Objection Your Honor!
How I passed the class but lost the court case.
I was 45 when I was finally ready to go to college. I couldn’t wait to graduate from high school and decided I never wanted to see the inside of a classroom again ever in life! I enrolled to get a degree in accounting. No people involvement. Just numbers on a page or screen. And making those numbers make sense. Control. Order. Yep, that was the ticket for me.
Just as the first semester was beginning a friend of mine that worked at the Pentagon dropped some info. He said if I took two business classes he could score me an interview for a position at the Pentagon. Uh yeah! I’m on it. It would get my foot in the door. After that, it would be up to me. No problemo.
Made the switch, and classes began. About the third week in, one of my professors wanted to see me at the main campus in his office. I was taking his Business Law 101 class at one of the satellite locations closer to home. “It’s three weeks. Three weeks! How can I possibly be in trouble already!?” is all that I could think and now you see why I was eager to graduate the first time.
I showed up. He rolled in. Late. Well, he was a practicing attorney at the time. He pulled up my records and did the ‘oh yeah now I remember why I called you in’ throat noise. He looked at me from behind his desk and said, “Why are you not already an attorney?” ‘Scuse me? was all I could think. I guess my bugged-out eyes were an indication that I had lost my voice. “Why are you not already an attorney?” he repeated. He went on to say that I write well and can argue objectively as well as effectively. Now I’m starting to find my voice again.
I had thought about it years ago. That and being a cop. I just knew I wanted to catch bad guys and put them away. For life if possible. Too many bad people had gotten away with too many bad things and frankly, it ticked me off. He sent me on my way with an armload of literature and course information. I found some out in the hall as well and snagged the ones that I found I was most interested in. I was convinced I was too old to become a lawyer at that point but maybe, just maybe, there might be something new. Something that didn’t exist in the Stone Age when I graduated from high school where females had few options. Nurse, teacher, nun, secretary, and housewife. That’s it. You’re looking at it.
Computer Forensics. I liked the sound of it. There are approximately 10 different disciplines of forensics computers obviously being the most recent. And I was good with computers and still had a desire to catch the bad guys so I say let’s go for it. And go for it I did.
Now here’s where things get interesting. Final exam time. I don’t recall which law class it was but we were to have a mock trial jury and all. No, I’m not kidding but oh how I wish I were. All of the parts were placed on slips of paper in a fishbowl. We each drew one slip. I was to be on the prosecution team. YAY! Once we broke off into teams we were to decide among ourselves who would be the lead prosecuting attorney. I looked around and figured we were pretty well screwed. I had heard the answers that these people had given and helped check their homework. So I knew what they were and weren’t capable of. Yep. This dude was gonna walk for sure.
I didn’t want to be the captain of the next Titanic, so I let the rest of the group talk amongst themselves. Once it became clear that the class Ego was going to take the lead position I began to think of how to throw myself at the mercy of the court aka the professor. The final exam was just that. Whatever grade the team got everyone on that team got that grade. The Lead screws up and we lose the case, well, you see where I’m going with this. I tried to wiggle my way into Lead, but Ms. Ego wasn’t haven’t it. She thought of this as her off, off, off, off, way off, Broadway shot to fame and by God, she was going to take it! Pretty as a flower and dumb as a rock. Too bad she only ever acknowledges one part of that assessment of her.
Yep, we couldn’t have been more screwed than Friday night hookers giving away free samples at this point.
Well, there was only one way I possibly had a shot to save us all from Ms. Thang. Study and prepare like I was going to be the Lead anyway. She fell short I could always slip her a piece of paper with a note on it like they do in the movies. Well, that and cross my fingers as well as hold my breath.
The trial lasted three days. On the third and final day, we’re scheduled to have closing arguments. Apparently, Ms. Thang got a bee in her bonnet because I did not hide the fact that I thought she was going to bring us all down. And by day three she and everyone else knew that my assessment of her and not been wrong. The break before closing arguments here she comes, “Uh I need to ask you to do me a favor”. “Um okay,” I say hesitantly. “I need you to do the closing argument.” I held my breath and once I realized I was doing that I willed myself to breathe again.
“Okay, give me the speech you wrote, and I’ll quickly review it before the break is over.”
“Yeah, uh, I didn’t write one. I didn’t have time. You know. With all the prep work and research that I had to do.”
Enter Steely Terry
“So, let me get this straight. I’ve got less than 10 minutes to make a closing argument, hope it flies and that we all don’t have to repeat this course??”
She shrugged, “Yeah sorry” and walked away.
She wasn’t sorry yet, but she would be when I got done with her. I paced the hallway until they called us back in. I had NO clue as to what the freak I was going to say. Then we’re called for closing arguments. I rise. I walk over to the jury box. And I begin.
I have no clue what I said. Apparently, I said it and said it well. Maybe I was channeling some long-dead orator or lawyer. All I know is –
I got a standing ovation from the jury.
Who gets a standing ovation from a jury???
We all did our parts and in the end, the accused was released. We had lost the case. To say I was ticked off would have been the understatement of the century. I WAS HOT. As I gathered my belongings and headed out the door some of the jury members (people who had already taken and passed the class previously) wanted to talk to me. They thought my closing was the greatest thing they had ever heard. They’re college students but bless their little hearts.
You had to scrape them up off the floor once I told them how and what went down.
“No way! THAT was off the cuff?”
“As off the cuff as it can get”.
Now I’m halfway through the college finding my way to God knows where when I came upon opposing counsel. He hadn’t been the Lead either but he was on the Defense team. We chatted for a while and he congratulated me on my closing. Then I laid down the story for him. He was incredulous.
“See. See! This is why I told them (the defense team) last night in the meeting!” he says as he’s bouncing around.
I cocked my head at him like a German Shepard.
“No, see we all met last night for last-minute prep and we all discussed and decided. If YOU had been Lead counsel we were going to approach (the bench) and ask the judge for a plea deal. But once we saw who the Lead was, we were like ‘nah man we’re all in’!”
Who needs a stinking old “A” anyway? I certainly don’t.
Not with the jury tossing roses at my feet and having the defense scared into Depends!
