You’re A Millennial, Buy A Casket

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e upgrades, corpse pillows, etc.) will flood your house on the reg. The grave bell is the new freak flag — let yours fly, baby.</p><p id="0193">Yes, the cost. About that. It may shock you. Your casket will cost you more than the car you currently drive. I won’t sugarcoat it: this casket will be the most expensive thing you will ever own.</p><p id="3edb">But I have some tips. Once the payment clears, the casket is yours to do what you want with. Take it home and<i> use</i> the damn thing. Having people over for a BBQ? Fill it with ice, toss some beers in it, and you have a great-looking cooler. Put your TV on it, and it becomes an art deco media center. Halloween accessory? Check. Unsettling Christmas decoration that reminds your parents of their fragile mortality? Check.</p><p id="b3bb">“But I can get a coffin for much cheaper,” you might say. A coffin? Ew. What are you, some Eurotrash vampire? Marilyn Manson has a stack of them on his lawn next to a sign marked “Free,” and you want to buy one? For once in your life, sort that damn price list from high to low. Don’t cheap out on this. You will never, ever be able to afford a house, let alone a nice one, so you might as well splurge on your eternal resting place.</p><p id="75ca">Real talk? Get a credit card, make the minimum payments, and just, you know, maybe you won’t have to pay the whole balance off. I don’t mean to be morbid, but you really never know what can happen, and lately, you’ve been eating like shit.</p><figure id="7298"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*nJ33gnyhLKJA9DWrE-USAA.jpeg"><figcaption>A real pie chart. Probably.</figcaption></figure><p id="173e">Minimalism is something we tell ourselves that we desire because we can’t afford the life our parents had the privilege to lead. What is more minimalist than living in your own casket? If Apple could des

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ign a home, it would have the elegant clean lines and color scheme of the inside of the casket you are buying today. Face it, rent is never going to go down; it will only keep rising, and one day, you won’t have a choice. Picture it with me: after a typical 8-to 12-hour workday at your open-concept-sweatshop-chic marketing job, you will tell yourself that “Food is an experience” as you eat a gas station sandwich for dinner, arriving just after dark to the embankment under a bridge where your casket has been painstakingly camouflaged with garbage to keep intruders from shitting in it. Crack open the lid and you are home. Rent-free. Mortgage-free. “Why aren’t more people doing this?” you’ll ask yourself as the lack of oxygen puts you into a woozy slumber.</p><p id="8918">The time will come when it will be up to the millennials to shape this world how we see fit. From the economy, to politics, to commerce, there is a long road ahead of us to unfuck the world. We will wake up refreshed from a good night’s sleep in our caskets and emerge from under our bridges to face the challenges of this world. So what are you waiting for? Buy a casket, already.</p><p id="e865"><b><i>Read more Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge winners:</i></b></p><div id="f6e8" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/slackjaw-humor-writing-challenge-2021-the-winners-fa5a164c3ae"> <div> <div> <h2>Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge 2021: The Winners</h2> <div><h3>All winners from the 2021 Challenge…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*C0zXaEDMAy8OMd6amUPDiw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

What is more minimalist than living in your own casket?

Art by Kate Miller @kateandtheworld on Instagram

So, you’re buying a casket. Good for you. Buying a casket changed my life, and I’m a lot like you: 30ish, disillusioned, just got out of a stick-and-poke tattoo phase, and always searching for some sense of security in this scary world. It may not seem like it, but I can guarantee you that buying a casket is the only sound financial decision you will ever make.

I know what you’re thinking: “I’m just going to rot in it. What do I need all the bells and whistles for?” I have two words for you: content creation. Death is everywhere: TikTok, Instagram, and it trends on Twitter every day.

A real tweet. Probably.

Imagine the reel views of you posing beside your solid copper casket, the flood of comments informing you of your “dope decision,” and how “gangster” you will be once you are dead. This is your chance to become an influencer. #casketlife

Today you’re at home, probably watching The Office, thinking edibles will magically change your life. But buy that coffin, and tomorrow, you could be whisked away on an all-expenses-paid trip to be measured by the coolest undertaker DJs and attending parties at the sexiest cemeteries in Berlin. The free gifts (casket linings, Hinge upgrades, corpse pillows, etc.) will flood your house on the reg. The grave bell is the new freak flag — let yours fly, baby.

Yes, the cost. About that. It may shock you. Your casket will cost you more than the car you currently drive. I won’t sugarcoat it: this casket will be the most expensive thing you will ever own.

But I have some tips. Once the payment clears, the casket is yours to do what you want with. Take it home and use the damn thing. Having people over for a BBQ? Fill it with ice, toss some beers in it, and you have a great-looking cooler. Put your TV on it, and it becomes an art deco media center. Halloween accessory? Check. Unsettling Christmas decoration that reminds your parents of their fragile mortality? Check.

“But I can get a coffin for much cheaper,” you might say. A coffin? Ew. What are you, some Eurotrash vampire? Marilyn Manson has a stack of them on his lawn next to a sign marked “Free,” and you want to buy one? For once in your life, sort that damn price list from high to low. Don’t cheap out on this. You will never, ever be able to afford a house, let alone a nice one, so you might as well splurge on your eternal resting place.

Real talk? Get a credit card, make the minimum payments, and just, you know, maybe you won’t have to pay the whole balance off. I don’t mean to be morbid, but you really never know what can happen, and lately, you’ve been eating like shit.

A real pie chart. Probably.

Minimalism is something we tell ourselves that we desire because we can’t afford the life our parents had the privilege to lead. What is more minimalist than living in your own casket? If Apple could design a home, it would have the elegant clean lines and color scheme of the inside of the casket you are buying today. Face it, rent is never going to go down; it will only keep rising, and one day, you won’t have a choice. Picture it with me: after a typical 8-to 12-hour workday at your open-concept-sweatshop-chic marketing job, you will tell yourself that “Food is an experience” as you eat a gas station sandwich for dinner, arriving just after dark to the embankment under a bridge where your casket has been painstakingly camouflaged with garbage to keep intruders from shitting in it. Crack open the lid and you are home. Rent-free. Mortgage-free. “Why aren’t more people doing this?” you’ll ask yourself as the lack of oxygen puts you into a woozy slumber.

The time will come when it will be up to the millennials to shape this world how we see fit. From the economy, to politics, to commerce, there is a long road ahead of us to unfuck the world. We will wake up refreshed from a good night’s sleep in our caskets and emerge from under our bridges to face the challenges of this world. So what are you waiting for? Buy a casket, already.

Read more Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge winners: