Your Marriage is Dust. What Now?

There is a brand new world out there to explore. Nurture yourself until you are ready and then go exploring.

A divorce is a painful process. If you didn’t want the divorce, but your spouse did, it is even more painful. At least the person leaving is getting what they think they want. Possibly actually do want. I’ve heard it go both ways.

I didn’t want a divorce, but I got one. My ex-husband left our old, beat up relationship for a shiny new one. From the viewpoint of two decades later, I can see that the split was best for both of us. At the time, however, I was devastated.

What got me through? A bunch of things. I share them here in the hope that they will be of some value to anyone going through something similar.

I am only an expert on what worked for me, so mileage will vary. Take that into account.

Wishing it away doesn’t work.

Reject Denial

When I saw the signs, when I heard the words coming out of my husband’s mouth, I listened. For all he was saying “I’m not leaving,” I heard “I am unhappy and looking for a way out.” The advice varied depending on who I asked.

My older sister said, “You are going to ruin your marriage thinking this way. He’s not leaving.”

My friend (who saw us day to day and lived near us, unlike my sister) said, “I don’t know. Trust yourself. You know him best.”

Another friend said, “It doesn’t sound good. He’s a good guy, but…”

I don’t remember what my mother said. Isn’t that strange? I’ve blocked it out somehow. I assume she expressed hope but wasn’t betting on it.

The opinions split. The only opinion that was important, of course, was my own.

Still rejecting denial, I visited an attorney to hear my options. A stay-at-home mom at the time, I purchased a suit for interviews and clothing suitable for an office job. I made copies of our tax returns and other financial documents.

The clothes and paperwork were stashed in my best friend’s closet while I waited to see if I was over-reacting. I wasn’t. Eventually, he was honest about his intention to leave. A short time after that his reasons became clear: another woman was in the mix.

At that point, I was glad I had chosen to keep my eyes open and reject denial. I was prepared as much as I could be, even though my heart was breaking.

If this is happening to you, don’t choose blinders. Look the situation in the eye. If your relationship is crumbling, you can only save yourself by dealing with the facts. By looking at your marriage with clear eyes, you may even be able to save it.

If things haven’t gone completely off the rails, suggest marriage therapy. It doesn’t hurt to ask, and you may head things off before they get to where mine did.

If it has gone off the rails, it is better to deal with what is actually happening. Wishing it away doesn’t work.

Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself.

Talk to a Therapist

If possible, get a therapist who has experience with people going through divorce. Don’t be afraid to switch therapists if the first isn’t a good fit. My insurance company put me in a co-dependency group. The group’s facilitator was also assigned as my individual therapist.

The group was a bust for me. My issues, and I have them, aren’t co-dependency. My issues are more related to shutting down emotions in times of stress. I completed the month-long program but don’t feel it added much to my coping skills.

The original therapist wasn’t a great fit. She was ten years younger and a newlywed. I needed someone with kids who understood my priorities.

I asked to switch to another therapist in the practice. I had met the new therapist but had not been in therapy with her. She was about ten years older than me, had children, and it felt more comfortable to talk to her.

Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself. If you need a different therapist, ask for one.

People will amaze you.

Ask for Support

Friends and relatives can be a lifeline. If anyone isn’t helpful, stop sharing all your thoughts and feelings with them. Save it for the people in your life who feel supportive.

I process by talking. It helps clarify my own thoughts and feelings as I talk or write about them. Thankfully, I have wonderful friends and relatives.

They patiently and empathetically listened to my constant outpouring of emotions. It is 22 years later and I still occasionally thank them for the help they gave me, simply by listening.

Don’t be afraid to reach out, to be honest. People will amaze you. Remember that and be amazing for someone else when the roles are reversed.

Don’t let anyone push you to do anything you aren’t ready to do.

Disregard Bad Advice

Some of the supportive people in your life will have their own emotions. Some may feel vindictive toward your ex-spouse. Don’t allow their advice to take the low road veer you from your path.

I was advised to date immediately by friends, family, and my soon-to-be ex-husband. Before the divorce was even final.

Our divorce went through quickly, once we decided that was our end game. It took 90 days from filing to the official dissolution of our marriage. I wasn’t ready to date for over a year after that.

Don’t let anyone push you to do anything you aren’t ready to do.

Behave in a way that doesn’t make looking in the mirror difficult.

