and cannot see. They are good at letting you think you are on an equal playing field, but you are not. They will let you think you make some of the decisions, but it’s all smoke and mirror tricks. They might also demand complete obedience or conformity to their standards, which could lead to a loss of individuality or independence for their partner. This is something that happens over time. It’s so subtle most of the time that you don’t even notice it happening. You wake up one day and realise you are a puppet at the end of their strings.
THEY CAN BE OVER THE TOP JEALOUS
I know not everyone will agree with what I am about to write; I think that a bit of jealousy is no bad thing in a relationship. I’m talking about your significant other sitting up and paying attention when someone in the queue for coffee gives you the eye or is a bit flirtatious.
Narcissists take it way past sitting up and paying attention. They may become envious of other people who show their partner attention, even if it is just as friends or co-workers. The narcissist might go on rants about your behaviour, they might make you feel you have done something wrong. They could convince you that you have hurt their feelings and you end up apologising and promising not to do it again. They might even go as far as to dictate who you can and cannot talk to, where you can go, when, and with who. They might use this as an excuse to keep a closer eye on you, and will tell you it is for your own good.
THEY HAVE NO REGARD FOR BOUNDARIES
Narcissists act with no accountability, such as breaching their partner’s privacy. Another big one is isolating their partners from loved ones. They will tell you they love you so much, they want you to themselves. For example, a narcissist may go through their partner’s phone, emails, or social media accounts to ensure that they are not interacting with anyone outside of their control. A person I was in a relationship with told me how worried he was about people hacking my WhatsApp. He said he should check it at least twice a week to make sure it was safe. He also said we should change all my passwords (he would do it for me and keep a note of them for me, of course). These things might sound ludicrous, and they are, but after many months of priming me, they almost made sense to me.
IN CONCLUSION
Unfortunately, a lot of us have been and/or will be in romantic relationships with narcissists. Some of us, like me, will have a special knack for attracting and entering into relationships with narcissists time and time again. We owe it to ourselves to learn how to avoid and deal with this type of person in our lives.
My hope with this article is to highlight a damaging narcissistic behaviour someone was not aware they were being subjected to. Also, to let people who are wondering if they are the problem, thinking that it’s their fault, and believing the manipulative narrative of a narcissist, know it is not their fault. And they deserve much better.
I URGE ANYONE WHO FEELS THEY ARE A VICTIM OF ANY KIND OF ABUSE TO PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.
Be kind. Be safe. Be happy.
