Relationships/Dating
Your Second Date Is More Important Than You Think- It’s The One That Really Counts
First-date you is the performer, second-date you is the gatekeeper.
Erin King is the author of the book “How To Be Wise AF: 30-Day Guided Journal For Women” and other wellness, gratitude, and wellbeing resources.
So you’ve met this person, and you like them. You made it through that dreaded first date and things went pretty well.
Now you’re ready for another.
First-date you was the performer — you were on baby!
First-date you was all about your best material. You were playing to the audience.
You were all about the big picture on that date, not the details.
But that’s not second-date you.
Second-date, you is more detail-oriented, ready to dig a little deeper. Ready to focus outward.
A little less flash, more substance. More vigilant as well.
The first date is tricky.
- It can be tense.
- It can go so badly that you never want to see the person again. (That’s actually the simplest outcome.)
- There can be little hints of problems but nothing overt?
- It might go okay or even better?
- If it goes amazingly, you might be left wondering if you imagined it.
That’s what the second dates are for.
I created a set of guidelines for myself when I was on the market.
These guidelines helped me navigate the world of online dating filled with first dates.
These were the guidelines that helped me make the most of the experiences and eventually led me to my husband.
Even though I’ve focused on first dates and attitude in a lot of my writing, I also think it is worth taking a deeper look at the second date.
Because, in many ways, the second date is even more important than the first.
That first date sweeps you up in emotion.
- You might be a bit awkward or say something stupid because you’re nervous.
- You or your date might try a bit too hard to impress each other, especially if you really like one another.
- You might do a little stress drinking.
So, the second date can be a sort of do-over.
There are lots of random things that can happen on a first date when everyone’s stressed out, so it’s the second date that tells you what you really want to know.
When I was dating, I tried to focus on what I could control.
Instead of judging what the other person was doing, I concentrated on how it made me feel.
Something I’ve noticed is that you can usually get most of the information you need about a relationship by reading your own feelings.
Ultimately, when you’re with someone, your happiness boils down to how you feel when you’re with them, not the things they do. There is a subtle but powerful difference there. The first way expects them to fit a mold to make you happy the second way lets them be themselves and allows you to decide whether or not they’re right.
On that second date, you’re not as focused on putting yourself out there so, you can be a little more objective and turn inwards for your answers.
Here are some things to be aware of on that second date that will let you know if the person is a good match.
Are you cringing?
If the person makes you cringe, that’s probably not a good sign. When someone makes you cringe, you are embarrassed.
It could be anything from bad jokes to body odor, but if that person has something that rubs you that wrong on the second date, it’s probably not going to get any better.
Cringing is a strong sign in a budding relationship.
The direct antonym for cringe is to advance, so if you’re cringing on this second date, maybe your subconscious is telling you that you don’t really want it to proceed.
Are you laughing freely?
Laughter is an excellent sign for a couple of reasons.
The first is that if you are laughing spontaneously, you’ve been able to let your guard down a bit. You’re comfortable. It’s important to feel comfortable in a relationship.
It also means that the other person makes you laugh.
Having shared humor is one of those things that can get a long-term relationship through hard times and keep things interesting.
Laughter is an indication of bonding. It’s science!
If you can laugh with someone you are in the process of bonding with, that’s a good sign. If you are laughing freely and a lot, you are on the right track as long as it’s not the cringy kind.
Does the conversation flow easily?
This is along the same lines as laughter.
When the conversation sweeps you away, you’ve entered that magical flow state with the other person. Time seems to fly by, you look at your watch, and somehow it’s two hours later.
My husband and I had a seven-hour first date. It flew by in a heartbeat.
We read a lot about flow concerning work and creativity, and it is a highly creative state of mind, but you can get into a flow when you’re on a date. That is the creative side of the experience, you and your potential mate are creating something: a possible relationship.
Getting into a flow on a date is a great sign.
Are you physically comfortable?
Why not read your own body language.
Are you leaning into or away from the other person?
You may be trying to make yourself like this person, but if you’re really not feeling it and you don’t even know why you might be trying to force it.
Your body is probably telling you something important. So don’t deny what your body is trying to say to you. If you’re not sure, it can make the final decision for you.
Are you feeling awkward?
If you feel awkward around your date, it could mean there’s a power imbalance, or it could mean you’re just so into them you’re nervous.
On the second date, though, if you can’t loosen up at all, it might be a bad sign.
Do you feel like you’re out of your league?
It’s okay to think the other person is a great score, but if you really feel like you’re not good enough for them, that might play on your self-esteem in the long run.
Being awkward can be endearing, but if you always feel this way around them, it’s going to wear thin after a while.
Are quiet alarm bells going off in your head?
This is an important one.
If you feel very uncomfortable around this person, don’t blow that feeling off.
Even if you can’t put your finger on it, or they seem perfectly fine, if you’re picking up something that makes you nervous, don’t ignore it.
Your brain might be sensing something subtle or some subconscious danger you can’t place.
Personal testimonial…
I once dated a guy that gave me those subtle creeps.
I made myself ignore it because he was good-looking, had a great job, and seemed nice.
When I got to know him better, he had some weird habits and was into some pretty creepy stuff.
By the time he revealed himself to me, we were already dating, and breaking up with him was scary.
Second dates don’t get the props they deserve.
Sandwiched between the excitement of the first date and the settled-in feeling of the third, their importance often goes unnoticed.
But the second date is the gateway that your potential mate either gets through or not.
Use your feelings to determine if that person is worthy of going to the next level by really being present during that second date.
You’ll be glad you did.
Thanks so much for reading! 😊
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Erin King is the author of the book “How To Be Wise AF: 30-Day Guided Journal For Women” and other health, wellness, and well-being resources.
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