Taking the High Road

This isn’t always easy. My husband cheated and left me for another woman. I had feelings. So many feelings.

The thing is, we had children. Yelling at each other wasn’t going to help them. It wasn’t going to solve anything, either.

Being human means sometimes we can’t help but say the thing we swore we wouldn’t say. That happens. Don’t get too bogged down in regret but try to do better next time.

If there is one regret I have, it is that post-divorce we both had trouble remembering to take the high road. We both tried, I think, but things got complicated due to disagreements about our children.

I remember wishing there was a magic wand to make all the discord go away. I would have waved it. I would have waved it a lot.

Behave in a way that doesn’t make looking in the mirror difficult.

Self-care isn’t just for you.

Self-care

Self-care has a lot of aspects. Try the ones that resonate with you.

I lost weight during the last three months of our deteriorating marriage. At a certain point, I took a mental health break. This means I flew to my big sister’s house and sat on her couch with a glass of wine.

I stayed for a week and tried to plan my new future. I am not saying that solved anything, but she did take one look at me and say; “What the hell are you wearing?”

I looked down and realized I was wearing post-pregnancy jeans and an extra-large shirt.

The next day we went to the outlet mall. It turned out I was now a size 5 in Levi’s. In retrospect, I am wondering how those old size 11 jeans stayed up without a belt.

Sometimes you need your big sister to let you sit shell-shocked on her couch for a week. Sometimes you need her to take you to the outlet mall.

Once I was back home, I took nightly bubble baths after the kids were in bed. I also went to the local mall and got a better brand of make-up and facial products.

My hairstylist put highlights in my hair and gave me a cute cut for all those job interviews I was about to have. I took a lot of deep breaths.

We burnt a lot of candles around the house at night. The kids and I liked them. We had pizza parties on the living room floor on Friday nights. Then we tucked up in my bed to watch television until it was their bedtimes.

Self-care isn’t just for you. Your children have feelings about everything happening, too.

Use your pets to function, even when you’d rather hide.

Take Comfort from Pets

Do you have pets? They can be a source of comfort and companionship. At the time of the divorce, we had a cat and a dog. When my ex-husband walked out, he left the pets behind, too.

Every other weekend the kids were with their dad in his new place. At first, I only got out of bed on those days because the pets needed to be fed.

The fact that my German Shephard got me out of bed and then kept me out was priceless. Today Dusty would be called an emotional support animal. In 1997 he was just a pet. Saint Bernards have nothing on him.

My cat would cuddle and sleep with me. If I wanted to spend the whole day reading a book or watching tv and binging Doritos, she didn’t care. My dog, however, needed to go outside.

Walking the dog, hugging the dog, and cuddling with the cat helped. They helped me put one foot in front of the other when I just wanted to hide in bed. Once up to take care of pet needs, it was easier to brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed, and take the dog for a walk.

Once out the door with the dog, I was back in the land of the living. I could smile at the neighbor’s kids. I could chat with people as we walked down to the park. It wasn’t a big step, but a necessary one.

Use your pets to function, even when you’d rather hide.

Your future is wide-open. You can shape and craft it into something you want.

Plan Ahead

In my case, I needed a job outside the home. That was a huge lifestyle change. After that, I was able to do more long-range planning.

Whatever you choose for your future, try to add things that bolster your self-esteem. Self-care helps but the best face cream in the world isn’t going to tell you what you need to hear:

• You are worthy of love.
• Your future is wide-open. You can shape and craft it into something you want.
• Your ex did you a favor, in the long run. Things were wrong with your relationship. You can take what you learned from this experience and have a better one next time.

Sometimes a hobby can help. I focused on my volunteering with the Girl Scouts. I enjoyed my time with the kids, and I knew I was good at it.

Doing things you know you are good at can only help your self-esteem.

In the end, that divorce made way for a bright new life for both of us.

Accept That You Have a Future

It took a couple of years, but I fell in love with a new man. It seems obvious now that we are a better fit for each other. The day we were together longer than either of our first marriages, I did a little mental leap of joy.

We have now been together for 20 years. It feels solid but I know not to take anything for granted.

In the end, that divorce made way for a bright new life for both of us. It took a while, but now it is obvious.

Remember that divorce doesn’t define you. There is a brand new world out there to explore. Nurture yourself until you are ready and then go exploring.

If you liked this, you may like: