“You’re Everything To Me” is a Warning You’re Walking Down a Dead End Road
“You’re my everything” seems like a compliment, but this belief stifles your growth and creates a burden on others
I’ve entered my 70s now, a decade which inevitably delivers more death notices from inner and outer social circles.
I’ve noticed time and again how our final passage can deliver a grand slam to those who profess a lost beloved was their “everything” in life.
The light slowly fades from the eyes of the left behind and a desire to join the dead becomes their unearthly goal. They no longer consider life worth living.
It’s also not unusual to find long-married couples passing within a short time span of each other. Existence without the other is unbearable.
When we enter an intimate relationship our tendency to project our concept of an ideal partner can run rampant. We’re temporarily blind to small faults and quirks. Which can rapidly become large ones if we don’t continue to play the game of ‘you’re everything to me.’
We may even discover very uncomfortable truths as time passes. Blows like ‘everything’ is walking out the door and professing the same to another.
We delivered this behavioral dynamic at an early age. Parents who have not investigated their own potential expect offspring to live out their missed opportunities.
It’s their past unexplored self they want to see emerging in a younger form. And a dependent child offers a life conveniently under their control. They have little curiosity about the unique gift their child offers to the world. Their own needs consume them.
Here starts the chain of inevitable disappointments. Your kid is not living up to your ideals and becomes unworthy in your eyes.
Comparisons start and a push for the norm begins. Quite a few of my high school friends suffered from this form of parental imprisonment. They couldn’t be who they weren’t. Who they were wasn’t acknowledged.
They became disoriented and couldn’t determine their personal preferences while attempting to live up to their parent’s expectations.
Or they rebelled from the suffocation of their spirit and swung to the other end of the pendulum. I knew a lot of hippies in this group.
We leave home with this early indoctrination so intact, we immediately begin enacting and placing the same limitations on others. Role constriction continues along its mindless track.
We don’t know any different as we launch into our trial and error stage in our 20s and into our 30s. We keep a familiar and habitual, fake comfort zone running as our world becomes increasingly chaotic.
Anything can happen and it does on a regular basis. Life arises as it is. It doesn’t require our permission.
We search for approval in our jobs, our relationships and on social media as well. Hoping someone else’s lens will be the same as our own prescription.
And then a special person arrives to save the day. Next up, a lot of static on your dial as you strive to fulfill another’s wishes and read their mind.
I’ve had several people tell me I am their ‘everything’ in life. It makes me profoundly uncomfortable. It’s never a soothing statement.
I give the same response every time. “Please don’t make me your everything.”
The mythical, ideal partner is a set-up for future disaster zones. It’s also very risky to put all your eggs in one tightly woven basket.
When another becomes your world, you’re basically asking them not to change. It’s a subconscious directive.
You want them to stay the way they are in this special time when you’ve defined and selected them to carry your load of expectations. Their status will be threatened if they expose vulnerabilities or change as humans tend to do. Triggers disrupting the ongoing fantasy are not appreciated.
You become an endangered species to your own Self in this numbing and dumbing down fruitless cycle.
You may voluntarily choose to capitulate and play out the illusion of perfection for another’s eyes. This makes you a willing sacrifice, adapting your mission to satisfy another.
In the process, you delegate your own passions to a back burner, creating more co-dependency in your wake. The question constantly arises. How can I be more of what the other needs and wants?
The irony in this self-defeating pattern is that once you have confirmed, there’s a good chance your conquerer will lose interest in you and move on to fresh, unknown territory.
An affair erupts and friends stand back in shock. He/she was a wonderful partner. How could that person leave her/him? And you are left standing alone and bereft. Doubting another will love you, even if you give your all.
My significant others have expressed appreciation for my need for personal autonomy. They’ve shared their relief they are not required to be a provider of anything but their authentic company. I feel the same toward them.
When we parted ways it had nothing to do with no longer being ‘all’ in someone else’s world. A separation was due to changing directions in personal growth. Two paths are no longer in resonance.
Adherence to an inner authority greatly aids break-up recovery. It also kept my heart flame burning steadily, rather than flickering with another’s faltering breath.
We came here to discover more of who WE are
We meet helpers along the way but it’s not for us to tie them down and demand they meet our needs. Even if our requests are covered in kisses, chocolates and false utterances of “not till death do we part.” A daunting and unrealistic assurance since we can’t predict the morrow.
Partnerships are valuable and can provide a sense of safety. Someone will have our backs if we need support. They will be there to share our joys and sorrows. Maybe.
The one person you can count on to show up is yourself.
We are accompanied by unseen forces whether we are conscious of it or not. Subtle realms continually offer us opportunities to fall back on ourselves and take our own measure.
What seems like the biggest betrayal and deepest depression you could ever endure can become the bridge to a new land within yourself.
Our inner home is where we realize the tremendous amount of strength and courage we hold in our core. You won’t discover it until you mine its depth at all costs. No one else will deliver your nuggets of gold.
Expecting another to endlessly fill your cup will never satisfy your thirst.
How many of us carry our childhood friendships into adulthood? College buddies we thought would around forever disappear one by one after graduation.
Maybe we start a family and others don’t. Setting off in a new direction can mean stepping away from friends who no longer synch with your path or simply lose interest.
We rail against their behavior if it doesn’t match our plan or feels hurtful. We are no longer their everything as a best friend or reliable confidante. It can be challenging to allow others to go their own way and not require them to keep filling your dance program.
It’s even worse to have a friend stick around through a sense of obligation. They will begin to resent your hold on them and act out in various ways to bring on a justifiable ending.
This shuffling around can open the door to an internal rally for the cause of One. You will hear its call less and less if you defer to another’s concept of who you are.
We are whole within. No one is here to complete us.
Can others help us find ourselves? Yes, they can. But their assistance must be aimed toward our personal growth and not conditional. And we must offer the same to them. It’s a two-way road and a rarefied but attainable path.
Ulterior motives will be sussed out in an instant and flushed to the surface. Gleaning the wheat from the chaff will demonstrate the necessity of building our foundation firmly. So it’s able to withstand the inevitable storms of self-doubt and questionable moves we all make.
Internal navigation hums along to the tune of the “We Are the World” song. Each voice is different yet harmonizing is effortless if trust is implanted.
Shifting to sensing internal weather rather than checking outer barometers can initially induce fear. Constriction can show up as we trek into a raw and foreign land with few signposts to signify the way.
Ancient fears rattle their bones, demanding to be released in the journey of setting yourself free. Limitations may appear in the form of significant others playing roles to release you into a vaster and far richer world.
You will know you are walking the road designed especially for you when you stop asking yourself and others if you are on the right track. You will feel it in your inner Being and throughout your body.
Knowing yourself requires intention and activation. This pursuit could be labeled as selfish by some. It has the exact opposite effect.
If we all had this aim we would be experiencing a world filled with self-actualizing people living in harmony.
There would be widespread acceptance of diversity.
We would understand and accept we’re all doing the best we can.
We would know:
WE ARE OUR OWN EVERYTHING. 🌞💛