Summary

The article discusses common pitfalls in romantic relationships and the importance of self-awareness and personal growth for a healthy partnership.

Abstract

The author reflects on their extensive personal experience with relationships, including multiple marriages, long-term partnerships, and other romantic engagements. They emphasize the significance of self-love, self-worth, and authenticity in maintaining a successful relationship. The article outlines five destructive behaviors that can undermine a relationship: insecurity, lack of self-worth, feelings of inferiority, dependency on a partner as a parental figure, and attributing personal emotions to the partner's actions. The author advocates for personal responsibility in emotions and the need for shared values and vision in a relationship. They suggest that individuals should first establish a strong connection with themselves through therapy, self-help practices, and emotional intelligence before committing to a relationship.

Opinions

The author believes that self-knowledge and self-acceptance are crucial for a healthy relationship, suggesting that one must first love oneself to truly love another.
They criticize the notion of changing oneself to please a partner, arguing that this leads to a loss of identity and ultimately relationship failure.
The article posits that low self-esteem and self-worth can trap individuals in abusive or unsatisfying relationships, as they may feel they deserve such treatment.
It is the author's opinion that expecting a partner to fulfill parental roles is detrimental to a relationship's health and longevity.
The author emphasizes that individuals should not hold their partners responsible for their own emotions, but rather take accountability for their feelings and reactions.
The article suggests that compatibility in values and life vision is essential for a relationship to thrive, and without it, the relationship is unlikely to succeed regardless of effort.
The author encourages readers to engage in self-improvement and spiritual practices to build self-esteem and emotional intelligence before entering a new relationship.

Your Relationship is a Disaster (Again)

These might be the reasons why.

Unless you are a monk living on a mountain top, or a nun, having given your life over to Jesus, chances are you are either in a romantic relationship, pining after a romantic relationship or, telling yourself you’ve crazy glued your heart together for the last time and are considering the convent life, (although late at night, with only yourself for company, you pray to Cupid to send you, “The One”).

Relationship inventory

I’ve lived through 28 relationships. I've been proposed marriage and accepted five times and out of those five times, I said “I do” twice, resulting in 21 years of matrimony and three children. I’ve had several long-term relationships. I’ve had one affair, and a handful of one-night stands. I’ve cheated and been cheated on. I’m no angel. I actually think I am normal when it comes to relationship confusion.

Why should you care about what I say?

I shared my herstory to assure you that what you are about to read next comes from the unscientific method of It’s-a-Hard-Knock-Life way of learning. (To those who are just starting on the adult pilgrimage and are unfamiliar with this method, it looks like falling on your face as many times as is necessary to learn the lesson that will prevent you from falling on your face again.)

Falling in love

I have fallen in love dozens of times. I remember it as a smack-you-in-your-mouth sort of feeling fueled by dopamine and endorphins. It’s a typhoon of emotions and physical sensations. It’s as though all the nerve endings have migrated to the surface of my skin. It’s a lightning bolt of life that is nearly impossible to ground.

This full-on sensory experience can last anywhere from a week to a few months. In time (and every time), it will wane, and when it does, it returns you to the reality of who you are and who your person is, without the filter of infatuation.

Choices

At this point, you can either pack up and get out of dodge in search of the next dopamine hit or, you can shift down into first gear and begin the slow climb through the realities of a long-term relationship.

Instead of regurgitating the five love languages, I decided to head to the dark side and introduce you to the languages that, when unchecked, will bring death to your relationship.

Relationship wrecking balls

1. Insecurity

When I am insecure in myself, I become the chameleon. I morph into whoever my partner wants me to be because it’s easier than doing the work of finding out who I am. I become a hologram of my true self.

After my last long-term relationship went up in flames, I came upon the one common denominator in all my failed relationships. Me.

At 53, I rolled up my sleeves and dove into weekly group therapy and Codependents Anonymous meetings. Through tears and shame and hours of staying with my feelings, I finally met myself. I realized that unless I first know my values and principles, unless I unapologetically show up as my true self in life, I will never know the love that is the most important. Self-love.

2. Lacking self-worth

Low self-esteem and low self-worth are interconnected. If I don’t know who I am, pretty soon, I’m going to start believing that I am not valuable. I’m going to think that I deserve to be mistreated, manipulated, and abused. I’m going to believe that this is as good as it gets.

I’ve been here. It is a dark and rank place in the psyche. It took hundreds of hours of repeating affirmations and creating new neuropathways of thought before I believed I was worthy of more. (Louise Hay has many videos on affirmations on YouTube. Here is my favorite.)

3. Inferiority

My therapist used to say, “A healthy relationship is two people showing up 100% themselves at the 50% line.” When I lacked self-esteem and self-worth, I felt inferior in the relationship. I compensated for this inferiority by doing most of the emotional heavy lifting. I was a constant work in progress. I did not allow my partner to show up messy. It was a lot easier to blame myself than to get down and dirty and work as a team on repairing what was not working.

4. Mistaking your partner for a parent

My last marriage began as a fairytale. I was the damsel in distress and my husband, the prince in shining armor. I dumped all my needs in his lap. Here, take them, I said (not literally, of course) and he did. Pretty soon, I was taken care of in a way that absolved me from having to do anything for myself.

Although this was my longest relationship — a whopping 18 years — I lost myself completely. I gave up my career to stay at home with our children. My husband took care of all our financial needs. He was 11 years older than me. In retrospect, I think I found in him the father I never had.

It took five years to regain my sense of agency after leaving my marriage. I will never again put anyone on a pedestal.

5. Making your partner responsible for your feelings

When I tell my partner, it’s your fault I am feeling happy, angry, or sad, I’ve handed my power over to him. My emotional reactions become his responsibility and I wash my hands of them.

In a healthy relationship, I am accountable for my feelings. I do not blame my partner for feeling sad, angry, disappointed, or joyful for that matter. I accept that these emotions arise in me and are not his doing. I regain control over my actions, reactions and, behaviors. I do not play the shame and blame game.

Know when to walk away

Ultimately, if you don’t share a common vision with someone, if your values are on opposite ends of the spectrum and you lack compatibility; if you can’t find a common frequency to live on, accept that you could turn yourself inside out and the relationship will not work.

Are you ready?

Before you delve into a new relationship, learn how to live in connection with yourself first. Engage in spiritual practices that build self-esteem and self-worth. Become the best communicator you can be. Learn the language of emotions. Become self-sufficient. Learn how to say, “I love myself”, and mean it.

Then and only then, can you show up completely as yourself with another human being and grow the relationship of your dreams.

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