You’re Not With Who You’re Meant to Be With

Summary

The article challenges the notion of a "one true love" by highlighting the statistical improbability of finding a singular perfect match among billions of people, suggesting instead that relationships are shaped by the choices and interactions that bring people together.

Abstract

The article "You’re Not With Who You’re Meant to Be With" explores the societal myth of a predestined soulmate and contrasts it with the practical realities of human relationships. It points out that with nearly 2 billion potential partners worldwide, the average person will only meet a tiny fraction of these individuals due to geographic, cultural, and language barriers. The author argues that the idea of a unique, destined partner is undermined by the multitude of paths and decisions that could lead to different romantic outcomes. Instead, the author posits that the true value of a relationship lies in the mutual commitment and experiences shared by two people who, among countless possibilities, have chosen to be together.

Opinions

The concept of a "one true love" is a romantic ideal that is far removed from the realities of human interaction and the vast number of potential partners.
The average person's social circle and potential romantic partners are limited by various factors, including location and language, making the search for a soulmate statistically improbable.
The decisions and chance encounters play a significant role in whom one ends up with, rather than fate or destiny.
Instead of endlessly searching for an idealized perfect match, individuals should appreciate and invest in the relationships they have.
The bond between partners is made meaningful not by the idea that they are "meant to be," but by the life they build together through shared experiences and choices.

Why our relationships aren’t special — and why that’s ok.

For me, there exists that one person who above all others can fulfill my deepest desires for intimacy, understand me like no one else, and bring enduring happiness into my life. A one true love, so to speak. At least that’s what many movies, stories, songs, and fairy tales would have me believe. It’s a comforting notion. One that, understandably, grants the feeling of being special. A promise of better things to come.

Which may explain why so many still choose to buy into it even though it’s so far removed from reality as to border on self-delusion. But then again, the reality is so much less poetic.

Right now, there are about 7.7 billion people on Earth. Of those, about half are in the 20–54 age range. By most estimates, the ratio of men to women is just about 1:1, which means that every person is looking at almost 2 billion potential partners (and possibly a lot more if such monosexual restrictions are disregarded)!

That’s a huge search space. It goes without saying that if I were to somehow find a way to meet each and every one of those 2 billion people, chances are I’d likely hit it off with more than a few. Heck, if I were to meet a million people, those chances are effectively the same. But I won’t meet a million people. Not even close.

The most generous estimates put the number of people the average person will meet in a lifetime, i.e. have any meaningful interaction with however small, at between 10 and 100 thousand people. And that’s from both genders.

Not only that, but I’m also most likely missing out on huge segments of the population due to geographic, cultural, and language barriers. So as if it wasn’t enough that I’m probably never going to meet the vast majority of potential partners out there, those that I do meet are mostly going to be restricted to the ones located nearby and speak the same language as me. The digital age and social media change this a bit, but not as much as one would think; most people’s friends lists, for example, are still largely composed of people they already know who fit this pattern and it’s not often that people fall in love in the YouTube comments section.

It’s a bittersweet thought once it sinks in. The idea that somewhere out there are people with whom I may unknowingly share a deeper connection than with anyone I’ve met so far in my life, current and previous partners included. Yet, for reasons beyond my control, I will never meet them. Or sadder still, met them without knowing it.

That person standing opposite me on the other side of the street waiting for the signal to turn green. Or the one standing right next to me. What if I had decided not to cross the street at all? Where would that have led me and who would I have met there? Is it someone who lives on the other side of town, the country, the world? What language do they speak and what do they look like? Do they too marvel at the uncountability of the paths that lie ahead and the finality of those taken?

Thoughts of meant to be together, made for each other, or destined for one another, therefore pale when confronted with another thought. Namely, how any of a thousand decisions made in the past, if done differently, could have influenced the course of one’s life and in turn one’s love life — conceivably for the better. I may very well be with someone else right now had it not been for those extra five minutes I spent in the shower before going to work that one time.

But does that mean I should hit the streets, sail the seven seas, and climb the highest peaks in search of that perfect match, committing to no one until she is found? Now that’s a labor that would put Hercules’ to shame.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m no demi-god and I couldn’t define “perfect” if my life depended on it. All I know is that last week I spent half an hour trying to decide what type of pickles to buy. So instead of contemplating setting sail on a partner finding voyage, I’d probably be better off making sure I’m doing right by whoever I’m with on the shore.

All of this is to say that instead of taking away from a relationship, there’s actually something profound about the bond between two people who, for whatever reasons, in a sea of possibility, came to be together at this moment in time. They may not be made for each other, but it’s what they make of their time together that counts at the end of the day. So I guess I was wrong; maybe the reality isn’t so unpoetic after all.