Your Love Language is What You Lack

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Abstract

the-five-love-languages-gets-misinterpreted/600283/">5 love languages</a>: quality time, physical touch, acts of service, giving and receiving gifts, and words of affirmation.Your love language aims to tells you what you value most from a partner and a relationship. But if your love language is meant to tell you your values, surely it has more psychological depth. If you really, truly value something so strongly it defines the way you give and receive love, your love language must be what you lacked throughout your life. Don’t we all want what we’ve never had?If your love language is words of affirmation, encouragement and support may have not been in your childhood vocabulary. It's natural for people to want to be reassured they're doing a good job, or just doing good. When we get a good grade, we want to be congratulated. When we land a new job, we want to be applauded. Us humans thrive on praise. So if you were never previously commended, it’s likely you value simple celebrations.The phrase “actions speak louder than words” is most likely cherished by individuals with a busy schedule — for those who lack free time for themselves. If acts of service is your love language, you’ve probably never had help with your daily tasks — the pressure has always been on you to get the multitude of jobs you have, done. In a relationship, you probably really appreciate your partner doing the dishes or going on a grocery run to free up some time in your evening. When your day is so “go go go”, small favours are greatly favoured.Although many claim giving is better than receiving, those whose love language is receiving gifts may have never

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felt worthy enough of small gestures or thought of in their absence. These individuals will most likely experience a wave of reassurance when their partner surprises them with a gift, even something as simple as a bouquet of flowers. It’s natural to interpret receiving a gift as an act of love, and receiving gift individuals will feel loved when they’re shown they’re thought of.If your love language is quality time, you may not have felt you’ve kept someone’s undivided attention for more than a few minutes. It's easy to get caught up in multitasking: rescheduling dates and going to bed late are a part of our bustling lives. If you and your partner are constantly engaged in other activities, you probably value the time together when you’re not.Physical touch is what keeps us as humans connected. We squeeze babies’ cheeks, let them wrap their hands around one of our fingers, and kiss their button noses. As babies, we feel loved through the touches of others, and we long for this pure form of love throughout our lives. If your love language is physical touch, you may not be receiving it as often as you should; you may be sated by verbal warmness, but miss the warmth of physicality. How well does a hug feel after a long time?Love languages are meant to tell you how you want to receive love, but in my opinion, they also tell you what you lack. We all feel imbalanced in some arena of our lives: whether it's not receiving enough praise or enough physical touch. In this way, our love language tells us how to achieve balance, by seeking a partner who can fill this void, and in turn fill theirs, to fulfill each other and ourselves.</article></body>

We all want what we don’t have

Image by Christopher Beloch from Unsplash

If you asked any young girl what their love language is, they wouldn’t hesitate to tell you which one they got. Their response would be just as quick if you had asked them their zodiac sign, or if they want avocado toast. Love languages seem to be the new way millennials are selecting partners: a sort of compatibility test that measures whether they can give you what you desire, and if you have the capacity to do the same. Although love languages aim to tell you your needs in a relationship, I believe they tell you what you’ve lacked in life all along: a deficiency of the soul, that makes you crave it from another.

The 5 Love Languages is a book by Gary Chapman, a Southern Baptist pastor who theorizes that everyone has a “love language”: a favoured way of receiving affection. If you don’t want to read the book, you can take the quiz online, in which you will be asked a series of questions about what you value more in a relationship. Whether you read the book or do the quiz, you’ll be assigned one of the 5 love languages: quality time, physical touch, acts of service, giving and receiving gifts, and words of affirmation.

Your love language aims to tells you what you value most from a partner and a relationship. But if your love language is meant to tell you your values, surely it has more psychological depth. If you really, truly value something so strongly it defines the way you give and receive love, your love language must be what you lacked throughout your life. Don’t we all want what we’ve never had?

If your love language is words of affirmation, encouragement and support may have not been in your childhood vocabulary. It's natural for people to want to be reassured they're doing a good job, or just doing good. When we get a good grade, we want to be congratulated. When we land a new job, we want to be applauded. Us humans thrive on praise. So if you were never previously commended, it’s likely you value simple celebrations.

The phrase “actions speak louder than words” is most likely cherished by individuals with a busy schedule — for those who lack free time for themselves. If acts of service is your love language, you’ve probably never had help with your daily tasks — the pressure has always been on you to get the multitude of jobs you have, done. In a relationship, you probably really appreciate your partner doing the dishes or going on a grocery run to free up some time in your evening. When your day is so “go go go”, small favours are greatly favoured.

Although many claim giving is better than receiving, those whose love language is receiving gifts may have never felt worthy enough of small gestures or thought of in their absence. These individuals will most likely experience a wave of reassurance when their partner surprises them with a gift, even something as simple as a bouquet of flowers. It’s natural to interpret receiving a gift as an act of love, and receiving gift individuals will feel loved when they’re shown they’re thought of.

If your love language is quality time, you may not have felt you’ve kept someone’s undivided attention for more than a few minutes. It's easy to get caught up in multitasking: rescheduling dates and going to bed late are a part of our bustling lives. If you and your partner are constantly engaged in other activities, you probably value the time together when you’re not.

Physical touch is what keeps us as humans connected. We squeeze babies’ cheeks, let them wrap their hands around one of our fingers, and kiss their button noses. As babies, we feel loved through the touches of others, and we long for this pure form of love throughout our lives. If your love language is physical touch, you may not be receiving it as often as you should; you may be sated by verbal warmness, but miss the warmth of physicality. How well does a hug feel after a long time?

Love languages are meant to tell you how you want to receive love, but in my opinion, they also tell you what you lack. We all feel imbalanced in some arena of our lives: whether it's not receiving enough praise or enough physical touch. In this way, our love language tells us how to achieve balance, by seeking a partner who can fill this void, and in turn fill theirs, to fulfill each other and ourselves.