You’re Dead To Me!

I lay broken, like shattered pieces of glass, staring at fragments of a past self I no longer know.

I’m naturally genuine, but I’m realizing how much of that leads me to get overlooked. I substituted part of my ability to care for something, with the ability to make things dead to me.

So where do I go from here…

I wield malevolent tendencies. Sometimes they spew acid from a heart so loving, it’s hard to believe…. That couldn’t have been me, right? So unfortunate, how the unforgiving nature of pain has hijacked the director’s chair of my perception in many of my Life experiences. Has it really been that long that I’ve let you roam? It’s hard to tell. I’ve swallowed myself long enough to build resentment towards nobody else but me. Each time I heard your cry for freedom and ignored it, I opted for a misguided belief that being accepted by anyone else would fulfill the hole I was creating in my heart.

You are not to blame.

Feverishly, I sought to escape the surface-level pain I felt from the disregard of a mother’s love and understanding… It was this world that taught me I was alone. Consulting with myself never made me feel so. I was entrusted. A gift I instinctually accepted, my intuition led me to you. I have defended your honor for so many nights. Only I held the key to our most vulnerable crevices. Only I could let the enemy in. For she was me.

How could I not see?

I have weakened your resolve. A painful pleasure, I grew to bear the feeling of self-sacrificing. For the good of all where I am not invited.

Sabotage!

Betrayal!

Disloyalty!

I am ashamed… I lay broken, like shattered pieces of glass, staring at fragments of a past self I no longer know.

I am gasping for air.

Drowning, I reach for breath underwater… Only, I cannot swim. Fight. I must fight for you, though I am wounded and half dead. Redemption is the only path ahead. Longing to meet you in wholeness once again.

I can only hope, you don’t leave me here… bleeding half to death.

I am most grateful for those who take the time to read and support my radical act of self-expression. This isn’t always easy, but it is therapeutic for me. Thank you for walking with me on my journey to wholeness. Please feel free to read the pieces below, I hand-pick these as they help me heal. Hoping you’ll find solace as well.

Until we meet again…

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