Your Strong Friends are Getting the Short End of the Stick
How to support emotionally strong people
I am still best friends with all of my girls from high school. Maybe this is because I’m too introverted to make new friends. Or perhaps it's because of the specific trials and tribulations that have occurred over the last 34 years I’ve become extremely averse to opening up to new people. Maybe those are the same things.
The point is, although I’ve made new acquaintances, my true friends have stayed the same. My best friend's name is Janelle. Now, I know that being a 34-year-old woman and using the term “best friend” seems infantile. Do we really have best friends anymore? We don’t stay up late in our PJ’s talking about the boys we have crushes on and eating popcorn. Although the last time Janelle and I hung out, we did get drunk and fell asleep holding hands and spooning, so there’s that.
We are closer than I am to anyone else aside from my husband. This is likely because we’ve been through everything together. From puberty to marriages to break-ups to grieving— we are in it for the long haul. And throughout it all, Janelle has always been the strong one.
I would be remiss in saying that I am an emotionally healthy individual.
Although I’ve grown and gotten better at helping people through emotional trauma, I still avoid it like the plague. I bake cookies as mourning gifts to bestow on anyone in pain, rather than allowing myself to become a shoulder to cry on. I employ a long poking stick with a plastic hand attached to it so as not to have to get too close when giving physical comfort to someone who has been crying.
I can’t tell you the number of times that Janelle has been that shoulder to me. She has driven to my house in the middle of the night to comfort me during teenage breakups. She sat in a hospital waiting room for hours on end while I was holding up in the ICU after my c-section went sideways, and I nearly died from blood loss. Janelle has always been the rock that held me to reality when I was ready to float away.
These are not isolated incidences, but more of matters of fact. This is simply how our personalities have buffed out over the years. She is a strong one. I am the one who everyone thinks is cute and innocent. Janelle is the only person who knows the truth about me — that I am a little bit evil and an emotionally stunted human being. I’m just a really good actress.
Why is it that whenever people like Janelle, our emotional support mules, are having a tough time, do we find it so difficult to support them? Is it because we are actually a little evil? Maybe people like us don’t care enough about other’s feelings to make an effort. Perhaps we are emotionally crippled and don’t know how to help our healthier, stronger friends.
I decided to work this issue out because after taking the time to really think about my pal Janelle and all of the wonderful things she has done for me over the years, it is the least I can do to be a better friend.
How to give emotional support to your strong friends:
Don’t only be there; be present.
It’s one thing to half-assed listen to your friend cry into a bottle of wine knowing your ques to nod your head and give a vague “uh-huh” while scrolling on your phone. Being there and being present are two entirely different beasts.
Active listening skills are a quickly diminishing artform. It doesn’t matter how good you are at pretending to hear someone, that someone can always tell if you’re listening or not.
Advice is unnecessary unless asked for
There is a huge divide in the way people decide to “help” an emotionally pained person. The first school of thought is to attempt to fix every single one of their issues right now. They don’t want to hear excuses. There must be a solution, and it is their job to find that solution asap to get this uncomfortable situation in the rearview. That’s at least how I try to deal with these types of awkward situations.
I’m going to tell you right now that this is the wrong school of thought on how to help anyone. Nobody wants your advice. Nobody. All they want is a shoulder, an ear, a person to tell them that they are justified in feeling this way. Even if you don’t think they are justified in their feelings, at this moment, that's none of your business. As a support person, you are there to listen and empathize. Simple.
In the future, when clearer brains prevail, you can help your friend try to come up with solutions. You can challenge them on their thoughts. But when the iron is still hot, be a safe place for them during the storm.
Level heads always win.
My kneejerk reaction when my friends are going through something is to go in guns blazing. I want to call up their idiot boss or give their crappy landlord a piece of my mind. I want to make things right immediately so my friend can get back to their normal chipper self.
I want these things because deep down, I know that if something happens to me and I get sad, they will not be available in my time of need.
Narcissism at its finest.
I have learned from people like Janelle that we calm down quicker when confronted by calmer heads. Janelle doesn’t typically get worked up about much, especially if it doesn’t directly involve her. She has this great way of distancing herself from other people's junk while still supporting them through it. I’m telling you, she's a beaut.
By staying calm, you are subconsciously relaying the idea that this is not the end of the world. It’s sort of like when I’m having family dinner at my in-laws, and I’ve drunk too much wine, and I progressively get louder and louder, shouting my liberal left-wing ways throughout the house. In contrast, my husband's conservative family members get quieter and quieter — telling me to shut the hell up subconsciously.
It usually works.
Tell them you love them.
Sometimes, whether it be geographical restraints or a busy schedule, you can’t be there for the person who needs support. You want to tell them to let you know if they need anything, but that sentiment falls flat when you can’t physically be there with them.
So instead, tell them you love them. Shoot them random text messages throughout the day to let them know you’re thinking of them. Send them flowers or, if they hate flowers, send them a carton of those jokey gummy dicks if that’s their bag.
Despite the hardships our people are going through, reminding them that there are people who love them and support them through these times is one of the greatest gifts we can give.
Even the strongest people sometimes fall.
Instead of feeling uncomfortable and self-serving, learn how to support them through these times the way they’ve always supported you.