You’re Angry. I’m Pleased. Here’s How To Mine Your Rage For Its Evolutionary Gifts.
Why raising inner hell leads to inner freedom.
Anger is a ‘bad person’ trait.
This is a learned belief for many of us. It’s what many religious and spiritual circles uphold. We’re taught that angry people are out of control and wrong. We can experience anger, both within and without, as being isolating and intimidating.
With relief, you can unlearn the above through self-investigation. You can discover that anger can be a healthy and natural response that has its own place in our personal evolution and also, when made room for, has wisdom to share.
Consider the last time you got angry. Marinate yourself in that moment. Get detailed. Who is there? What’s going on? What’s the catalyst? Notice how your body feels. Notice the amount of heat or tingling or the sense of pressure building as the inner irruption roars itself alive. Is blood rushing? Is your chest tightening?
Anger As Poison
We’ve all had visceral experiences of anger in our body. We’re familiar. Recognize how much life force, power, and direction your anger has. Oftentimes, this is why things go awry in one of two ways (with the added spice of one’s upbringing as another factor, but that’s for a separate article).
Since the vast majority of us are not taught empowering emotional skills at a young age, it’s almost a given that we’re predisposed to being possessed by our emotions, especially ones that contain as much fire as anger can. We get taken over and before we know it, we’ve said or done something that we regret. Something that we would have done very differently, if at all, if we knew how to allow our anger to rise, crest and fall while staying aware and conscious.
If we’re not the type to explode, it’s because we’re the type to suppress. We think anger is wrong and that we’re bad to have it. We think no good can come of it and that it must be swallowed in order for us to be nice and accepted in the world. We think it unsafe. We feel the bold intensity of the trapped storm when it brews in our belly. We don’t want to make waves at work or in our relationships. So we keep quiet and slowly diminish ourselves each time we say or do nothing when justified anger makes an appearance.
Neither of these experiences is empowering, healthy, or of benefit.
There is another way.
Anger As A Tool For Transformation
“Anger is loaded with information and energy.” — Audre Lorde
The wonderful thing about the force of anger is that all that rumbling energy is a powerful internal signifier that something is not working for you and it’s time to enact change.
With the right tools, you can harness the immense energy of anger and use it to propel the required transformation. You can use the force for good.
Renowned meditation teacher and psychologist, Tara Brach, speaks of the ‘U-turn’ as a powerful way to handle our emotional selves with great awareness. Her invitation is that when we feel that inner storm, rather than be overcome, we choose to turn to face it with awareness and get curious about what the unmet needs are that are sparking the squall.
We first recognize the anger: “Oh, hey, anger. I feel you there.”
Then we allow it: “Anger, please get as large and visceral as you need to. You do you and I’m going to sit here and experience you in my body.”
Then we investigate by way of questioning: “I’m curious, why are you here? What’s going on?” Ask questions and listen until your anger is all talked out.
Finally, ask, “What do you need right now?”. Then offer that by way of nurturing. The nurturing is important. Take time with this.
Once we are present with our inner world and have clarity of what lies beneath the angry fray, we gain self-knowledge and the superpower of being able to coherently respond rather than react.
Anger is often a protector of more tender feelings. Deepening our understanding of what is alive in us and asking for attention, is a powerful way to gain control over our emotional state. It unlocks the potential of being able to ask for what we truly need in a way that someone else can deeply hear. It allows us to enact the deeper change our anger is trying to catalyze, from a place of compassion, integrity, and strength.
The Gifts Of Anger
“Anger is natural, necessary and intelligent.” — Tara Brach
Anger has its place. When we not only accept but also embrace it, we transform and we bring transformation to situations with others.
Inner transformation comes by way of self-development. We can learn and practice how to be expansive enough to be the broad awareness within which our anger can appear. We get to become the wide and wise compassionate space, with ample room for becoming curious about the dance of our furies.
When we allow ourselves to be bigger than our anger, to pause in order to understand ourselves, we are choosing to live from the wisest part of us. The part that awakens our heart to the deeper meaning, realities, and wisdom of things.
We bring presence to ourselves, to our unmet needs, and find a greater capacity for engaging our inner world, first mining for the gold of understanding, before engaging with others.
The transformation that we can bring to the situations and relationships in our lives comes with the shift from reacting to responding. When we approach situations mindfully, with self-awareness, after excavating down to the heart of our needs, hurts, and traumas, we show up with wise strength and without harmful defense. We create the opportunity for ourselves to be heard and give others the opportunity to understand us and our needs.
We build a bridge, first within ourselves, between the hurting parts and the wise parts, then between us and those in our life. We offer ourselves the chance for connection and belonging all because we were brave and humble enough to notice our flames, turn towards them, and offer our young parts healthy attention.
We go gently. We go within. We invite our anger to tea and we allow the layers of our lives the airtime they’re asking for.
It is not easy. It’s not something you cognitively understand and then you’re all set. As with all positive action, it’s a brave practice of regularly facing ourselves and taking responsibility for our emotions, even when they appear cataclysmic. It’s communing with our inner discomfort as opposed to shutting it down or spilling it onto someone else.
Ultimately, it’s quite beautiful. A homecoming of sorts of all the lost and hurt parts. Uncomfortable at first but always the reward of self-connection and relief. Always the salve of greater inner peace and a welcome transition from the superficial irritants of life to a depth of connection that only ever nourishes the very human heart.