Your Path is Your Own: a Lesson on Personal Growth
People can’t walk in your shoes
Today, walking my dog, his behavior took me time traveling. It made me think about a valuable time of my life: when I started to invest, consciously and with a purpose, on my personal growth.
Jack, my lovely rescued staffy, is a very easy dog to train. He loves treats, and he is, by nature, a compliant dog. He knows the basic commands and recognizes several words.
There are two things, though, that Jack refuses to do, no matter how much I try (which, to in truth, isn’t much as I don’t think as necessary.)
- Jack won’t sit when we are waiting for the traffic lights turn green;
- Jack will not come to me when we finish our walk in the park, so I put his leash back. As much as I call “come here”, he will stop and wait for me.
The reason for his first denial is that he hates cold and he refuses to sit his delicate butt in the cement.
The reason for the second denial is beyond my understanding. When we are at home, and I use the command “come here,” he immediately comes, even if it’s for something he doesn’t like. But outside it’s a different story.
Today, as usual, Jack walked meters ahead of me, and he got to the end of the park first then me. I called him and shout the command come here, hoping that, for a change, he’d obey. He didn’t, of course. As usual, Jack stopped and waited for me to meet him.
My dog has a point in his refusal: if I’m walking towards him and we both go to the same direction — forward — why does he have to walk back to meet me? He chooses to wait for me there. When I arrive, I put him on the leash, and we both go home.
My dog’s behavior reminded me of a relationship I had a couple of years ago. We were friends, and he was the person who taught me more about myself. Better saying: who taught me how to look into myself and actually see.
Joe, my friend, was an enlightened person, he was rooted in the path of self-knowledge, and he shared his wisdom passionately and with patience. I was drunk on his knowledge and approach to life. Joe was the personification on Mindfulness: with him, I saw what really means to live unattached and for the moment.
We had long-hours conversations, sometimes intense discussions: either because I was resistant to his perspective, or because he wouldn’t unveil things faster (on my rhythm). I wanted to know! But he always made me find myself…
Let me tell you why my dog’s behavior — not coming to meet me but, instead, wait for me — reminded my relationship with Joe:
Joe was in an in-depth self-knowledge process. He spent days doing tai-chi and meditating; he’d go to retreats, including silent retreats. Joe had embraced this lifestyle years ago. I was only starting to learn about it.
I never wanted to be like Joe or to achieve his level of enlightenment. As much I recognize the value, I don’t feel it as my need. I do want more for myself; I want a wiser Self, and to invest in Mindfulness. But not to his level; for me, he was a recluse, almost a hermit. I don’t want that.
One of the topics of our discussions was me complaining he was going to fast for me. The meanings he was trying to explain to me, and the absence of interpretation sometimes drove me crazy. Often, he would give me “homework” for the next day. Then, he’d make me self-access. He never gave me “results” or an interpretation for anything, he always made me work hard to get there by myself.
Sometimes my (monkey)mind was exhausted after our conversations. He really made me work hard. And I loved it.
Throughout the months, I kept complaining he wouldn't “meet me where I am,” I felt misunderstood. I felt he needed to put himself on my shoes so he’d understand what I was going through. Every time, he’d look deep in my eyes, offered me a semblance of a smile and said: “I’m right here.”
In our personal development, we were on entirely different levels. Different dimensions! For him, that was absolutely fine, but me - starving for knowledge, to evolve, to grow — it never felt enough.
So, I kept saying “came and meet me where I am!” And he kept replying “I’m right here.” I was expecting him to step down to my level of knowledge, to give me his hand and walk me through the process.
I know how absurd my request was, but I was feeling lonely in my path. It could never be any other way: personal growth is made by one.
Joe never met me where I was. I never met Joe where he was. It was an impossible request. It’s like asking a graduated person to unlearn how to read. I knew my asking was unachievable, but I tried anyway. It was a hard path to walk alone. Even having him “right here”, all the time.
Joe never came and met me, but he always waited for me. His purpose was to guide me through my personal growth, not to live it with me.
Every step I gave forward, I got closer to Joe — to the understanding of him, of the knowledge he had. Every step I gave ahead, I got closer to myself.
Mindfulness is not something you can achieve by reading books or through workshops. Those are means for learning. The true process of change, of growth, is made by — using a term I heard so many times — “Doing the work.”
Joe never met me on my level, and I never (nor will) meet Joe at his. Our paths crossed, and we served our purposes in each other’s lives.
Looking deep into yourself is an arduous task to do. But it has to be done. And not merely looking. You have to look, to search, defy, eliminate and change. Growth is a painful process but one needed.
I stopped asking people to meet me where I am. I stopped trying to meet people where they are: each one of us is on their own level, walking a unique path.
Truthful and beautiful relationships are made with respect for each other's boundaries, limitations, and expansions.
Be yourSelf ❤