STEP ON THE GAS
We Promise Not to Poison the Pumpkin Pie
Mar-a-Stinko’s pungent party
Dateline MAR-A-STINKO, in the Land of Make Believe, November 24, 2021 — Donald “J as in Jerkoff” Trump, aka Comrade Minus, announced Wednesday that he is throwing the buffet at his elite gold-plated, turd-in-the-pool paradise open to the general public on Thanksgiving Day,
After learning most of his dues-paying so-called “friends” canceled when informed of the revised buffet menu being offered at the once private estate-turned-grifters-paradise, Rumpy, as he’s known in Palm Beach, said he’s making the annual Turkey Day buffet free to supportive MAGAites and their plus-ones, regardless of political affiliation.
Mar-a-Stinko members think a seeming lack of more than Trump the Turkey at the upcoming buffet, plus the club’s quick pivot to a free event, certainly means something “fowl” is afoot.
Rumpy, of course, welcomed the upcoming presence of his MAGA low-lifes at the gathering.
“I offer my full and total endorsement to each and every one of you who wishes to partake in this free feast and festivities with me and Malaria,” he said, referring to the former First Lady, after a fashion, whose name he constantly forgets.
“Melanie and I look forward to hosting this amazing, unbelievable, tremendous and incredible holiday for those of you who still are strong on Trump,” the misbegotten and much maligned former occupant of the Oval Office said in a statement.
“Our club’s buffet will certainly be hugely vast,” the Dehydrated Orange Peel continued. “A lot of people are saying that it will be the best ever in the history of this country,” he added, with no self-conscious bluster at all.
Rumpy avoided mentioning his club members bailing on him and his current Bride of Frankenstein.
The Euro-Trash poser, however, who became the Fascist Carnival Barker’s third wife after an allegedly successful escort career both in Europe and NYC, had a little something to say about the couple’s change of plans for celebrating on Thursday.
“I really don’t care,” she pouted. “Do you?”
The former Melania Knauss did deign to admit that Turkey Day is her favorite American holiday.
“First of all, we doesn’t have such celebration in Slovenia, my home country of origin,” she explained, “where I can honor Turkey who saved me from slavery. And also I hate Christmas.
“Who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff and decoration?” she eloquently added, after spending four Christmases decorating the White House in haute couture themes from Hell.
Her husband, also known as Trumplethinskin, admitted that his club’s formerly lavish and now free Thanksgiving buffet had been pared down quite a bit, mostly because he’s super-concerned about his weight.
“They’re all calling me Losing Donald now,” the still-bloated Tangerine Terror said. “My trousers from 2016 actually fit me now. Gotta get down to my fighting weight for 2024.”
Rumpy was referring to unconfirmed recent news reports that it perhaps looks like he’s shed some poundage, and is considering another run for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW. He’s also been accused of ditching his creepy tanning bed demeanor in favor of a little Florida Vitamin D.
“A lot of people tell me that I look great, almost like I’m halfway back from the dead,” Mango Mussolini said. “But I gotta run in 2024. I miss those Air Force One M&Ms too much.”
For those interested in joining the Rumpy Family as they kick off the holiday season at Mar-a-Stinko, keep in mind a lot of the foods that will be served at the buffet could engender bouts of gas and intestinal effluvium.
This, of course, was a problem that plagued the Orange Anus during his White House years.
“There’s a reason Twitter calls me #DiaperDon after all,” he said. “And it’s not just because I parked my prodigious posterior behind that tiny little desk.”
Rumor has it Thursday’s free Mar-a-Stinko buffet will include generous helpings of Brussels sprouts, beans, asparagus, and foods crafted with several types of whole grains and oats.
“I tried to get the chef to throw in a few Big Macs,” the Bimbonic Bozo said.
“I’m a very clean person. I like cleanliness. I think you’re better off going there than someplace you have no idea where the food is coming from. It’s a certain standard.”
Unfortunately, we were unable to confirm at press time if the Cheeto-in-Chief was referring to Mar-a-Stinko in that penultimate comment.