Your Words Can Do More Harm Than You Realize

It doesn’t matter if gossip is true or completely fabricated. You can never reverse the damage done to the person’s reputation or the lost opportunities it resulted in. Nor can you control who the story will spread to or the future consequences it may have.

I have gone back and forth as to whether I wanted to write this article. On the one hand, I think sometimes when someone wrongs you the best thing to do is let it go. But then on the other hand, I take things like this to heart and it effects me when I can’t respond or address the situation. Yet upon greater reflection I feel the message is an important one and so I’ll take my chances.

Recently there was a situation involving a question I asked online. It was completely innocent and innocuous. Yet someone associated with the organization the question was about took offense. They misinterpreted what I said and instead of approaching me directly had a knee jerk reaction which they put online. Their response was wildly emotional and what was said was insulting and hurtful. They were the head of an endeavor I’d hoped to be a part of but was informed that given my negative public comments about the organization, I would not be given that option.

If this weren’t enough, the individual then went to the head of a group we both belonged to which was in no way associated with the organization I had allegedly slandered and complained about it. I was thrown out of the group because of “unprofessional behavior,’ and the fact that this other individual might not be comfortable having me in the group. Despite my request that the person discuss the situation with me directly, this never happened. I lost another opportunity that was important to me. Since then there have been several other business related and interpersonal ramifications.

I was so thrown by this situation, it impacted my mood to the point I largely stopped writing for a week and still don’t have much motivation to write anything substantial. Other than poetry and flash fiction I haven’t written a major piece since this occurred. What bothers me the most, is that I always try to be positive and supportive with others online and off. And while I have my flaws like everyone else, being unprofessional isn’t generally one of them. I’ve never in my life been accused of unprofessional behavior before, and certainly not at a level that suggested I shouldn’t be allowed to participate in professional activities..

A lot of times I think we say things about other people without considering how serious the effects of our words can be. They can hurt people emotionally, make them doubt themselves, hurt them professionally and impact their ability to make a living or lose part of or all of their social support network. It not only affects them at one point in time but continues into the future.

Even when we feel we are justified in talking about someone that still doesn’t make it right. Once our words have negatively affected someone’s reputation, we can’t simply reverse it. This is permanent. Usually, the person won’t be given the chance to ever tell their side of the story or even learn exactly what is being said behind their back so that they can address it.

So many problems can be averted simply be talking to someone directly.

Feathers on the Wind: An Allegory

There once lived a nice man who had a serious problem. He talked too much about others. Whenever he heard a story about someone whether he knew them or not, he just had to tell it to his friends. He loved the attention he got, and sometimes embellished his stories with details he invented or purposely interpreted things inaccurately to make them juicier. Other than that, he was really a very pleasant, goodhearted man.

One day he read something that someone had said and immediately took offense despite the fact that he’d misread it. He didn’t take the time to read it again or consider his interpretation. He rushed right out and told a colleague about the story, placing blame on the person who’d written it.

His colleague told their other business associates, who told their friends, who told the people they knew, who told it to their spouses, who told their neighbors about it. None of them read the story themselves, checked out the facts with the writer of the story or included the writer in any of the discussions that were held related to what he’d written. The townspeople came to the conclusion that he shouldn’t be allowed to do business in the town.

The writer of the story went to the rabbi of the town to say goodbye since he could no longer support his family there and was moving elsewhere. When the Rabbi asked why, he related what had happened, saying nobody wanted to do business with him and that his good name and reputation had been ruined.

The Rabbi summoned the man who’d spread the gossip, told him what had happened as the result of his gossip. The man felt truly sorry. Yet he told the Rabbi that he didn’t think it was such a big deal since the story was true.

“It doesn’t matter if it true or untrue,” the Rabbi said. ‘When you tell stories about a person it’s like murder. You kill a person’s reputation, which is something that cannot be restored.”

Now the man felt terrible, asking what he could do to make it right. The Rabbi told him to bring back a pillow from home. When the man returned the Rabbi met him outside. Handing him a knife the Rabbi told him to cut open the pillow and shake out all the feathers. The man did as he was told and the feathers flew everywhere. Some remained nearby but many were picked up by the wind or by dogs or birds and carried away.

“Now,” said the Rabbi. “Go and gather up every single feather, and put them back into the pillow case.”

“But Rabbi, a lot of them are gone,” the man said. “ I’ll never be able to find all them. Who knows where the are by now?”

“Exactly,” said the Rabbi. “That is what happens when we talk about other people. Once something leaves your mouth you don’t know where it will go nor can you ever get it back again. It travels from person to person. Even years later when someone mentions the person’s name someone else will remember the story and recount it, doing further harm. It’s as impossible to repair the damage done by your words as it is to recover the feathers.”

A Final Word

I know this situation will continue to have effects if only because of being barred from participating in two opportunities that could have significantly helped me. I hope that once I am through with this story I will be able to leave it behind and get back to other writing.

Truthfully, one of the reasons I hesitated to publish this is that I’m also aware that it could result in yet more things being said and more harm being done. But I felt that if this story makes even a single person become more careful and less cavalier about what they say about others then it will have been worth it.

Natalie Frank has her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. She specializes in Pediatrics and Behavioral Medicine.

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