Your Husband Secretly Signed A Lease On Another Apartment

And other reasons you believe your marriage will last forever

1. As you walk into your separate bedrooms, which has been your sleeping arrangement for the last three months, you tell your husband you think it’s time to see a marriage counselor. After he apologizes for calling you Fiona which also happens to be the name of his younger, hotter co-worker, he tells you he will go but doesn’t quite understand why you think it’s necessary. You momentarily feel a sense of hope, then watch while he looks down at his phone and smiles for the first time since he walked into the door, and without another word, turns on his heel, walks into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

2. He takes his own car to the session. He wanted to drive with you but was ready to go and didn’t feel it was fair to have to sit there and waste his time while you tried to open the passenger side door which he continually refused to unlock.

3. You walk into the session late apologizing. You two share one car and since your husband was in such a hurry to get the appointment on time he probably just forgot he was married and left without you.

3. In the session, he is seated on the opposite end of the couch from you. He claims that sitting two feet away and staring straight ahead shaking his head in disgust every time you say anything makes it easier for him to focus on all the “happy” times you two had together.

4. To show you’re willing to compromise, you swear to never speak again.

5. Halfway through the session, the alarm on his Apple Watch goes off. He gets up to leave and while refusing to look at you, tells the therapist he feels horrible for having to head out early telling her it’s just that he HAS to head over to Soul Cycle now because after all, that bike isn’t going to ride itself.

6. When you pick a day for when you will both come back for the next session, he tells you it won’t work because it’s Fiona’s due date. “Ok”, you reply, “What day is better for you?”

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